Grind
Many critics
called 2001's snowboarding picture Out
Cold sophomoric. If that's the case, then the latest
skateboarding picture, Grind, is barely junior high
material. With a young cast of unknowns and an unending parade
of cameos from Hollywood Squares' "thanks, but no thanks"
bin, nothing much goes right for the main characters, or the
audience watching them.
The picture
starts where all of these must, the beginning of summer. Dustin
(Adam Brody) and Eric (Mike Vogel) dream of becoming sponsored
skaters, but can't get their "sponsor me" tape in front of
a pro.
This calls
for a ludicrous plan. With a couple of shirts from the Shirtique,
a possibly brain-damaged buddy named Matt (Vince Vieluf) and
a Casanova with a van named Sweet Lou (Joey Kern), they will
hit the pro tour as a fake team. A loose collection of wacky
hijinks ensue-some of which even seem to take place within
the plot, such as it is.
The cast
itself is talented enough for this type of material, but far
too talented for this picture. Vogel and Brody goldbrick,
sharing the duties of carrying a plot that doesn't need more
than one hand. Kern shows a lot of promise playing McConaughey
in Dazed and Confused, but wastes his time doing a
first-rate impression of a second hand character. With nothing
much left to do, Vieluf mugs harder than Jamie Kennedy when
he needs to make a boat payment.
Grind's
first problem is the script. It fails on every level. The
jokes usually aren't funny and when they start to move near
the funny end of the spectrum, it means the bit has been done
before in everything from good teen pictures to Mentos ads.
Eric has a hot stepmom straight out of Bill
and Ted's Excellent Adventure -except Ed Solomon knew
how to do something with that material. In Grind Eric's
dad has married a young hot chick. That's it. That's the joke.
While
hiding on the tour bus of top pro Jimmy Wilson (Out Cold's
Jason London), Matt dominates the john and then he and Dustin
have to hide in the ruined facilities. It smells bad. That's
the joke. There aren't even amusing poo metaphors. There is
nothing worse than gross-out gags without the sack to gross-out.
 Story-wise
the script is awful too. The whole "Stay true to your dreams,
rip it up, and good things will come to you" clichés are mouthed
a few times, but when all is said and done, it's a cynical
"it's not what you do it's who you know" picture that can't
even accept it's own nature.
It shouldn't
be surprising that screenwriter Ralph Sall accidentally writes
this moral into his story. Sall has worked as a music producer
for years on such classic dreck as The New Guy, Scooby-Doo,
Clockstoppers, and Cats & Dogs. One can only assume
from the script's ineptitude that Sall got the job on the
strength of his contacts. At least Sall's background means
the that when Sweet Lou drops in a CD to blast "Nothin' But
a Good Time" the disc is recognizably Poison's classic Open
Up and Say...Ahh! disc.
Of course,
Grind's awful direction doesn't really make things
any better. Director Casey La Scala has only produced before
this, and except for Donnie Darko he's shown about
as much taste in what he backs as a British Cooking expo.
The producer of What a Girl Wants and A Walk to
Remember is probably not the best choice to direct an
overly-talky attempt at a teen sex comedy.
When it
shows up, the skateboarding is fairly well sho, but those
sequences are so few and far between that the rats who are
there for the wheelin' would be better served picking up one
of the many videos available at their local skateshop. If
you seen the hell out of all them, go into the back catalogs
and pick up some of the Bones Brigade classics like Future
Primitive and The Search for Animal Chin, which is given a
fleeting reference right before an excruciating Tom Green
cameo.
Except
for listing all the unnecessary cameos (few of which are from
the skate world) there's not much left to say. Grind
isn't funny, the cast can't be faulted, but the filmmakers
better be. If you need a G movie on a movie scavenger hunt
this weekend, you would seriously do better with the dread
Gigli; you'll at least enjoy
making fun of that.
Rating: 
|
