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On TV Today's Date:

original airdate: 04-15-05

At this, the 11th hour, writing a review for Enterprise is like writing a speech for Kerry the day after the election. I'd just as soon enjoy these last few episodes without exploring the pros and cons on a website. I’d enjoy it more. And it wouldn’t slash my inner nerd’s heart up as badly. It’s hard enough watching the UPN teasers with eye-popping lingo like “Only five original episodes left!”

Our good friend Star Trek has ordered her final meal. It’ll be here soon. And then we can all sit in the chair together – and pass peacefully into DVD and syndication. That’s what the Paramount suits want. And that’s what we’ll get. They're no more interested in the solid plot lines that have developed on Enterprise than the rest of America – save us loyal two and a half million viewers.

We’re finally getting the Star Trek prequel proposed to us four years ago. Archer and crew live in a time before the Federation. When the galaxy was populated by distinct cultures. No inner breeding. The Andorians have their own fleet. As do the Klingons, the Vulcans, the Orions and the humans. It’s so entertaining to see these different cultures and technologies in their infancy.

But instead of focusing on these issues for three years we watched NX01 fight the ridiculous Xindi and wade through a Temporal Cold War. Its been said many times over since the hammer dropped, but if the sort of episodes playing this season aired in the first – or even the third – it probably wouldn’t have been cancelled at all.

While working out, Reed and Mayweather discuss the sensual Deltans, a race featured on TNG. Likewise, the Orion Syndicate, on the original show, was home to the hot green-skinned girls and not much more. DS9 explored their mafia political structure briefly – but gave up on the green skins.

Enterprise does it right. Hot, green-skinned sex slaves, oozing camp, came dancing onto the screen this week. And yes, dancing. Some sort of Janet Jackson beyond the stars mix played as they popped and locked in a highly choreographed dance. It goes on for so long viewers can make out at the bottom of the screen, “...shameless attempt at higher ratings.”

But Star Trek, and indeed Enterprise, has never been afraid to flaunt the sexual side to earn viewers. We’ve seen T’Pol topless. Three green butt cheeks ain’t nothing.

The slave girls, butt cheeks and all, are given to the captain to commemorate their first steps toward better Star Fleet and Orion Syndicate relations. But their green pheromones soon disrupt the crew something awful. Men become overly aggressive while the women on board complain about headaches.

It's a GREAT example of new information about an old Star Trek alien. It can be assumed by Kirk's time Star Fleet has developed an inoculant to the pheromone. They’re still hot chicks, but they won’t make you want blow up a starship just cause they ask nicely and licked your neck.

But by the end of the episode we learn something confusing about their social structure. Due to their overpowering nature it appears the women are in charge and not actually “slaves” at all. If we had another season we could learn more about this dynamic. At first episode glance, it seems to fly in the face of everything we know about the Orions – including stuff on Enterprise. Not that long ago we watched them sell women in a slave trading outpost. Was that being manipulated by the women? Perhaps women are sold when they’re tired of being with an owner. We’ll never know…

We’re going to miss out on so much. A clash between the Klingons and the Orions – who at this point in time appear to have similar technology.

It's time to stop hoping and start realizing this show isn’t going to come back. And our one real shot has been shot down. TrekUnited, while guilty of creating some rather pathetic attempts to draw attention to the cause, such as rallies and fundraising, have actually been working behind the scenes on a few viable solutions. It seems TrekUnited is spearheaded by some rather smart people.

While us fanboys were putting together posters and picketing they were meeting with Paramount and production companies in Canada, trying to make a connection. Unfortunately, Paramount saw their fundraiser money as just that, and refused to allow them (and us) to invest financially in the show, despite the fact that TrekUnited is incorporated.

What this all means is: it’s dead. And, no it’s not Family Guy. It won’t be coming back in three years because DVD and Cartoon Network tipped the scales. SPIKE TV doesn’t want us. And the Star Trek suits don’t want to shop the show around.

Let’s just enjoy the “Five original episodes left…”

Kevin Miller

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