The Osbournes

Airdate 3-19-02

In total rock 'n roll style, I missed the first two episodes of The Osbournes. So I now dive into the new MTV show in the third episode. Normally, I would feel like I missed out on important exposition and character development, but with The Osbournes, who the hell really cares about all that?

For those of you too cheap to spring for basic cable, too fancy to watch sophomoric programming on a "Music Television" station, or too old to recognize the name Ja Rule, "The Osbournes" is the most recent release of reality television brought to you by MTV, the creators of "The Real World." It offers a glimpse into the life of Ozzy Osbourne, famed old-school rocker, and his lovely family.

The first...um, third episode unfolds with Ozzy getting dressed to hit the red carpet at an autograph signing that night. Let me tell you, there is nothing more fun than seeing a tattooed, pudgy, almost geriatric metal-legend in his boxer-briefs. His wife has picked out a really cool long shiny leather coat for him to wear, but he declines mumbling something about it looking too " F**ing Ricky Martin." Bottom line, Oz: that was a nice coat. If you don't want it, I'll wear it.

He reluctantly climbs into a huge stretch limo to go to the event and enlightens us with: "I f***ing hate these stretch limos. F**ing pimpmobiles. F***. I don't f***ing like them."His wife calms him down by saying, "We didn 't buy it, it's just a rental."

The autograph signing shows us a nice montage of crazy Ozzy and his crazy fans. Signing posters, signing albums, and signing boobs. Just like my dad.

The big event in the episode is the daughter's birthday party. (I know I am supposed to know the freakin' names of the people in his family. I also know they showed them during the opening credits. I just didn't pay attention. This is rock 'n roll man, back off.) ANYWAY, his pink-haired daughter is having a birthday party. The house gets decorated in a goth-festive manner, which means they just dim the lights and put out the fake cauldron. As people enter, a freaky tuxedo-wearing gentleman invites them to enter with a witty warning about the things that may happen to them in the house. Oh, and a contortionist. A leopard body-suit wearing contortionist. He is in the background of most shots putting his feet behind all other parts of his anatomy. I know what you are saying. "YAWN, this is so Halloween 1999. Be creative, guys."

At the party, Ozzy is left on the couch to comment on the party music. The stereo plays some basic house beat that can be found in any overpriced dance club. I laughed out loud when he finally said "This sh*t will make you want to blow your f***ing brains out." Mind you, it took him about 35 seconds of stuttering to say this.

And that really is the most enjoyable part of this show, watching an undead Ozzy communicate with his loved ones. For the most part, I have no idea what he is saying. It's kind of like watching Star Wars. Chewbacca growls and howls, and Han somehow knows exactly what he is saying. The only words I could understand were the ones that were bleeped out.

But the real stars are the dogs. Everywhere the Osbournes go, some tiny fuzzball goes with them. A lesser writer might say: "Who would leave cute, tiny dogs within arms reach of a freak with a history of biting the heads off of bats?" I wouldn't say that though. Even Ozzy needs the cuddle love of his Shnookums.

Let's face it. You don'twatch this show. You will never watch this show. I mean, I love Ozzy and I don't necessarily want to watch this show. It is lame by design. And it delivers! But honestly, that is its charm. So tune in next Tuesday at 10:30.

 

Andrew Preston

 

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