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Guest Column Today's Date:

Revenge of the Jihadi

Odysseus. The real deal.
Editor's note: Last week, U.S. soldier "Odysseus" gave me permission to reprint his satirical article, "Fanboys of Jihad." Here today is the sequel.

Once again, the opinions expressed are those of the author, but the jokes made here-in we think are funny.

A few weeks ago, I wrote what I thought was a satirical piece on the similarities between fantasy, SF and comic fans and Jihadis. Apparently, I touched a nerve. This came to me through some highly unofficial channels, but fortunately, I’m in a pretty well-defended place.

Transcript of conference call between several highly placed Al Qaeda operatives. Security Classification: Unclassified. No restriction to dissemnation.

Analysis notes:

1. Positive identification of Ayman Al Zawahiri, Osama Bin Laden’s deputy, is confirmed, 90% probability.

2. Identification of others remains inconclusive.

Start Transcript:

ZAWAHIRI: Is everyone on?


UNIDENTIFIED#2: Peace be upon you. I am here.

UNIDENTIFIED#3: Can you hear me?

ZAWAHIRI: Yes. Good. I’ve called you because Osama, Peace Be Upon Him, has read a disturbing item and we must take action. You have all read the column by the infidel who calls himself, “Odysseus?”



UNIDENTIFIED#3: The fanboy thing? Yes.

ZAWAHIRI: Osama feels that he has defamed us, and defamed the true faith. He feels that we must draft a Fatwa.



UNIDENTIFIED#2: Come on. That’s a lot of work for one lousy column. It’s not like anyone rioted over it.

ZAWAHIRI: Yes, still…

UNIDENTIFIED#2: I kind of liked it.

ALL: What?

UNIDENTIFIED#2: Well, yeah. I mean, think about it. Beards. Living at home. It was kind of funny, you know, that on a superficial level, their fanboys look like us.

ZAWAHIRI: We are not Fanboys! It is an insult! For an infidel to compare the Green Lantern Oath to the Qur’an is an outrage!

UNIDENTIFIED#1: Which oath?

ZAWAHIRI: Green Lantern…

UNIDENTIFIED#1: No, I mean the original one or the silver age one? Was it the one that goes, “In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight…”

ZAWAHIRI: It doesn’t matter which one! It’s still blasphemy.

UNIDENTIFIED#2: Yeah, but there’s blasphemy and there’s blasphemy. It’s better than the new Green Lantern.

UNIDENTIFIED#1: Agreed. Kyle Raynor sucks. They need to bring back Hal Jordan.

ZAWAHIRI: This is beside the point. Our honor has been insulted.

UNIDENTIFIED#3: True. We cannot be compared to American fanboys. It will shame us in the eyes of the Ummah. No one will take us seriously.

UNIDENTIFIED#1: They take Joss Whedon seriously.

UNIDENTIFIED#3: Please. When Firefly tanked, they tossed him faster than you can say “Shazam.” He’s writing an X-Men comic now, for Allah’s sake.

UNIDENTIFIED#2: Yeah, but have you read it? It’s better than what Claremont’s doing lately.

UNIDENTIFIED#3: What isn’t?

ZAWAHIRI: I cannot believe what I am hearing! You have let the decadent culture of the crusaders corrupt you!

UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh, like you haven’t seen Episode I twenty times.

ZAWAHIRI: That’s different. We must know enough about the infidel culture to destroy it. I take no pleasure in it.

UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh, right! Who used the Jedi mind trick to get past a US Army checkpoint?

UNIDENTIFIED#2: What? No way!

UNIDENTIFIED#3: It was sooo cool. They had us stopped, and Ayman waves his hand at the MP and says, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

UNIDENTIFIED#2: What did he do?

UNIDENTIFIED#3: That was the best part. The MP almost cracked up, and then he said, “These aren’t the droids that we’re looking for.” Then he waved us through.

UNIDENTIFIED#2: That’s awesome.

ZAWAHIRI: Well, yeah, but it proves my point. I knew enough to use their culture against them. It was like when Kirk dressed up as a Romulan to infiltrate their ship. It wouldn’t have worked without the pointed ears.

UNIDENTIFIED#2: Which one was that?

UNIDENTIFIED#3: The one with the hot Romulan commander babe.

UNIDENTIFIED#2: I’m more into the Next Generation.

UNIDENTIFIED#1: [unintelligible]

UNIDENTIFIED#2: [unintelligible].

UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh please. Kirk would so kick Picard’s ass….

UNIDENTIFIED#2: [unintelligible].

ZAWAHIRI: Enough! Are we going to do this or not? Osama has said…

UNIDENTIFIED#1: “Osama has said…” Right. Osama doesn’t read blogs. He spends all of his online time downloading “previews” of his 72 virgins, except for when he’s in the Buffy chat rooms.

ZAWAHIRI: That’s how he found out about it. He was mortified. Allyson Hannigan was laughing at him. We must take action.

UNIDENTIFIED#3: “Willow” laughed at him? At least it wasn’t Xander.

UNIDENTIFIED#1: Yeah, really. Remember when she became a vampire? I’d take her for a wife.

UNIDENTIFIED#3: Even with the whole “Tara” thing?

UNIDENTIFIED#1: Yeah! What’s the point of having two wives otherwise?

ALL: [Laughter, hooting noises]

ZAWAHIRI: Can we get back to the Fatwa?

UNIDENTIFIED#3: A Fatwa is so lame. Those things never work. Hello? Salman Rushdie, anyone? And why does this guy rate one? You wouldn’t let me put out a Fatwa on George Lucas after Phantom Menace. I waited in line for four days for that piece of crap! If Jar-Jar doesn’t earn you the just and righteous wrath of Allah, nothing should.

UNIDENTIFIED#2: I thought that Jar-Jar was kind of funny.

ALL: What?

UNIDENTIFIED#2: I said, I thought that Jar-Jar was kind of funny.

UNIDENTIFIED#3: Okay, that’s it! I want a Fatwa on you.

ZAWAHIRI: [unintelligible]

End Transcript

If you like Odysseus' writing, more can be found here.

If you want to comment, please write Fanboy Planet at the link below, or enter the forum.

Derek McCaw

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