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The
Cat In The Hat
Have
you ever left a bunch of crayons in a hot car for a few hours?
I did that once when I was a kid. My mom's car had a black
vinyl interior and it got hotter n' Hades in there. The resultant
mess was brightly colored and kinda pretty. However, it ruined
the back seat floor-mat of the car and was completely useless
for coloring purposes.
Dr.
Seuss's Cat in the Hat is also a brightly colored, completely
useless, sticky mess. Mercifully, at 78 minutes, it's less
of a strain on the floor-mats of my mind than it could have
been, and the first act of the film is almost entertaining…until
the Cat shows up.
Oh Mike
Myers…why? Why ruin this icon of childhood when you
claim to have so much reverence for it?
As necessary
when expanding a children's picture book into a feature film,
there was quite a bit of plot padding. Kelly Preston plays
Joan Walden, mom to Conrad and Sally, and a real estate agent
for Sean Hayes' neat-freak Mr. Humberfloob. Dakota Fanning
and Spencer Breslin play Sally and Conrad, two polar opposites
who both have a thing or two to learn about fun. Sally is
a hyper-meticulous stick-in-the-mud who plans each detail
of her life, even spontaneity, on her palm pilot; Conrad is
an irresponsible terror who never considers the consequences
of his actions.
Alec Baldwin
plays sleazy next-door neighbor Quinn, who's desperate to
marry Joan and send young Conrad to military school. His character
seems largely unnecessary; perhaps he's there to provide a
character more loathsome than the titular Cat.
Mr. Humberfloob
has volunteered Joan's house for a company party, and if it's
not scrupulously clean, her job is toast. Joan goes home to
prep the house and mind her kids, but Humberfloob calls her
back into the office. Joan calls Mrs. Kwan, played by Amy
Hill, to baby-sit, and she falls asleep for most of the rest
of the movie. Lucky her.
Before I go any further, I'd like to state for the record
that up until this point the movie has been fairly entertaining.
Sean Hayes is quite funny as Humberfloob, the kids are decently
fleshed out characters, and the "Parent-Trap" sub-plot
is kind of amusing. Visually, the flick has a lot to recommend
it; the art and costume design are both faithful to Seuss.
I was starting to think I had been unfairly prejudiced, as
I had with Elf.
Enter The Cat.
Oh God
it was awful. Mike Myers in whiteface, wearing what looked
like the pelts of slain black and white teddy bears, convulsed
onto the screen and proceeded to annoy us all to death. Departing
from the standard Seussian quadrameter, Myers spoke in a snarky
Jewish accent with frequent forays into Cowardly Lion mode.
When Seuss
verse did sprout out of his mouth he droned the lines by rote
as if they were something he didn't really want to say. Though
I doubt it was intentional, Myers seemed to feel nothing but
contempt for the original Cat in the Hat character, and was
determined to remake him in his own image.
The cat
I remember was wacky and fun, yes, but he was also fully in
control of what was going on. Always smiling and calm, he
let the chaos swirl around him, always sure he could clean
it up in the end. The kids didn't know it, but the Cat did.
Myers'
Cat is a spastic mess; arms flailing and fur flying, he looks
like he's hopped up on speed. The scriptwriters, or perhaps
Myers himself, injected some off-color jokes, probably designed
to hold the adults interest, but they came off as vulgar and
inappropriate.
The one
bright spot was the underused Goldfish. Hayes provided the
voice (of reason) for the Cat's foil, and he alone spoke the
Seussical lines like he meant them. Alas, the character was
reduced to a shrill irritant, and his role as Mom's mouthpiece
went by the wayside in favor of Myers' unfunny antics.
Kids may
like this one; grownups probably won't. Points for art direction
and non-Cat casting, but if you have to see it, sneak in and
don't give them your money. It'll only encourage them to rape
another classic Seuss story.
Note
to Brian Grazer:
You've
gummed up the Grinch
You've skinned the poor Cat
You may think the Lorax
Is next up to bat,
I speak
for the trees
When I threaten and plead,
A third Dr. Seuss flick
Is not what we thneed!
Rating:
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