TV Gone Wrong:
The Star Trek That Should Have Been...

"Next time, Counselor Troi, I get to play the music hall dancer..."

In the late 1980s, Star Trek: The Next Generation began a long, successful run in syndication. Unfortunately, ratings in the first year were so low that the show was nearly cancelled.

With only the most hardcore fans tuning in, the producers needed to broaden their scope in order to attract a larger audience. They had two ideas: Take the series in a whole new direction OR ask Jonathan Frakes to grow a beard. They chose the latter and the rest is history.

Recently, a discovery was made in a garbage bin behind Paramount Studios - a torn, partially burned script. Upon closer inspection, it was determined that this was the script intended for the premiere episode of Season Two.

Unfortunately, the producers had made so many notes and changes to the original that it was barely recognizable. Here is what was recovered, along with the producers' brainstorming ideas throughout the script. Enjoy.

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR SPACE ----- STARSHIP
The U.S.S. Enterprise NCC 1701-D orbiting a planet.

PICARD - (Voice Over) Captain's Log. Stardate 42353.7. The Enterprise has made contact with a new species. They have expressed interest in joining the Federation. The request has been transmitted to Starfleet Command and we are awaiting their orders.

INTERIOR BRIDGE
PICARD, TROI, RIKER, WORF and DATA are at their assigned duty stations.

PICARD - Mr. Data, what is your evaluation of this new species?
DATA - Captain, taking into account the many variables present and the inconsistency of -
PICARD - Please, Mr. Data. Just give me your opinion.

What is Data's opinion?
a) This species is ready to join the Federation.
b) This species is not ready.
c) Picard would look better with an afro.
d) Picard can visit the Holodeck, create a Picard hologram and go fuck himself.

TROI - Captain, I sense great fear from this new species.
PICARD - Explain.
TROI - They do not understand us. Our technology is much more advanced than anything they've ever encountered. Would you like to hear my recommendation, Captain?

Picard's response?
a) "Yes of course, Counselor."
b) "Not right now."
c) "Can I give you a recommendation, Counselor? My quarters in ten minutes."

DATA - Captain, I am detecting a ship de-cloaking off the starboard side. Klingon Bird of Prey sir.
PICARD - De-Cloaking?
DATA - Yes sir. It appears to be charging weapons.
PICARD - Evasive maneuvers, Mr. Data. Raise Shields.
DATA - Shields raised.
PICARD - Okay, everybody...

How does Picard finish his sentence?
a) "Go to Yellow Alert."
b) "Just remember that in the event of a water landing, the counselor's breasts can be used as a flotation device."
c) "The last time I de-cloaked in front of someone I was getting my prostate examined."
d) "I'll be in my quarters with a Tribble, some string and a tube of vaseline. Good luck."

PICARD - Open a hailing frequency, Mr. Data.
DATA - Hailing frequency open, Captain.
PICARD - Thank you, Mr. Data. (loudly) Klingon vessel, this is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. Please identify yourself and state your intentions.

What are the de-cloaked ship's intentions?
a) They want to destroy the Enterprise.
b) They are exhibitionists.
c) Worf forgot his lunch back on Klingon

DATA - Captain, they do not appear to be answering.
PICARD - Yes, I can see that Mr. Data. Any thoughts, Number One?
RIKER - Maybe they're interested in the planet. They haven't fired on us. Yet.
PICARD - Suggestions, Mr. Worf?

What does Worf suggest?
a) "I suggest we fire a warning shot, Captain.
b) "Oh, so just because I'm a Klingon, I know what ALL the other Klingons are thinking, right? What, we all look the same to you?"
c) "Get the Makeup Department to dry the sweat off my brow. Otherwise, this giant clay vagina glued to my forehead is going to slide right off."

(Young Wesley Crusher walks onto the bridge)

WESLEY - Captain, is there anything I can do to help?
PICARD - No, Ensign. The situation is under control.
WESLEY - Thank you, sir.
PICARD - Oh, Wesley. Do you remember what I told you earlier?

What did Picard tell Wesley Crusher earlier?
a) "I appreciate your advice."
b) "Here, you can use my toothbrush."
c) "Stay off the bridge, asshole."

DATA - Incoming transmission from Klingon ship, Captain.
PICARD - On-screen.

(The image of a Klingon warrior's face fills the screen)

KLINGON - This planet is ours. You have no right to be here.
PICARD - On the contrary, this planet wishes to join the Federation.
KLINGON - (yelling) Kai-Bah! Gnock-sheck!
PICARD - (turns to Worf) What is he saying?

Translation?
a) "Today is a good day to die."
b) "Revenge is a dish best served with dipping sauce."
c) "Holy crap! Look at the size of their counselor's fun bags!"

- END OF SCRIPT -

BONUS! Also discovered - notes from the producers' brainstorming sessions.

Seven ways to improve the show and bring in a larger audience:

1. Surround Patrick Stewart with real actors.

2. Geordi's visor shoots optic blasts.

3. This is a UPN show, right? Replace the entire cast with black actors, add a laugh track and stick it in the 8:30pm timeslot between Moesha and Homeboys From Outer Space.

4. Data as a Pleasure Model.

5. More guest stars
a) Whoopi Goldberg as a brooding bartender that dispenses cute and valuable advice.
b) Barry Bonds as an artificially enhanced human.
c) Salma Hayak. No reason. I just like looking at her.

6. Dancing Wookies

7. The Enterprise gets caught in a Spacial Rift and is thrown to the far corner of the galaxy. They spend the entire series trying to get home in the - oh, wait. That's a terrible idea for a TV show.

Jason Beymer