Hi. I'm Sarah. I have the maturity of a five-year-old. And as such, I probably should not be allowed to comment on last night's episode.

What's that you say? Not an option? Well, okay.

I can't remember the last time I had such FUN watching this show, but a lot of that may be because I stopped taking it seriously after I saw lions humping. I spent a lot of time encouraging Clark to light people on fire.

Clark added to his Kryptonian bag of tricks last night, developing a startlingly metaphorical strain of heat vision. Early in the series, you may remember that a sleeping Clark hovered above his bed in a thinly veiled reference to, er, wet dreams. This, if you can imagine, is even more transparent.

We've skipped over the summer and started the school year in the middle of a heat wave. Desiree Atkins, the new biology teacher, is not doing anything to cool the boys down. Everyone's already hot and sweaty, and she's kicking off the class with an old film about reproduction, copulation, and pheromones (featuring the aforementioned lions). Clark is taken aback when the screen erupts in little spurts of flame, but is even more taken aback to learn that Ms. Atkins is the future Mrs. Luthor.

"Hmm," I wonder. "Glowy-green pheromones?"

Well, not exactly. Purple misty pheromones, but still eventually meteor-related. She kisses them into Lex but good, and he tears up the prenuptial agreement and heads off to get married that very evening. (No John Glover outside of the credits, though. Boo.)

A bit emboldened by Lex's sudden wedding, and the groom's advice that you should go for "it" when you know it's right, Clark tries to make a bit of a move on Lana at the Talon, but lights her espresso machine on fire instead.

And then he goes to hide in a wooden barn. Great idea, superbrain. Jonathan takes matters into, uh, his own hands and leads Clark away to learn to control this new ability. Now, I do try to avoid the much-discussed homoerotic subtext of this show. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking for that, but I'm just not interested in it. But when Pa Kent sets up a MALE scarecrow for Clark to practice his fiery ejaculations, I just about lost it completely.

Aside from that, though, it was a very nice scene, underscoring once again the innate calmness of the Kents and the great skill and love with which they've raised their little alien boy. And it was very respectful of Jonathan to leave the area so Clark could think about sex.

Thankfully, though, this world's future Superman will not have to walk around with a chubby to use his heat vision; he learns to control it, but it's a bit too late. He's already been around two suspicious fires, and Desiree is about to make it worse for him.

For she is out to separate Lex from everyone and everything else in his life so she can have him and his money all to herself. He evicts Lana from the Talon after the fire, and generally acts like an ass in a way that will probably come back to haunt him later, since no one else will know or believe that he was under some purple misty spell.

After Desiree's krypto-pheromones fail to work on Clark, she sets her own car on fire and blames him for setting all of the recent fires. He's taken into custody, and she works her magic on Jonathan instead. (Why? I mean, the boy who was so susceptible to a little necklace is immune to the human manifestations of meteor power somehow? Fanboys, discuss. I, for one, think he should have fallen prey to her.)

Desiree, aka Smallville native Allison Sanders, has done this before, as it turns out; recruited students or others to kill her wealthy, twitterpated loved ones. Then, of course, she lost it all investing in dot-com companies. Hee. Clark manages to bust out of jail to save the day, melt the bullet his father has shot, smother a burning Lex with a flowing red cape, and keep Desiree from escaping.

Lex, suitably chastised, files for an annulment and apologizes for letting his passions get the better of him. He admires Clark's restraint with Lana - who ends the episode by breaking up with Private Whitney. How much restraint will Clark have now, especially now that he's not in imminent danger of lighting her on fire again?

Next week, the gibbering fanboy in me will be delighted by the return of the spaceship, which has evidently been sitting in a field all summer with no one the wiser.

Sarah Stanek