If you didn't hear the news yet, next season
Star Trek: Enterprise will be changing its title to
Star Trek: 90210. This was a compromise after a long-standing
debate among the creative staff over whether Star Trek:
O.C. was too current and Star Trek: Dallas was
too confusing.
Star
Treks have often been unfairly labeled the "men's
soap opera." (Of course everyone knows wrestling is the
men's soap opera.) But this week's episode of Star Trek:
90210 (formerly Enterprise) entered a new level
of prime time serial drama.
For the
second time this season, it opens with a "previously
on Enterprise," and a two minute montage of past
episodes. But this week is unique because usually the scenes
chosen lead up to a point and serve as reminder, "in
case you didn't catch these episodes."
However,
the episodes highlighted in this week's montage spanned the
entire season. They borrowed clips from last week's episode
and then zoomed back to November. If you haven't been watching
Enterprise this season, the montage would've been more
confusing then just watching the episode.
A pattern
is starting to develop. Start looking for a guest-star list
that includes Callista Flockhart as Ally McBeal. If T'pol
starts seeing a dancing Vulcan baby, I'm out.
The alternative
introduction doesn't even register on the Night Time Drama
Scale compared to the festering squabbles among the cast.
This guy hates that guy. She's jealous of her and him. Really,
it's as if the crew of Enterprise was stuck in a parallel
high school dimension.
Lieutenant
Reed has been threatened by Major Hayes since the start of
the season (as the montage reminds us). Hayes is the leader
of the Military Assault Command Operation or, conveniently,
MACO. Like the shark. Get it?
Anyway, Hayes has been assigned
to Enterprise to beef up security. And Reed is in charge of
security, so naturally two big strong men will brew in conflict.
What starts
as a pissing contest ends in an all out brawl through the
corridors. Their ability to beat the hell out of each other
generates a mutual respect, and eventually they become a great
team.
No kidding.
That's the plot.
One very
cool side effect, however, is watching some kick-ass ass-kicking.
Since Hayes wants the senior staff to further their combat
training we see some wicked sparring, including a very impressive
match between Mayweather and some unnamed MACO. And a brief
clip of Hoshi in some girl on girl action.
Combat
action. For girl on girl touching action we turn to T'Pol
and the other half of the soap operatic storyline. The sexual
tension between T'Pol and Trip has been growing at the same
annoying rate as Tony Danza and Judith Light. With their neural
pressure sessions and near erotic massages, T'Pol has led
Trip to wonder just Who's the Boss. Watch for the Season Four
episode in which it turns out they met as children on a camping
trip.
For some
reason T'Pol lets down her Vulcan veil and her bathrobe. The
next morning, when Trip has that awkward "about last
night" conversation she claims she was experimenting
with human sexuality - a key component of Earthling sociality.
Of course
it's B.S (bio - secretion). And if she was really studying
human sexuality, she'd know that you can't just sleep with
someone and expect it to be OK. Clearly, T'Pol has got it
bad for Trip, and in the worst way. With the emotional restrictions
of the Vulcan society pressing down on her conscience, T'Pol
would have more luck as a Catholic. Now a naughty Vulcan Catholic
School girl…
While
on the subject of naughty girls in uniform, it's apparent
that humans of the future don't let women on their space ships
unless their cup size is D or greater. Trip flirts with MACO
Cole whose boobs are almost as big as the pixilated Laura
Croft. T'Pol performs neural pressure on her - hence the afore
mentioned girl on girl
Really,
the knock-out girls and sex scenes of questionable relevance
are just another sign of the prime time drama trend Enterprise
is forming. Turns out our heroes aren't very noble at all.
They get in fights. They get jealous. They perform neural
pressure. But will they have a happy ending?
All of
these high school plots forced the Xindi war to the background.
Which may not be a bad thing. But after Archer teasing that
this may be the last leg in our journey in the Xindi saga
- we're no closer. In fact, there are even more questions.
1. Is
that alien dude a solider in the Temporal Cold war that drew
the Xindi into galactic terrorism?
2. Or is he a member of the aliens who created the Delphic
Expanse? The god-like Creators?
3. Or is he a ghost?
Three
is probably ruled out, but it makes the most sense. It's always
laughable when someone has the ability to walk through walls
on a starship. If a wall doesn't stop you, then why should
the floor? If you can phase through a bulkhead why can't you
phase right through the floor and sink into space? Ah, the
mysteries of science fiction.
Or rather
Science Prime Time Drama. Sci-Pri-Ti-Dra. (It'll catch on.
Comic-Con did).
The Sci-Pri-Ti-Dra
action continues next week when Dr. Phlox holds the fate of
the crew in his hands. They're hibernating, and he's going
insane. Didn't we see this episode, already?
Before
we remember, let's go to the weekly Alien Species Scale…
Deltan
Deltans are required by Star Fleet to take an oath of celibacy
before joining. To them sex is like a hand shake. To this
episode, sexuality was just as casual.
Oh,
I remember. It was Voyager - so that doesn't count.
