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First
Up, Wrestling Letters...
Dear Michael,
I suppose we could discuss something that truly matters, but hell,
wrestling is a great "sport" to get your mind off all the other terrible
stuff that's going on in the world. I stumbled onto your site a while
back and have enjoyed your casual, laid back style of writing. Too bad
the subject isn't really worth the effort you put into it.
I grew up in Miami in the 60s and 70s. My grandfather, god bless his
soul, used to love taking my brother and I to the Miami Beach Convention
Center so he could take out his frustrations on the "bad guys" -- he
particularly despised "Boris Malenko" (Larry Simon) who really knew how
to work up a crowd back then. Ah, those were the days before reality
crept into my life and I actually believed I was watching two men fight
it out to see who was the better of the two. Later, during high school,
my dear friend Pete Bartels and I used to head over to the Beach to
catch the matches. I feel very fortunate that I saw talent like Eddie
Graham, Freddie Blassie, Johnny Valentine, Red Bastien (the most
underrated guy I ever saw), Buddy Rogers and Dusty Rhodes (before he
became a parody of himself). Sure we had to suffer through those awful
"show openers", but the mid and upper card performers were sensational.
Thanks to Godon Solie and the early TV shows (Championship Wrestling
From Florida), I gained an appreciation for these guys as performers
and loved to watch the "plots" evolve.
Somewhere around 1970 or so, Pete and I joined another broadcaster and
actually put the Miami Beach matches on the radio. We had a blast. I met
so many wonderful performers who were not only great in the ring as
showmen, but actually nice people, as well. I distinctly remember
shaking hands with Tarzan Tyler at the height of his career and having
him ask if it was alright if he called me Jim. Dory Funk, Jr. was the
kindest, most professional performer I had the opportunity to meet and
spend some time with. Also high on the list was Rick Hunter, who
wrestled as "The Gladiator" back then. His matches with Funk were
amazing examples of wrestling entertainment. I saw them wrestle to a one
hour draw! Can you even imagine a current performer who could maintain
the frantic pace for a full hour? Unfortunately, Rick ran afoul of Eddie
Graham (who was running things back then -- I never did get the details)
and was forced to leave and I never saw or heard of him again.
Still, the thing that was so cool was that there were constantly new
wrestlers coming into the area. Some stayed for months or years, while
others simply came in for a few shows and were never seen again. The
best and most consistent performers included Bob Orton (Sr.), Malenko
(he seemed to always be on the card), Cyclone Negro, Joe Scarpa, Mark
Lewin, the Tolos Brothers, Hiro Matsuda, Buddy Colt, Cowboy Bob Ellis
and many others. But what kept things fresh were the new faces. Unlike
today, where we have to suffer through week after week of performers
like Big Show, Jeff Hardy (he always looks like someone pulled him out
of a dumpster before the match), Booker T., Goldust, ad nauseum. Hey
Vince, there are only so many times you can pair up the same two guys
and keep it fresh.
The death of wrestling as an art -- or so I believe -- was when they
brought in Hulk Hogan. From then on, everything was a downward spiral.
The only thing that has kept me watching at all is the talent that Vince
bought himself out of the ECW, and the guy still doesn't know how to
make use of their abilities. The straw that broke the camel's back was
splitting the show up into Raw and Smackdown, along with the loss of
both the Rock and Steve Austin. Ugh! The writers need to go and look at
tapes from the 70s and 80s of Championship Wrestling from Florida to see
how to keep things from getting stagnant. The last few months of WWE has
literally been coated with pond scum. The only break was the minor
diversion of Shawn Michaels and his "betrayal" by HHH. But they can only
milk that one so far. Shawn's cage match a few years back with the
Undertaker was as close as I have ever seen Vince get to the amazing
performances I grew up watching.
Well, I have gone on long enough. Suffice it to say that your column is
more entertaining than the shows it reviews. Too bad Vince and his
plethora of hack writers don't pay attention to what you have to say.
Best regards,
Jim
Goodson responds:
Dear Jim, First off, thank you for the best written and
most intelligent letter I've ever received in my years of
writing Chairshots. While I know I have literally dozens of
loyal fans, many of them never take the time to share their
opinion the subject, let alone write me a column back.
Vince McMahon would be the first person to tell you that
the spectacle known as pro-wrestling died the night Hulk-a-Mania
was born. From its ashes rose "sports entertainment." Most
fans blame Vince or Hulk for the death, but in all honesty
it was the fans. The masses wanted to take wrestling to the
next level with larger than life icons and over the top plot
lines. Vince and Hulk were just the right men in the right
place and knew how to capitalize on that. A similar thing
happened again in the 90s when a hipper, "MTV Generation"
demanded an edgier, more violent and provocative entertainment
and the WWF shifted into the "Attitude" era.
Now, to be honest, I know very little about the pre-Hogan
years of wrestling. I was only a kid then and the cartoon
like nature of the WWF held my attention. When older fans
or wrestling history buffs start talking about Boris Malenko
and Red Bastien, I'm suddenly reminded that I have a dentist
appointment and must leave immediately. It is a time that
is long gone and it's impossible to recapture the experience
and excitement through old footage.
However, I do still think there is art in wrestling.
Guys like Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle amaze me week after
week with their style and innovation. I have no idea how a
human being can accomplish the things Rey Mysterio does.(He's
alien! That explains the eyes!) Even guys like Jeff Hardy
and Rob Van Dam have moments of such fantastic athleticism
that art is the only word to describe it.
Yes, the current staff of writers fumble more than they
score and I'm just as tired of seeing the same guys fighting
the same guys week after week as you are. Yes, I've suffered
more than my share of humiliation when people find out that
I'm a fan of wrestling. And simply because of the nature the
WWE organization, my opinions one the one subject I know more
than anything about will never be recognize by anyone other
than you loyal readers.
There are days when I ask myself why I still watch wrestling
and why I devote hours every week writing columns about it.
There are weeks when it seems like I'm putting more effort
into my bi-weekly column than the WWE is putting into their
entire week of programming.
I'd like to tell you that I have some profound answer
as to why I still do what I do but I don't. The best I can
come up with is that I have memories like you do. Memories
of seeing Steve Austin riding to the ring in a Zambonie. Memories
of seeing Hulk Hogan stand next to Andre the Giant at WrestleMania
III and thinking I was seeing the greatest moment in the history
of the universe. I saw Shawn Michaels in agonizing pain finish
a match with Steve Austin rather than quit because he knew
the show must go on. I saw Mick Foley put a sock on his hand
and do a puppet show for a bed ridden Vince McMahon and cried
laughing. So I guess the answer is that when it was good,
it was REALLY good and I loved it more than anything. Maybe
like you, I keep watching because I'm waiting for an era that
may or may not be coming to return.
Oh a less philosophical note, you and part time Fanboy
Planet writer Chris Garcia would really hit it off. I can
give you his number if you like and I bet if you whispered
"Tarzan Tyler" in his year, you'd totally get lucky.
Hey,
How Did This Get Here?
Dear Michael,
I just
read some of your articles on Fanboy and I think you are a
funny, funny man. Keep it up.
-- George
Pitcher
Goodson
hasn't stopped blushing long enough to craft a response.
A WWE
Boycott...
My name
is Troy Hawkins. Below is a copy of a letter I chose to send
to the World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) coperation. I am
asking for help in boycotting all services that the corporation
offers. Including: Television programming, merchandise, and
live events. Please assist me in my endeavor.
I will
leave my contact information below should you choose to contact
me. If you would like more information please feel free to
use my e-mail address: tman79@ma.rr.com
-- Troy
Hawkins
Here's
Troy's letter to the WWE:
To whom
it may concern,
I have been a wrestling fan since the age of two, I am now
the age of twenty-three. Your corporation has brought me many
untold joys. However I have decided to stop watching all your
programs due to the offensive piece of trash I saw on WWE
smackdown tonight. The mock marriage between Billy and Chuck
was very offensive. In my opinion you demeaned the love between
homosexuals, which can be just as valid and just as real as
any love between heterosexual couples. It is because of this
I must cease and desist in watching all programs having to
do with the WWE - which I so dearly loved.
A deeply
saddened ex-fan,
Michael Troy Hawkins
To
which Goodson responded:
Sorry
it's taken so long to get back to you but I was out of the
country. I agree that the mock wedding was in poor taste on
the part of the WWE but for obvious reasons I can't boycott
the television shows. I haven't paid for merchandise or live
show tickets in years so I'm solidly behind you there. Obviously,
we've printed your letter on the site to rally any additional
support you can get.
This
Guy's Not So Happy With Us...
As I was
thumbing through your site, I happened upon an interesting
bit of news that I'm quite well aware of, and that is the
fact that the Rock was cast to play the role of King Kamehameha
in the upcoming movie.
Youre
point of 'was it worth the the studio to lose that amount
of money for Hawaiian viewers to cut the Rock?' is highly
unthoughtful and entirely assanine. Take a moment to concider
exactly what the beef was about. King Kamehameha was the first
King of Hawai'i. A highly revered king. The Rock is of Samoan
and African decent, not Hawaiian. The Samoans were enemies
at this point in history. It would be a huge atrocity for
the Rock to play the role. This would be like having Puerto
Ricans and Mexicans playing Native
Americans in movies. I'm pretty sure that the entire U.S.
populace would throw a fit if George Washington was played
by a different race in a movie solely on him. To Hawaiians
this is no different.
-- Sam
Keola
I believe
that that project has been scuttled, so maybe the point is
moot.
But...
The
point that Goodson was trying to make was that Hollywood cares
about the bottom line really more than cultural sensitivity.
Was he too flippant in the way he couched that? Could be.
But our site is called Fanboy Planet, and we do write with
a sarcastic edge.
And
Puerto Ricans and Mexicans did play Native Americans a lot
in movies. And still do. At least in return Native American/Filipino
Lou Diamond Philips got to play Ritchie Valens.
Explanations
For Kryptonian
Puberty
I have
a theory about the krypto freaks and their ability/inability
to hurt clark or affect him.
We know
from the comics that kryptonite behaves like a radioactive
isotope: i.e. it gives off radiation. Radiation has been known
to cause genetic mutations and the fact that the "meteor
rock" seems to make krypto freaks from the smallest of
contacts (like getting stung by bees, man that one still makes
no sense, then again I didn't know coitus could give you
a power either?).
Now here's
the thing. The rocks themselves hurt Clark because they give
off radiation. They are the cause. When someone like Desiree
is mutated, her body is changed on a genetic level, but she
has no "meteor rock" in her. Since the rocks are
the only thing we've found that actually affect Clark, their
absence would mean whatever power is being used against him
will not really affect him (this is why Desiree's pheremones
didn't work on him).
Plus,
he's got alien organs and an alien nervous system. His olfactory
chemical cues might be very different from a normal human.
Had a Kryptonian female used some pheremones on him, Clark
probably would have fallen right into her hands, and in keeping
with the episode's theme, burned her to a crisp.
But I
know what you're thinking: "Hey those guys in the tattoo
episode could really hurt Clark. What's up with that?"
Well,
here's the thing. The ink they were using contained crushed
kryptonite, so their powers affected Clark more so then say,
Bee Girl (god what a stupid concept). And I'm also guessing
that the small amounts of kryptonite these fellas used wasn't
enough to genetically alter them, and that's why they continued
needing new doses of the ink.
So, there
ya go. Hope it's a plausible explanation for the absence of
Clark's super-hormones in the face of Desiree's super-pheremones.
And if
you need any other semi-scientific explanations for Clark's
powers, I've got plenty. Want one to explain his heat vision?
-- Robert
Sparling
This
is why we need a good message forum. I wept upon receiving
this letter, now knowing that I have a geek twin someplace
in the U.S.A.
Sarah
responds:
I've
always admitted that I'm not up on the Superman minutiae,
but given that the show's producers never committed to following
one continuity over any other, we agreed that I'd be a good
person to venture into their brave new world without any excess
baggage. It does, however, sometimes make me ask stupid questions,
and give you all good reasons to write in and correct me.
Also,
the writers seem to be using the meteor rocks with absolutely
no guidelines or consistency, something that would never fly
in a bonafide DCU. That said, this particular explanation
does make a lot of sense to me, and I will commit it to my
own personal rulebook until something better comes along,
or until Clark falls prey to a similar villain and we all
start bantering back and forth like Comic Book Guy.
And
We're Just Not Complete Without David Busby...
Pretty
much on target again (with
comic reviews this week).
The JLA
story arc is very convoluted. Violent Mess is beautiful art,
but pointless...especially the killer-chick. I hope the story
develops. I loved the first story arc.
Wildcats I was expecting to be boring from the start, it wasn't,
even though I agree about your comment on the digs on our
current administration. I'm still planning on buying #3. We'll
see.
-- David
Busby
Thanks
for reading and writing, and please remember that if anything
sparks your interest on Fanboy Planet, we want to hear about
it!
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