Because I know you're all just completely fraught with worry about my welfare and what I thought of Smallville last week, for your further enlightenment, fanboys, I present: a week in the life of Sarah and the Smallville review.

Tuesday: Watch episode. Be singularly unimpressed at krypto-plot, character developments and Tom Welling's strategically covered buttocks.

Zachery Ty Brian joins his former TV brother JTT in the WB's guest star ranks, playing Eric, a superjock with a glowy-green inhaler who is stealing kryptonite bars from LuthorCorp trucks to create more of the wonder drug. Not very subtle about it, either, given that he escapes from the robbery in a bright yellow Avalanche, has a metal plate in his head, and used to noticeably SUCK at baseball, his sport of choice.

He and his cronies try to feed Clark into the fire they use for melting down the kryptonite, which serves two purposes: the much-mentioned butt shot, and the sobering reminder that hey! Kal-El is vulnerable to this stuff!

Clark, witness to both the robbery of the truck and the krypto-refining scheme, is wary of the new sheriff's warnings and is reluctant to report it. He does, anonymously, and Eric is summarily arrested. The Torch offices are vandalized, and the Kents are strung up in the barn like livestock for butchering; Eric cops to the latter, but not the former, which may or may not have any future impact.

Quote, verbatim, from my notes: "Boring boring boring, dull dull dull."

Wednesday: Sit down to write review, get sidetracked by more enjoyable things, like paying bills and rewiring bathroom.

Thursday: Start wondering what I really want to say, since the episode didn't really suck, but it certainly didn't do anything for me.

Not that I ever thought I'd find myself saying it, but I was much more interested in the secondary plot with Lana -- I know, but hear me out. There was actual potential for development, a real change in plot direction.

Henry Small has been admirable in his acceptance and embrace of his newfound illegitimate daughter, but his wife Jennifer, much less so. When Lana busts the evil step-mom with another man, the truth comes out, though: Jennifer is filing for divorce, and it's all Lana's fault. Seriously, that was blunt, and harsh, and the girl is only 16 years old, no need to be so brutal, lady.

She tries to distance herself from Henry, but it's no use, and eventually Lana spills the beans about the divorce (keeping back the part about it being her own fault, leaving that to chew on and feel miserable about, I'm sure).

Henry's subsequent actions, whatever they may be, could have real repercussions. Should he get divorced, and should Clark and Lana get it on, and should Chloe throw a passive aggressive hissyfit about that, then Lana has a place to live in season three...

Friday: Get flat tire.

Saturday: Get new tires.

Sunday: Sleep in. Flip by Easy View and feel increasingly guilty. Notice a few things about the tertiary Luthor plotline (aside from the glaring similarity in structure all these second season episodes have shared: Clark plot, Lana plot, Luthor plot, each one touching and weaving in highly predictable ways).

Why is Lionel offering money to rebuild the Torch offices? Does he recognize Chloe as his best chance for wacky meteor coverage? Or quite the contrary, does he want her soul in an arrangement similar to the one Lex has with the Planet in current comics continuity (one story buried, no questions asked)? Is it an excuse to give the set decoration crew a chance for a new set with newly product placed iMacs?

These are the questions Chloe ought to be asking herself right about now, but I'm afraid, like so many other journalists, she'll be blinded by the money and the new iMacs.

Monday: Cinco de Mayo. There were margaritas, and queso, I think.

Tuesday: Steel self for another episode, with ghosts. And more margaritas.

Sarah Stanek