| E3
Madness 2004! The Jason Schachat Floor Report Part 3:
Who Needs Sleep?
Jason
continues his desperate dispatches. Very soon, he'll be sucking
on pineal glands just to stay awake.
Tears were forming in my eyes as I watched the World of
Warcraft cinematic playing on Blizzard’s big screen.
I can’t really say for sure if I was alone in that.
Everyone else had handicams covering their faces, so it
was hard to tell. Two
hours must have passed before the realization came to me
that I’d been watching a 90 second clip repeating
endlessly. I wiped the drool off my chin and kicked my feet
awake, the knowledge that this was yet another siren’s
call having galvanized my resolve to move on.
But
I couldn’t move.
The
aisle had quickly become a crowded veal pen during my coma.
To my front, nothing but hypnotized gamers and a menacing
gun-toting dwarf on a raised pedestal. To my rear, an endless
line of suspicious looking human cattle milling around.
But
I was intrigued by the fact that they were clearly in an
organized line.
An interesting
fact about lines: they have ends (to all mathematicians
everywhere: shut the hell up), and you can learn almost
as much from the bad end as you can from the good end (aka
the beginning). Namely, how long the damn thing went on.
I crawled under the forest of sub-humanity and eventually
came to a clearing from which I could spy the general shape
of things. It was indeed a big line. The biggest I’d
seen yet, and that was saying something.
The
snaking beast had essentially choked the life out of most
of the booths in the area. The Activision area had been
cut off from the outside world. People might spend the rest
of their lives in there. Nifty.
Greater
concern was to be had for the retro fifties styled Destroy
All Humans booth, which, despite the anti-earthling theme,
made a very promising debut. I mean, really, who doesn’t
wish they were a cold, calculating little alien invader
(with a really big head) out to subjugate or destroy Earth
with their spooky mind beams and giant glowing ray gun?
Hmm?
Oh,
and they also had Mr. Sprinkles’ favorite booth bunnies,
but that’s beside the point-- they were getting edged
out! So little space was left by the three man wide line
(which often maintained it’s thickness even when three
men weren’t to be had) that they started doing their
interviews on the stairwell leading to the roof of their
booth. Simply diabolical.
Still
they did have great booth bunnies.
Finding
the line blocked whatever blasted event it was for from
sight, I once more politely shoved myself through, feigning
interest in the Doom 3 booth while my sights were really
set on cutting through the center of the Activision exhibit.
Frightened
bunnies huddled together, praying they might once more see
their families and the outside world. Most of the gamers
engulfed by the phenomenon were content to just sit there
and play the demos (even the rapper karaoke game). The Dr.
Octopus tentacle set piece from Spider-man 2 looked like
it might have twitched in annoyance. Couldn’t tell.
Maybe it was just the light.
But
on one side of the X-men Legends booth, the line was conspicuously
absent. Well, there was nothing so conspicuous about it;
just looked like a good place to run for. So I sprinted
out, sure I’d see something going on that warranted
all this attention.
X-men
Legends was playing on the other side of the booth.
I looked
at the line again. I looked at the booth. I looked at the
line once more, to see if I’d missed something…
a few of the gamers had comics in hand… Then I looked
at the booth again and, sure enough, that was where the
line ended.
The
game… well, it looked okay.
Don’t
get me wrong, I like my superheroes and it looked like much
more than a big franchise version of Freedom Force, but
this line made Halflife 2’s look reasonable. And,
waitaminute… there was no crowd around the consoles.
What the hell was going on? Why was everyone signing up
with the old guy running the booth if…
Oh,
wait. The guys in line weren’t doing the signing.
The old man was. It was Stan Lee.
Kinda
anti-climactic, actually.
A line
THAT size? I want Jack Kirby freshly risen from the dead,
man.
A voice
came unbidden to me (cause I was hoping for Kirby’s)
as I again dug my way through the line, rolled up Pokemon
strategy guide in hand to whack any sleeping cattle blocking
my way (I knew there’d be a use for it.). Mr. Sprinkles
called to me once more and strolled down the aisle with
his largest camera held at arms length in front of him.
“Hey,
where you going?”
Tough
question. The day was wearing on and I think the arches
of my feet had collapsed at some point during an Nvidia
demo.
“Let’s
go check out the Sega exhibit,” he said. “The
Astro Boy video’s really cool.”
Astro
Boy, eh? What’s with the camera? Why the sudden interest
in Astro Boy? Sprinkles hated Astro Boy. Was this some kind
of trick? Why was he filming me?
“You
should check it out, man.”
Yeah… Yeah, I’ll go to the Sega exhibit and
stare at Astro Boy… then you’ll sneak up and
brain me with that camera when I’m not looking! You
think I’m mad?! Uhn-uh! Nobody gets the drop on Fred
C. Dobbs! Nobody!!!
Oh,
crap. I think I mouthed that last part. Sprinkles knew I
knew. I just knew it. I had to say something quick.
“Okay,
let’s check it out. Lead the way… buddy.”
The
lowly snake. He was gonna sell me down the river for a nickel.
I could see it in his beady little eye. Nobody’s gonna
tell me I’m paranoid. You’re better off paranoid
than dead, aren’t ya? Aren’t y—
Oh.
Or maybe he did just want to show me the video.
Look
at that. Little Japanese kid flying around… It was
pretty cool, actually. I mean, who doesn’t wish they
were a naked little Japanese robot boy with rockets for
feet and gun-hands that shoot tiny lasers at giant metal
octopi? Hmm?
‘Nuff
said.
Part
4...
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