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Fine English Ham.

Piglet's Big Movie

The Evil Disney Version

Deep in the Hundred Acre Wood, inside a hollow tree, rests a tome fairly pulsating with the power of its evil past. Those who speak of it do so hoarsely, and they call it Piglet's Book of Memories.

Within the deceptively childish hand that scrawls across its pages, secrets lurk. And the denizens of the wood race against time to unlock those secrets, in hopes that they may rescue their innocent friend Piglet from a horrible fate - one that has arisen from their own minds…

Actually, it turns out that the real threat to Piglet is these so-called friends. As they relive vignettes from their past, one thing gets hammered home. Piglet hangs out with a bunch of real jerks.

In tale after tale, the same sick and twisted game plays out. The innocent and trusting pink twink gets conned into being the goat for some scheme. When he (assuming Piglet is male - at some points in the film, Carly Simon provides Piglet's singing voice) reaches an epiphany, or somehow rights a situation, one of the other woodfolks take credit for it, time and time again.

When a strange new animal moves into their territory, the other creatures steal her baby Roo and replace him with, you guessed it, Piglet. Even though Kanga sees through the disguise, she goes along with the ruse, clearly having no recognizable maternal loyalty.

It's an enchanted neighborhood, all right -- of foul and pestilent changeling creatures.

Piglet...or Chucky?.
Even when Piglet tries to do good, it backfires. Seeing that the suicidal donkey Eeyore, too paralyzed by angst to take any action, needs a home, Piglet assumes the responsibility for surveying an acceptable lot. Sure enough, the brutish Pooh sweeps in and claims it in his name.

In a clear parable of the lack of quality in modern construction, the bear's doughy paws throw a few sticks together to approximate a house, held in place by the tortured baby boar stretched within its walls.

The filmmakers would have you believe that eventually these characters come to their senses and value their friend's contributions to them all. But by the end of this film, Piglet's ego has been so battered and bruised, such a transformation defies credibility.

Instead, look into those button eyes, black as fine obsidian, and see a scarred soul screaming for the inevitable day that Piglet gets payback.

Maybe not in this lifetime, but definitely the next…

Derek McCaw

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