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On TV Today's Date:

original airdate: 02-11-04

If you didn't hear the news yet, next season Star Trek: Enterprise will be changing its title to Star Trek: 90210. This was a compromise after a long-standing debate among the creative staff over whether Star Trek: O.C. was too current and Star Trek: Dallas was too confusing.

Star Treks have often been unfairly labeled the "men's soap opera." (Of course everyone knows wrestling is the men's soap opera.) But this week's episode of Star Trek: 90210 (formerly Enterprise) entered a new level of prime time serial drama.

For the second time this season, it opens with a "previously on Enterprise," and a two minute montage of past episodes. But this week is unique because usually the scenes chosen lead up to a point and serve as reminder, "in case you didn't catch these episodes."

However, the episodes highlighted in this week's montage spanned the entire season. They borrowed clips from last week's episode and then zoomed back to November. If you haven't been watching Enterprise this season, the montage would've been more confusing then just watching the episode.

A pattern is starting to develop. Start looking for a guest-star list that includes Callista Flockhart as Ally McBeal. If T'pol starts seeing a dancing Vulcan baby, I'm out.

The alternative introduction doesn't even register on the Night Time Drama Scale compared to the festering squabbles among the cast. This guy hates that guy. She's jealous of her and him. Really, it's as if the crew of Enterprise was stuck in a parallel high school dimension.

Lieutenant Reed has been threatened by Major Hayes since the start of the season (as the montage reminds us). Hayes is the leader of the Military Assault Command Operation or, conveniently, MACO. Like the shark. Get it?

Anyway, Hayes has been assigned to Enterprise to beef up security. And Reed is in charge of security, so naturally two big strong men will brew in conflict.

What starts as a pissing contest ends in an all out brawl through the corridors. Their ability to beat the hell out of each other generates a mutual respect, and eventually they become a great team.

No kidding. That's the plot.

One very cool side effect, however, is watching some kick-ass ass-kicking. Since Hayes wants the senior staff to further their combat training we see some wicked sparring, including a very impressive match between Mayweather and some unnamed MACO. And a brief clip of Hoshi in some girl on girl action.

Combat action. For girl on girl touching action we turn to T'Pol and the other half of the soap operatic storyline. The sexual tension between T'Pol and Trip has been growing at the same annoying rate as Tony Danza and Judith Light. With their neural pressure sessions and near erotic massages, T'Pol has led Trip to wonder just Who's the Boss. Watch for the Season Four episode in which it turns out they met as children on a camping trip.

For some reason T'Pol lets down her Vulcan veil and her bathrobe. The next morning, when Trip has that awkward "about last night" conversation she claims she was experimenting with human sexuality - a key component of Earthling sociality.

Of course it's B.S (bio - secretion). And if she was really studying human sexuality, she'd know that you can't just sleep with someone and expect it to be OK. Clearly, T'Pol has got it bad for Trip, and in the worst way. With the emotional restrictions of the Vulcan society pressing down on her conscience, T'Pol would have more luck as a Catholic. Now a naughty Vulcan Catholic School girl…

While on the subject of naughty girls in uniform, it's apparent that humans of the future don't let women on their space ships unless their cup size is D or greater. Trip flirts with MACO Cole whose boobs are almost as big as the pixilated Laura Croft. T'Pol performs neural pressure on her - hence the afore mentioned girl on girl

Really, the knock-out girls and sex scenes of questionable relevance are just another sign of the prime time drama trend Enterprise is forming. Turns out our heroes aren't very noble at all. They get in fights. They get jealous. They perform neural pressure. But will they have a happy ending?

All of these high school plots forced the Xindi war to the background. Which may not be a bad thing. But after Archer teasing that this may be the last leg in our journey in the Xindi saga - we're no closer. In fact, there are even more questions.

1. Is that alien dude a solider in the Temporal Cold war that drew the Xindi into galactic terrorism?
2. Or is he a member of the aliens who created the Delphic Expanse? The god-like Creators?
3. Or is he a ghost?

Three is probably ruled out, but it makes the most sense. It's always laughable when someone has the ability to walk through walls on a starship. If a wall doesn't stop you, then why should the floor? If you can phase through a bulkhead why can't you phase right through the floor and sink into space? Ah, the mysteries of science fiction.

Or rather Science Prime Time Drama. Sci-Pri-Ti-Dra. (It'll catch on. Comic-Con did).

The Sci-Pri-Ti-Dra action continues next week when Dr. Phlox holds the fate of the crew in his hands. They're hibernating, and he's going insane. Didn't we see this episode, already?

Before we remember, let's go to the weekly Alien Species Scale…

Deltans are required by Star Fleet to take an oath of celibacy before joining. To them sex is like a hand shake. To this episode, sexuality was just as casual.

Oh, I remember. It was Voyager - so that doesn't count.

Kevin Miller

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