I've soiled the card many, many times.

CHAIR SHOTS

03-12-04

The Superbowl of Wrestling!
The Grand Daddy of em All!
The Most Exciting Event in Sports Entertainment!
Les Wrestleables!

Call it what you will, each and every year for the last twenty years, the WWE has unleashed its own version of March Madness with the pinnacle in sports entertainment, Wrestlemania. It is the crown jewel of the WWE pay per views and serves as both a climax to storylines and a new beginning for the year to come. It is the closest thing wrestling fans get to a season finale in a sport that is played year round.

With all that hype and expectation, the event has a lot to live up to. All of the matches should have the "main event" feel and should involve the biggest stars in the industry. The WWE has, for the most part, put together a solid card on paper with the tools they have at their disposal. Locker room political manipulation and other behind the scenes events may soil the card to a great degree, but that's an inevitable trend the WWE has been unable to buck in recent years. Nonetheless, this year's Wrestlemania looks like it may actually be worth the money.

WWE US Title Match
The Big Show vs. John Cena
This match is a prime example of how Wrestlemania should be used. The feud has been a lackluster one, as most feuds with Big Show are. John Cena should win cleanly over Big Show here, capturing the US Title in the process. One feud ends, while the storyline direction for the coming year is revealed.

The Rock & Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair, Randy Orton, & Batista
It's a shame the feud between Orton and Foley turned into a tag match with the Rock. Foley and Orton could have had a classic match that elevated Orton in the process. Instead the Rock makes a cameo appearance and waters down any potential climax to the Orton/Foley feud.

Don't get me wrong, I love The Rock, but he simply doesn't have the time to develop a feud of his own. The match should be pretty cut and dry with the good guys winning after hitting all the signature spots (Mr. Socko, People's Elbow, etc…) I can only hope that Foley is planning to hang around a little while longer and can settle things with Orton 1-on-1 at the next PPV.

mmm...rich, complex storyline...

WWE Women's Title Match
Victoria vs. Molly Holly
I really don't give a fling who wins, but I believe the stipulation for this match is if Molly loses, she shaves her head. I can totally sit through a five-minute match if that is the payoff. If Molly wins, then I've wasted five minutes.

Raw World Tag Team Titles Match
Booker T & RVD vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Mark Jindrak & Garrison Cade vs. La Resistance
Lame Tag Match volume I. Booker T and RVD are the champs and the rest are Sunday Night Heat fodder. Snorefest whose sole purpose is to pack more wrestlers onto the card.

Playboy Evening Gown Match
Torrie Wilson & Sable vs. Stacy Keibler & Miss Jackie
Another match designed to get more "wrestlers" on the card, but I don't mind this one so much. It has a rich, complex storyline…okay, screw it. SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS! If at least 50% of the ladies are wearing stockings with their evening gown, I'm going to order the replay of Wrestlemania and watch it on HDTV.

Smackdown WWE Tag Team Titles Match
Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi vs. The APA vs. The Basham Brothers vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team
Lame Tag Match volume II. Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi are your current Smackdown tag champs. No, that is not a misprint from a 1999 column. Benjamin and Haas is the only team that has any real crowd heat and with Kurt Angle recently turning back to the dark side, Team Angle may soon be reunited. Benjamin and Haas should win, but not after the other six guys really stinking things up. (Stink face pun intended.)

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
Chavo Guerrero vs. Any Cruiserweight
Another match designed to get more wrestlers on the card, but at least it will be fast paced and filled with big spots. The possibility exists that a Raw Cruiserweight could participate in the match and capture the title, but I'm pretty sure Chavo will retain the belt. They have put a lot of work into getting Chavo over and a loss now might derail that effort.

Chris Jericho vs. Christian
I like both guys in the match and I think they can probably have a five star match if properly motivated, but the build up of this feud has just never clicked for me. There are better ways to write the love triangle angle than the twisty backwards way they eventually got here. Since only bragging rights are on the line, it really doesn't matter who wins. More than likely the ending won't finish the feud since Raw has the next PPV just a month away. Look for a false finish or a heel turn by Trish.

Kane vs. The Undertaker
Finally, the Undertaker returns to the gimmick that made him famous. The crowd will go ape poop during his entrance and spill their beer cheering when he hits the tombstone. Given his return and his undefeated streak of wins at previous Wrestlemanias, Undertaker will win this hands down. It's a good move and the gimmick change should be good for another big feud or two, but don't overstay your welcome.

He should drive off with the whole thing.

Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg
Special Ref: Steve Austin
It got a whole lot harder to predict the finish of this one over the last four days. On Monday, Brock Lesnar was going to be the obvious winner because Goldberg and the WWE hadn't reached an agreement over a new contract. Now Brock has told everyone that he's leaving the WWE after the match and going to pursue a career in the NFL. It really doesn't matter which guy wins, since neither of them will be around to reap the benefits. The only person who can gain any heat off this match is Steve Austin. He needs to just kick both their asses and then disqualify both of them. Cheap false finish that won't sit well with fans but what can you do? *shrug*

If only he could tie them both to the back of his ATV and then drag them off to a dumpster…

Raw World Title Match
Triple H vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels
I see the logic behind this match, but I still don't like it. Benoit won the title shot after winning the Royal Rumble, but because HHH is HHH and he refuses to lose to anyone other than his personal friends, he had Shawn Michaels added to the match. This way, HHH can get pinned by Shawn Michaels and lose the belt. It sets up a rematch of Benoit vs. Michaels at the next PPV, which will be in Canada (home country of Benoit and where Shawn Michaels will always be a heel because of the Montreal screw job). HHH manages to not lose to Benoit directly and he can bury Benoit at a later date in time after Benoit captures the belt from Michaels. The rematch in Canada is a great payoff, for Canadians, but HHH's political maneuvering continues to ruin half of the WWE franchise.

Smackdown WWE Title Match
Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle
If the WWE is serious about Eddie Guerrero and wants to let its roster and fans know that they are not just interested in pushing the older, established stars, then Eddie Guerrero must leave Wrestlemania the undisputed champion. If he loses the title less than a month after winning it, then he was nothing but an interim champ and the WWE will have aborted this experiment.

More than likely, the HHH/Benoit/Michaels match will be the final match, but this match has the highest probability of being the best wrestling match. Guerrero and Angle are young, talented and not afraid to take risks for the sake of thrilling the fans.

Assuming at least six wrestlers partake of the open cruiserweight challenge, that brings the total number of wrestlers on the card to 45, plus Steve Austin and the various General Managers/Personal Assistants. That has to be some kind of record for a card that doesn't have a battle royal on it. While no one match stands out as a true clash of the heavyweights (Hogan vs. Rock at Wrestlemania 18 or Austin vs. Michaels at Wrestlemania 14), the card is still filled with a ton of wrestling goodness to entertain both the wrestling purists and the sports entertainment fans.

And the few of us who just really want to see THE BOOBS!

Michael Goodson