Let's face it, fellow fanboys, we are just not the WB's target demographic. We crave continuity, nuance, and some reverence for our heroes. We are the reason there is an internet, we are an enormous percentage of the annual box office take, we are much more powerful than we realize.

But they ain't making Smallville for us anymore, if indeed they ever were. Because, as fanboys, we tend to notice things like crappy digital video and bad filters trying to convince us that Lana's ex-boyfriend might be in Indonesia instead of the British Columbian sloughs. Or that maybe his Marine unit ought to be wearing helmets. I realize an actual Indonesian shoot would be cost-prohibitive, but helmets are really beyond their budget?

As I get angrier and angrier about the sucking, more and more media outlets start hailing Smallville as entertaining, watchable, and even good. None of these are the words I would use; forgettable, diverting, and infuriating come close.

(Also, I'd like to say that the producers are damned lucky that there's no snow yet in the real Kansas this year either, otherwise I would start getting a lot crankier about the internal timeline and wonder, yet again, what damned time of year it is.)

After a six week hiatus, very little has changed in sleepy little Kansas. Clark and Lana are still making eyes at each other, and … nothing else ever happens in Smallville, so nothing else has changed. But not for long, for Whitney, poor MIA Whitney, is about to make his triumphant hero's return from his tour of duty.

It's a bit of a shock to see Whitney return to Smallville (at least, a shock to see the actor), but not as a big a shock as it was to see shapeshifty Tina and the spaceship. Three bold strokes of continuity in one episode, I know, it's hard to take.

Whitney acts weird from the get-go, however; he claims to have lost a large amount of his recent memories in an explosion, including Lana's breakup tape. But if he doesn't remember that part, why is he so suspicious of Clark? And, er, exactly how did he get superstrong? And why did he bludgeon a Marine officer into insensibility just as he was about to reveal something to Mrs. Fordman about her son?

I admit, I didn't see it coming. I was expecting glowy-green military experiments, or some complication from Lana's necklace (which I really thought she'd given him before he left, even though she had it in that lead box earlier in the episode) or an impersonating fellow recruit. To be honest, I'd almost completely forgotten Tina and her glowy-green skeleton.

She hadn't forgotten Lana, though. Her mild obsession of season one is now a full-fledged case of love jones. God, why is this girl so desirable? Further proof that nothing has changed: Clark figures it all out pretty quickly, but no one believes him. Especially since Tina seems to have committed suicide in her treatment center the week previous.

"Whitney" proposes to Lana, who rejects him, but that doesn't really deter Tina. She asks for the kryptonite necklace as a memento, and then goes after Clark, under the misguided impression that he's what foiled that plan.

She manages to get Clark tied up in his basement, wearing the glowy green necklace, and then it happens. YAY the spaceship! Somehow, the spaceship is triggered by the presence of the meteor, and saves its little alien passenger from a terrible krypto-fate, leeching all the green out of the rock.

Having failed as Whitney, Tina tries again with Lana as Clark, and though they swap some serious saliva, it's interrupted by the real Clark, leading to a brief and messy mano a mano. Tina impales herself on a sharp stick, and dies. Again, such a convenient ending for a person who knows even a part of Clark's secret.

It's announced that the real Whitney was killed in action, which shakes up the town pretty severely, especially Lana, who blames herself for letting him down. Clark is a bit preoccupied with the spaceship's actions so he … goes down to the caves? The whuh? How does that make any sense at all? Is he really going to be a second Kryptonian visitor, because if that's the plan, that's Superlame.

Lex does not have nearly enough screen time in this one, and there's not a bit of Lionel, except in an uninteresting photograph subplot. After Lex's private detectives snapped Lionel sitting with Dr. Girl, he investigated her thoroughly and found a large deposit into her bank account. He assumes the worst, and doesn't much care what she has to say about it … until the end, when he thinks better of his suspicions and begs her forgiveness.

Instead of going with the completely reasonable "your father is blind and paid me to start some research" explanation, the good doctor claims Lionel tried to pay her that money to break up with Lex. She refused, he had the money wired in anyway, and seems to have accomplished his end regardless. They reconcile. I sigh and wish for more screen time that doesn't involve cheekbones or shiny hair.

Six more new ones in a row, though, so it's not happening any time soon.

Sarah Stanek