"A dollar?" you say. "Sarah, whatever will you do with
such untold riches as all that, aside from buy yourself
a fancy new motor-scooter? And why, pray, do we owe you
anything but our undying gratitude for putting yourself
directly in this show's path for the past sixty-some episodes?"
How quickly we all forget. Just about a year ago, Smallville
met Star Wars in an unholy union that brought us
the accelerated krypto-clone,
Emily. About whom I said, Oh, who am I kidding? She's
an accelerated clone; she can be a hottie temptress in less
than a season. If that happens, you all owe me...
That's right, a dollar.
To be fair, the now-teenaged Emily does more waitressing
than temptressing, and her hotness is much up for debate,
but it's the plot that counts. She learns that Lana has
sold the Talon, which upsets her for reasons of plot necessity,
so she escapes from her LuthorCorp cell and pretends to
be the daughter of the new owner to keep the place alive,
exactly as it was.
Emily's
still very big on having things exactly as they were. She
again attacks her father as he tries to rein her in, and
kidnaps Lana to hold her in a strange glass cage in the
barn at her childhood home. (Or something. Maybe it's a
LoftCube.)
Oh, and she can do all of this because in addition to her
already-established super-speed (thanks to the sped-up krypto-clone
metabolism) she can also phase through solid objects like
doors, walls, people's chests. There was some pseudo-scientific
reason given, also related to the supermetabolism.
Lionel,
who was so creepy-sweet to little Emily last time around,
giving her a bunny and offering himself up as a new father
figure, is now most disappointed with this "failed experiment."
Which
was sort of inevitable, as I look back on it. Of course
it wasn't going to turn out well; so few of his "children"
have, but if he only knew the extents she is not morally
prohibited from going to, this might turn out differently
later. Perhaps a more mature Emily could become an evil
sociopathic regular and act as Lionel's slave and henchwoman?
(Man, if that happens next season, you owe me way more
than a dollar.)
Lana almost manages to rescue herself from the glass menagerie,
but is thwarted; Clark saves her from certain gaseous death
(heh) and stops Emily with a cascade from a nearby water
tower. Guess Emily can't phase through water. (Can Kitty
Pryde?)
And here I have to say that nothing, but nothing, looks
worse than CG water. Although I'm against wasting water
in general, for my special effects, I have to draw the line.
Use gray water or figure out some camera tricks that minimize
the need for actual H20, but please, stop it with the computer-generated
water. (And fire, while I'm at it.)
Just for fun, let's take a look at some of the other things
I said last year.
...the story wove krypto-freakiness, Luthor-evilness,
set-up for the season finale, and even some promising forward
motion for Clark and Lana into...
Oh dear.
La plus ça change...
That's French, you see. Because Lana, in case we were in
doubt, is going to Paris. Paris, France! Where they speak
French! And she has to take a plane to get there! And she's
really going... for good! Nothing you can say will stop
her!
As for
moi, I'll believe it when I see her standing in
front of The Winged Victory of Samothrace at the Louvre
and talking about the Da Vinci Code, which I'm told is what
most Americans in Paris are doing these days.
Still a good amount of Luthor-evilness; Lionel discovers
Lex is having him investigated; Chloe finally tells Lex
all of the things he conveniently lost during electro-shock
therapy; Lionel bribes one of Lex's FBI agents to beat the
bejeebers out of Pete to find out Clark's secret; Lex has
Lionel arrested; and Lionel hums vaguely threatening reminders
at his son as he is led away.
Pete, for his part, is shaken enough by this latest experience
to make the decision to move to Topeka with his mother,
rather than stay in Smallville with his father. Adios, Pete,
and happy trails to Sam Jones III. Sad that the writers
chose this episode's first few scenes to give him more personality
than they'd bothered with in the last three seasons, but
that's life on the WB.
In turn, Clark is shaken enough to reconsider telling Lana
about his secret. His ill-advised plan is to be honest with
her so they can be together, and that this will somehow
make her want to postpone her own dreams and stay in Smallville
with him because they are in luuuuuuv.
Again, from last year: Great, sez I. Anything to change
the status quo. It will be interesting to see Clark trying
to keep his secret and keep up his world-saving ways with
a girlfriend at his side, and that's a lesson he should
start learning. ...I can learn to live with Clark and Lana
if it means I'll see something new.
Nope. Not gonna happen. At least not this week. Still one
more to go. Still one more chance for Clark to make the
case that they are Meant To Be, or for Lana to Get On That
Plane, and as I said, I'll believe it when I see her go
through the security checkpoint, put her shoes back on,
board the plane, look forlornly out her first-class window
(courtesy of Lex), take off, get her warm towel and complimentary
cocktail, eat her salad, watch the inflight movie, land
at Charles DeGaulle, go through Customs, have her passport
examined…
And hope that Clark doesn't learn he can run across the
water over the hiatus. First, because that would be an annoying
reason to make the discovery, and second, because I'm tired
of not getting to see the interesting stuff. Much as Big
Red Kal bugged, it still would have been more exciting to
watch his adventures in Metropolis for a few episodes than
run back into this rut so quickly.
Hey, remember when Lionel was dying? Yeah, him neither,
evidently. Although next week, with all the dramatic propensity
of a season finale, may remind us all.
