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Piglet's
Big Movie
The
Evil Disney Version
Deep
in the Hundred Acre Wood, inside a hollow tree, rests a tome
fairly pulsating with the power of its evil past. Those who
speak of it do so hoarsely, and they call it Piglet's Book
of Memories.
Within
the deceptively childish hand that scrawls across its pages,
secrets lurk. And the denizens of the wood race against time
to unlock those secrets, in hopes that they may rescue their
innocent friend Piglet from a horrible fate - one that has
arisen from their own minds…
Actually,
it turns out that the real threat to Piglet is these so-called
friends. As they relive vignettes from their past, one thing
gets hammered home. Piglet hangs out with a bunch of real
jerks.
In tale
after tale, the same sick and twisted game plays out. The
innocent and trusting pink twink gets conned into being the
goat for some scheme. When he (assuming Piglet is male - at
some points in the film, Carly Simon provides Piglet's singing
voice) reaches an epiphany, or somehow rights a situation,
one of the other woodfolks take credit for it, time and time
again.
When
a strange new animal moves into their territory, the other
creatures steal her baby Roo and replace him with, you guessed
it, Piglet. Even though Kanga sees through the disguise, she
goes along with the ruse, clearly having no recognizable maternal
loyalty.
It's
an enchanted neighborhood, all right -- of foul and pestilent
changeling creatures.
Even
when Piglet tries to do good, it backfires. Seeing that the
suicidal donkey Eeyore, too paralyzed by angst to take any
action, needs a home, Piglet assumes the responsibility for
surveying an acceptable lot. Sure enough, the brutish Pooh
sweeps in and claims it in his name.
In a
clear parable of the lack of quality in modern construction,
the bear's doughy paws throw a few sticks together to approximate
a house, held in place by the tortured baby boar stretched
within its walls.
The filmmakers
would have you believe that eventually these characters come
to their senses and value their friend's contributions to
them all. But by the end of this film, Piglet's ego has been
so battered and bruised, such a transformation defies credibility.
Instead,
look into those button eyes, black as fine obsidian, and see
a scarred soul screaming for the inevitable day that Piglet
gets payback.
Maybe
not in this lifetime, but definitely the next…
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