\Cru*sade\ (kr?-s?d), n. [F. croisade, fr. Pr. crozada, or Sp. cruzada, or It. crociata, from a verb signifying to take the cross, mark one's self with a cross...] ...To engage in a crusade; to attack in a zealous or hot-headed manner. --Webster's 1913 Dictionary

And so, another season begins.

Maybe, I thought, if I watch "Smallville" this time like a fan would -- no notebook, a big bowl of pasta in front of me and my computer still shut down, maybe then I'd be happier. Just watch for the sheer joy of...

Hm. Nope. Still pissed off.

Because I care not one whit about any of these characters anymore, I made no effort to remain spoiler-free this summer. Of course, neither did I seek out spoilers; I just let myself hear whatever filtered down to my little world.

Flying! Chloe -- dead, or IS SHE? Lois Lane!

Aaaaaaaaand I'm done!

I admired the "no flights, no tights" edict; leaping tall buildings in a single bound I could handle, I suppose, if they were going that way, but once Clark turned in mid-air, he was flying and that was wrong. I've lobbied for Lois before, but for real reasons, not for the name recognition of a world-famous DC-trademark. Not more pandering to the fanboys...

Speaking of pandering: Margot Kidder as Dr. Swann's assistant. Though I appreciate the nod, it's rather telling that the announcer felt the need to announce Margot Kidder as a Superman alumna, not just in the opening credits, but in a special commercial cutaway. So not pandering, so much as "pat ourselves on the back" stuntcasting, and more evidence that the fanboy demographic isn't really in the WB's crosshairs.

We're spoiled a bit more in the opening credits, always a tricky proposition for a premiere. Allison Mack is not present, but neither is Erica Durance's Lois Lane. Jensen Ackles joins the cast full-time as a new love interest for Lana and no one else is missing. So Lex, Lionel and Jonathan, all of whom were facing possible death -- probably gonna be fine.

And it's three months later, sparing our special effects budget and the need to write . Starman Clark returns to Kansas, meets cute with Lois Lane (Durance is well on her way to looking as haggard as her predecessors Kidder and Hatcher -- what is it about Lois that ages a woman?) and evinces a single-minded need to go off on some damn fool crusade.

(Sorry. Trilogy DVDs. You understand.)

The attempts to echo the series opener fall flat, down to the red blanket and the cornfield. Martha, already dealing with her husband's likely terminal coma, is desperate not to lose her son and contacts Dr. Swann for help. His assistant brings black kryptonite (argh) and predictable words of advice.

Y'all, Clark and Kal-El had a LITERAL battle. CG was not meant for this anymore than it was meant to make Greedo shoot first. And guess which one wins? Gah. I'm done.

Meanwhile, elsewhere. Lex is searching for artifacts that will open the way to a vast library of knowledge that should cure his fatal poisoning -- at least, more permanently than the 72-hour blood transfusions he's currently undergoing. Clark's krypto-crusade naturally coincides, because heaven forbid our plots not intertwine like a French braid, and he steals the crystalline krypto-shard from Lex's plane.

The still-shorn Lionel (whoah, John Glover's in some SHAPE for a magnificent bastard) is about to go on trial, although without Chloe's testimony he's likely to be acquitted. He is probably still dying, and though he taunts Lex about the fabled library, he's certainly far from disinterested.

His hubris remains the most interesting thing about the show as a whole; when Lex accuses him of stealing the artifact at 20,000 feet, Lionel can't quite bring himself to deny involvement in so many words, and Lois' blunt challenges to his state of guilt quite naturally intrigue him.

Lana is happy in Paris until a mysterious brass artifact gives her a krypto-tattoo and portends great mysteries, I'm sure. Her boyfriend, Jason (introduced in a painfully obvious scene that I'm sure wanted to recall the opening of Kevin Smith's internet-darling Superman script) seems in no way dark, twisted, meteoric or otherwise toolish -- but he also seems about twelve years too old for her. Zank heaven for leetle girls.

At this point, it seems almost superficial to point out that although he's making plans for Lana's birthday, it's actually in November -- although it's not like this show has ever felt a need to adhere to any real internal timeline. And what grade ARE these kids in? Wasn't the first season her sweet 16? How much time HAS gone by, anyway?

Obviously, "superficial" is not stopping me today.

And so, after all that, Clark is fine. Normal. Not at all troubled, it seems, by his adventures (in space, with his DEAD father) or plagued by the memories. Jonathan is miraculously recovered, freed somehow from Jor-El's (dead) grasp. Lionel is intrigued by Lois. Lex is having his blood replaced every 72 hours. And Chloe's body ... is not in her grave.

What I wouldn't give right now for a few krypto-freaks.

There are people out there who like this show; there are people who care and enjoy it and write fanfic about it and buy the DVDs. I don't know why, and I think, after all these years of trying, it's naive to think I ever will.

So with that, fanboys, I am, in fact, done, and I bid you adieu. My own crusade, once "undertaken with zeal and enthusiasm" is at its end.

(editor's note: Yes, Sarah has asked not to cover Smallville anymore, but does plan to write for Fanboy Planet in the future. We will still run reviews, by a writer or writers to be determined.)

Sarah Stanek