So I have to admit, I actually haven’t seen Smallville in a while. I watched first season religiously. I found comfort in the characters that quickly became familiar and I have to admit I was entertained by the whole freak of the week deal. Somewhere along mid-third season I sort of stopped watching for no particular reason. Why am I boring you with all of this? Well, it’s more of a disclaimer than anything else. If I appear ignorant of some things it’s because I’ve been away for a little while.

Fortunately for me, the episode begins with a short flashback to freshman year. I always thought you were supposed to mess with the other team’s mascot. However, they do things differently in Smallville because the football players were taunting their own mascot by pushing her around and chanting, “Scabby Abby! Scabby Abby!” In case you haven’t guessed, Abby had a severe acne problem and that’s putting it mildly. So I think to myself, yay, here is our freak of the week. Although, bad skin doesn’t really make you that much of a freak. Well, at least not until your plastic surgeon mother turns you into one for your senior year.

In this case achieving freakdom involves some kind of crazy Kryptonite infusions delivered by means of tubes, needles and a big plastic body cover. All this in the name of beauty and popularity of course. Those suffering from aichmophobia and claustrophobia need not apply.

With her new procedure, Scabby Abby’s own surgically enhanced MILF is able to make her daughter into a hottie worthy of any jock’s drool. Sadly, Abigail’s (she got a new name along with her other improvements) pride and self esteem don’t seem to be positively affected. One of the first things she does as a babe is get wet and naked in the boys’ locker room with Brett. Freshman year was oh so long ago, so maybe she forgot that he gave her the nickname Scabby Abby and made her go crying to her mommy. Or maybe a side effect of Kryptonite surgery makes one really easy and slutty. Or, most likely, she’s just a really dumb girl.

But Karma is quite the bitch and Abigail’s Kryptonite kisses cause Brett to hallucinate. He watches horrified in a mirror as the skin on his face becomes red, black, and ironically enough, scabby! To make matters worse Lois accidentally hits him with her car and he ends up in the hospital.

What I found very amusing about this episode (and by amusing of course I mean really irritating) was all the ridiculous jumping to conclusions. For example, Lana visits the mom about getting ink removed from her lower back (ah, if only I had seen the last few episodes I suppose I’d know what that’s about). When Lana casually asks Abigail about Brett, mother decides that Lana is posing too many questions and must be stopped! And what could have been some sweet girl-on-girl action turned out to be just a way for Abigail to infect Lana with the woes of Kryptonite kisses. In a room full of mirrors, Lana watches in horror as computer graphics wreak havoc on her perfect face. She ends up in the hospital too.

Now maybe I just misunderstood exactly what was going on here, but according to Smallville doctors, the hallucinations were caused by a hike in the serotonin levels. I could be wrong, but I thought heightened levels of serotonin are supposed to make one happy. Isn’t that why all the e-tards are always deliriously cheerful and always professing their love for everyone? Perhaps that’s just from the glow sticks. Ah well, maybe high levels of serotonin in combination with Kryptonite cause one to have hallucinations about really scary acne.

By some warped logic, Chloe and Clark come to the conclusion that the MILF is responsible for all this. But wouldn’t you know it? Lois figured it out before they did and went to question her under the guise of being interested in surgery herself. Now, it appears to me that Lois already had her boobs done at some point and quite possibly her nose, too. She definitely doesn’t need any liposuction, so I’m wondering why the hot doctor didn’t figure out that something was up until Lois’s hidden tape recorder started making funny noises from the depths of her purse.

At any rate, the villainess incapacitates Lois and straps her to the operating table. Just as Lois is about to undergo crazy Kryptonite infusions Clark comes into rescue her. I know, I know…..I wasn’t expecting that either. Lois is saved and the MILF is off to the psych ward where all freaks and villains must inevitably go.

And so that about wraps it up. My first experience with Smallville after a long break was somewhat of a disappointment. I don’t like this Jason fellow and I definitely don’t like the lack of Lex and Lionel. I hope that isn’t some kind of new trend. I’m not quite sure how I feel about Lois, except that she looked much hotter in the promo pictures.

Honda Dumitriu