Five minutes before Smallville began, I was thoroughly not looking forward to this ridiculous 90210 ripoff. In some ways, I figured that might be the best thing I could do for myself; lowered expectations do this show a lot of favors.

And sure enough, five minutes in, I was starting to reconsider. Tom Welling and Kristin Kreuk don't look half-bad in period costuming, and really, there was no way they were really going to claim that "Joe" in 1961 was really Jor-El and there's no way he was in love with Lana's great aunt Louise. Right?

Because that would be too much, wouldn't it? Especially since Louise was killed under mysterious circumstances, her husband wrongly accused although he insisted that the drifter, Joe, was truly responsible?

And heaven knows if you threw Lex's grandfather, and Jonathan Kent's father, and the mayor of Smallville into the mix, well, no, that's going too far even for this show.

Except ten minutes in, it became clear that it isn't, and it wasn't, and this train was headed for a conclusion that throws huge obstacles in the way of any sensible continuity.

I've always had my problems with the caves, since from their introduction it has been implied that they were created by some Kryptonian ancestor, which would indicate -- as this episode confirms -- that said Kryptonians possessed the technology for intergalactic travel. Or at the very least, had some good friends with a big space boat.

Leaving aside the question of why Clark would possibly be the only survivor of a planet that could probably have evacuated before it disintegrated into glowy-green fragments, this episode also adds the wrinkle that Clark was sent not only to this blue-green world under a yellow sun, but to Kansas and the Kents specifically.

Jor-El, perhaps on a coming-of-age journey, falls for one of those irresistable shiny-haired girls and conducts a torrid affair with her after rescuing her from a would-be pursesnatcher named Lachland... Lochlan... oh, heck, let's call him Loch-Ness Luthor.

Her husband, although accused of her rather inevitable murder, was innocent and oblivious; Jor-El is also guilty of nothing more than deflecting bullets off his chest and probably into Louise's chest. (He doesn't even seem surprised about it, and he knows he can fly or at least float, so obviously he's not exactly a newcomer to this yellow-sun thing; of course if that's the case, why not leave more instructions for his son? I know this Jor-El has been painted as kind of a dick, but really.)

Loch-Ness, of course, fired the gun, but he's not the real killer either, as he was acting on behalf of the weaselly town sheriff, a man who now occupies the mayor's office.

There was no reason for the murderous thief to be related to the Luthors at all; the tepid revelations he catalyzes for Lex could easily have been explored in a less ham-handed, credulity-straining way.

There was very little reason for Clark to terrorize the mayor into admitting his age-old involvement, using his powers and the family resemblance to mess with the man's mind, but to what end? Lana's great-uncle is pardoned and Clark gets to have a little fun, but it doesn't mean much to anyone.

And most of all, there was really no reason for Jor-El to meet up with Hiram Kent. As interesting as the idea may be, it doesn't reconcile easily with the idea of Superman, a there-but-for-the-grace-of-god orphan with the most marvelous good fortune to be found by the right family. That he might have been sent to them, a C.O.D. from one father to the next, takes the heart right out of this story.

Sarah Stanek