Sci-Fi/Horror 5x5...
5 gems and 5 steaming piles of donkey poop.

GEMS
These films range from "Wow, that wasn't bad at all" to "Damn, that was actually good, and I am not ashamed to say I saw it."

1. Moon 44

This is an early Dean Devlin/Roland Emmerich combo (only Dean Devlin is in it, rather than producing it). The movie answers the question, "What exactly did happen to Michael Paré?" Paré plays a cop in the future that is sent to identify and neutralize the traitor aboard the moon station before the enemy attacks. Look for X-Files regular Brian Thompson, and Malcolm McDowell. Don't be fooled by the somewhat cheesy look of the attack in the beginning... the effects get better, and the story more involved.

2. The Kindred

In theatres for nearly five minutes, this horror flick from the 80's is definitely overlooked. Some good special effects, and a nice craeture make it worthwhile. Amanda Pays (Max Headroom) makes a nice appearance as a pouty-lipped scientist. Rod Steiger can't resist going over the top at the end, and the body count is surprising low, but still a good rental.

3. Hardware

Dylan McDermott stars in this very atmospheric "Relentless Machine" flick from 1990. The whole movie has a cool look to it, and some great set-pieces. Stacey Travis is in it, and is hot, and gets naked.

4. The Supernaturals

Nevermind that Nichelle Nichols and LeVar Burton are in this movie- it is surprisingly not bad. Okay, maybe Nichelle's performance is bad... but it isn't TOO bad. This was rented on a dare, and turned out to be pretty well made. Oh yeah, what's it about? Army recruits out on maneuvers in a secluded forest are attacked by the ghosts of Civil War soldiers seeking revenge.

5. Pumpkinhead

Lance Henrikson (Aliens, "Millenium") stars in the first movie ever directed by special effects god, Stan Winston. The production values are top notch, and the story and acting are excellent. Pumpkinhead himself kicks some serious ass (there is even a nice Todd McFarlane action figure of him).

THE CRAP
These movies are only for fanboys that are gluttons for punishment.

1. Frankenstein Unbound

John Hurt plays a scientist in the future who gets teleported in his talking car to the past. There he meets Dr. Frankenstein (Raul Julia), who has just created the "monster". Bridget Fonda is Mary Shelley, in the middle of writing a book about Frankenstein (duh), and Hurt gives her a few pointers. Hurt ends up leading the poorly-sewn corpse into a post-holocost version of his futuristic laboratory. With the help of special lasers (apparently hooked up to the "Clapper") Hurt is finally able to kill the monster. I am not making this up.

2. Carnosaur

Roger Corman directed this rip-off of Jurassic Park with the money he netted from Frankenstein Unbound. Diane Ladd is a genetic scientist gone bad who decides to wipe out humankind by creating a virus that impregnates women with dinosaur eggs. A Velocimuppet is born and terrorizes the bad actors who live in the nearby town. This movie is painful to watch.

3. Fortress

The population in the future is so outta control that no one in America is allowed to have babies under punishment of life imprisonment in the Fortress (I'd hate to see the sentencing in China). Christopher Lambert and his wife try to escape across the border because she is pregnant, but they are caught and incarcerated. Upon arriving to the Fortress (an underground maximum security prison for the whole family) the prisoners are forced to swallow "intestinators"- metal golf balls that explode when you pass certain perimeters. Then it degenerates into a lame prison movie, with the Warden in lust with Lambert's wife (he apparently has a pregnant fetish).

4. Necronomicon

Fans of H.P. Lovecraft try their darnedest to enjoy this movie, but the filmmakers do an excellent job of making that impossible. It is the 1920's and H.P. Lovecraft is seeking the dreaded "Necromicon", a book of unspeakable evil. Lovecraft is played by Jeffrey Combs, no stranger to Lovecraftian rip-offs. When he finds the book, he begins to read three stories. Strangely, the ancient book is filled with contemporary tales, based (HA!) on other Lovecraft works. The segments are mindnumbing at best. My favorite part was Cthulhu living under a hotel.

5. Pumkinhead 2: Bloodwings

Worse than you thought Pumpkinhead would be... When a movie's highlight is that it features the Roger Clinton (the former President's brother), you know there is gonna be trouble. This movie has nothing in common with the 1987 Pumpkinhead, other than they used a rubber monster suit that vaguely resembles the one from the original. Apparently the origin of Pumpkinhead (established in the first film) was inaccurate. It seems he was really some inbred hillbilly kid wrongfully killed by drunk high school kids during the 50's. Now he wants revenge (now?).

Jack Reda

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