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The
Haunted Mansion
Eddie
Murphy had a bit in his stand-up where he pointed out that
you'd never find a black family in a haunted house movie.
It went something like this, and forgive any paraphrase:
Eddie:
What a great house. Nice neighborhood. The kids are happy…
Disembodied
Voice: Get out!
Eddie:
Too bad we can't stay.
And the
audience would erupt in laughter. The character Murphy plays
in The Haunted Mansion, however, shows none of that
wisdom, and never earns as much laughter in the course of
the movie.
Even
without Murphy, this latest ride adaptation from Disney still
wouldn't have much strength, though it does have promise.
Over a spooky title sequence underscored by familiar ghostly
themes, the history of Gracey Mansion (the one from Disneyworld's
Magic Kingdom) plays out in montage. From that beginning,
director Rob Minkoff revels in the lush production design
of John Myhre, which cleverly pays homage to its origins as
an amusement park attraction without overtly copying it.
But unfortunately,
the script by David Berenbaum cannot say the same. Though
it detours to establish Murphy's family, once the action returns
to the mansion, it's less a story than a tour determined to
get to every room of the ride, no matter how awkward the transition.
Only
one sequence, involving animated corpses in a magnificent
crypt, didn't look familiar. Rumor has it that it's from EuroDisney's
Phantom Manor, but since not even Europeans have been there,
it's hard to confirm.
Murphy
plays realtor Jim Evers, straight out of the comedian's fast-talking
hustler bag. A distracted family man, Jim means to be good
to his wife and kids, but can't resist a deal. When his wife
Sara (Marsha Thomason) receives an invitation to try to sell
a decrepit Louisiana mansion, Jim is the one who insists they
take a detour from a planned outing to at least check the
place out "for just twenty minutes."
Once
inside, cadaverous servants dressed in clothes more than a
century out of date do nothing to tip the family off. Actually,
that's not quite true: straw coward son Michael (Marc John
Jeffries) knows better than to go into dark corners rife with
spectral activity. Not that that will help; once the Evers
are trapped in Gracey Mansion by a storm, the ghosts will
find each and every one of them, especially Sara, the spitting
image and possible reincarnation of Master Gracey's (Nathaniel
Parker) dead love.
If you
find yourself asking how everybody could be stuck as a ghost
except for the one key character, give yourself a pat on the
back and turn in your E Ticket. Otherwise, just go along for
the ride.
It's
almost the least of the plot holes in a horror film too afraid
to be a horror film. Sometimes the ghosts appear white and
spectral, but only when it conveniently serves the plot, or
more importantly, when it serves to match the attraction.
Things you accept at a Disney theme park raise some odd questions
here, such as just what are all those international
and ancient ghosts doing in a Louisiana cemetery?
Berenbaum
doesn't seem to know, and even when he raises interesting
questions himself, he never gets to answer them. Everybody
talks about a curse, and Madame Leota (Jennifer Tilly), the
disembodied head in a crystal ball, refers to someone as having
made the rules. Those rules, by the way, are also clearly
being broken, as the Hitchhiking Ghosts are very disturbed
by the possibility that Jim and his kids can see them. But
none of that gets pursued because…well…there's more special
effects to show.
At least
Terence Stamp keeps his stiff upper lip through all these
proceedings. As Master Gracey's manservant Ramsley, it's clear
that he probably knows all the answers. But a gentleman's
gentleman keeps secrets.
One secret
he might have shared with Minkoff was how to build suspense.
Maybe it's the need to keep it family friendly, but there's
not a jump or a scare that hasn't been telegraphed or outright
bungled. Even the zombies look pretty ineffective.
Just
like their teeth, every possible edge to this story has been
smoothed. Even the obligatory toilet humor really is just
a joke about the existence of a toilet. It's clear that the
dark secret of Gracey Mansion must have involved race, but
here it's demurely an issue of "marrying beneath one's station."
And yeah, I believe that it wouldn't be an issue at all
in today's Louisiana. Oh, noooo.
Still,
it's cheaper than buying a day pass to one of the parks. And
children who have not yet made it to Anaheim or Orlando will
probably be enthralled. There are also Disney fans that I
know will not be dissuaded, and to you I say…
"Welcome,
foolish mortals."
Rating:
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