Falls Count Anywhere

02-18-03

I'm preparing for The Neverending Pancakes Part 2.

Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere. My name is Chris, and I would rather not discuss Daredevil.

RAW
Supreme disappointment. Everyone seemed sleepy. Perhaps they, too, undertook the Never Ending Pancakes at IHOP as a tribute to Presidents' Day. They did do an OK job hyping a couple of the matches for No Way Out, but as a show itself, I was not happy.

RVD vs. Lance Storm was pretty bad, mostly because RVD looked as if he could hardly keep up with himself. He moved very awkwardly, though he did hit most of his moves. Storm was his usual self, and the crowd genuinely didn't care about the match.

Carrot Top and Stephanie McMahon had a commercial. This is why the WWE should never do anything with a celebrity again. (see FlashBack!)

Bischoff talked, but didn't say much, except to challenge JR to a match. This was way long, and I think everyone watching flipped to see either Michael Jackson or Joe Millionaire. The other Bisch skits were decent though, as Morley is an underrated talent, and Bischoff makes his stuff entertaining.

Jackie and Molly took on Victoria (97 this week on the HOTHOTHOT meter) and Jazz. Not bad, a little forced at times, but Jazz is really good, Molly looked better than usual, and Jackie got some heat for her hot tag into the match. Other than that, not a creature was stirring in the audience.

Yes, this is blatant pandering. It's what we do best.

The Mr. Perfect tribute was good, showing all of his old skits from the late 80s. My favorites? The beautiful 25 foot putt he sunk, followed by the pass he threw for fifty yards to himself.

Roddy "Redd Dogg" Mack vs. Al Snow wasn't terrible, but it did have a scary Tiger Driver finish that nearly kilt Al. I still love Teddy Long, and as such, plan to "Back the Mack."

Jeff Hardy's travels between heel and face continued this week. The tag match against Jericho and Christian with HBK was good, and Jeff looked better than usual. They handcuffed HBK outside the ring, but he still managed to make the match. That's why he should be in the Hall of Fame. Jericho whining after the match about how Jeff hadn't had a win in months was funny, too.

Chris Nowinski took on Hurricane. I really like Harvard Chris, and spending time wrestling Hurricane could only help him, as he looked better than he has in his entire stint. Hurricane did an AWESOME slingshot tope into a Hurricanrana. The Hurricanemania is running wild!

Rico with the Buck Wild Samoans beat down Spike for a few minutes. This served very little purpose. Though I must admit Three Minute Warning are pretty mobile for large men.

Booker T. and Scott Steiner took on Batista and HHH in a tag match that was terrible, but you could see the thigh injury holding HHH back. Seriously, in 2000, I had HHH pegged as the next eternal superstar, going up to Flair levels in the ring, and Austin level at the box office. After the injuries, I doubt he'll ever have a run like that again.

JR vs. Eric Bischoff was lame, though the pre-match Eric as Ginsu knife routine was funny. This was the first time I can think of where the pin was a punch to the stomach.

What this show needed was Austin. Even if it was just a glimpse, with Austin running in to save JR or something along those lines. The crowd was dead, and when Bischoff did the psych-out, making folks think that Austin was going to be on the show, the crowd came alive and was loud. Stone Cold's entrance at No Way Out is going to blow away any that Hogan ever had.

News
I'll do a run down of No Way Out on Thursday, but I will mention that the WWE is trying to bring in Zach Gowen, aka Tenacious Z. The guy is excellent in the ring, which is exceptionally cool because the guy has one leg. Yes, the WWE is bringing a leg-legged man to an ass-kicking contest. Having seen one of his matches recently, I can say that he is very impressive. There is also word that the WWE is looking into bringing another one-legged wrestler, Steve Chamberlin, into the fed. This may be an interesting tag team.

FlashBack!
What is America's greatest natural resource?

That's right, Celebrities! So, when the WWF was trying to break out of the "smoke filled arenas" and National Armories to play the big houses, one of the first things they did was look for celebrities to bring onto the shows.

Hogan had worked with Mr. T on Rocky III and episodes of The A-Team. So Vince thought he could bring him in, get some exposure and launch the WWF to new heights. It worked, but this was also a bad mistake.

You see, Mr. T is a bit of a prima donna. The introduction bits they did were great on camera, but backstage, the T was all about the jibbajabba. He made various requests, all of which were met, and was rude to everyone but Hogan. Even Cyndi Lauper, one of the three biggest recording stars at the time, was pushed around by T and his posse. Despite all of this, Mr. T was to be Hogan's partner against Paul Orndorff and Roddy Piper.

Dr. D David Schultz, not known for putting up with crap, got in T's face and challenged him to a fight. This got the good doctor fired, but managed to make Mr. T look very meek. This is what started T in an unhappy way, and with WrestleMania just days away, no one knew what to do, as T had hinted he wouldn't be appearing.

The WWF had everything riding on WrestleMania. There were millions invested in closed-circuit televison sites around the country. Walk-up sales had been slow, and MSG had sold out. Those who had bought tickets to the CC sites had bought them based on the main event.

If T no-showed, they would be forced to give thousands of refunds, and it's likely that the fans at Madison Square Garden wouldn't take kindly to it, and kill the city the WWF needed as its homebase. The show and T's involvement was important, and scared other promoters so badly that they considered placing a plant in the crowd to attack T as he came to the ring.

The day of the show came, and T showed up just before his match, then wrestled it and that was that. Huge pop, the crowd was happy, and the fans came in big numbers, having bought their tickets the day of for the CC sites that hadn't been cancelled due to poor advances. The WWF was made for good on that day. But T wasn't done.

Look at them. So young, so innocent, so unaware they're about to enter into the Worst Match of the Year.

You see, Mr. T truly believed that the entire reason that WrestleMania hit big was his involvement. Hogan and Piper had been drawing huge houses around the country by this point, and a show of this scale with all of these stars was a sure success. The WWF made one mistake: allowing T to believe this fantasy and book him for WrestleMania 2.

WrestleMania 2 was taking place in three different locations, with Mr. T boxing against Roddy Piper as the main event of the Chicago portion. T had started to wane, and the fans didn't have the same love for him that they had just a year before. The Chicago portion didn't come close to selling out, and the boxing match he had with Piper was awful. So awful as to earn the Worst Match of the Year award.

But a strange thing happened: the fans started cheering Piper.

Piper was the biggest heel in the world at that point, and when the people cheered him, it killed his heel heat. The WWF, needing to make something good out of the disaster, turned Piper good, and gave him a big run. Mr. T didn't get used again, thank God, as his fee for WM2 was another reason that the show didn't really make much money.

The problem with Celebrities is that they are already famous. They know that people know them, and would admit to knowing them, unlike the wrestlers, who are hidden from most of the world, even though they draw huge crowds.

Like the No Limit Soldiers or KISS when they came into the WCW, the rub isn't that great, the cost can be great, both financially and to the morale of the crew. If you knew that the office didn't have enough faith in you as a money maker that they bring in David Arquette to be champion, would you feel like going out and having good matches? Me neither.

Anyhoo, that's Falls Count Anywhere for Monday. No Way Out Preview later this week, and Friday with more news, reviews, and how bringing in Celebrities can make a wrestling star into a superstar.

Chris Garcia