Revenge
of the Jihadi
Editor's
note: Last week, U.S. soldier "Odysseus" gave
me permission to reprint his satirical article, "Fanboys
of Jihad." Here today is the sequel.
Once
again, the opinions expressed are those of the author, but
the jokes made here-in we think are funny.
A few weeks ago, I wrote what I thought was a satirical
piece on the similarities between fantasy, SF and comic
fans and Jihadis. Apparently, I touched a nerve. This came
to me through some highly unofficial channels, but fortunately,
I’m in a pretty well-defended place.
Transcript
of conference call between several highly placed Al Qaeda
operatives. Security Classification: Unclassified. No restriction
to dissemnation.
Analysis
notes:
1. Positive
identification of Ayman Al Zawahiri, Osama Bin Laden’s
deputy, is confirmed, 90% probability.
2. Identification
of others remains inconclusive.
Start
Transcript:
ZAWAHIRI:
Is everyone on?
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
I’m here
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
Peace be upon you. I am here.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
Can you hear me?
ZAWAHIRI:
Yes. Good. I’ve called you because Osama, Peace Be
Upon Him, has read a disturbing item and we must take action.
You have all read the column by the infidel who calls himself,
“Odysseus?”
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
The fanboy thing? Yes.
ZAWAHIRI:
Osama feels that he has defamed us, and defamed the true
faith. He feels that we must draft a Fatwa.
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
For that?
ZAWAHIRI:
Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
Come on. That’s a lot of work for one lousy column.
It’s not like anyone rioted over it.
ZAWAHIRI:
Yes, still…
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
I kind of liked it.
ALL:
What?
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
Well, yeah. I mean, think about it. Beards. Living at home.
It was kind of funny, you know, that on a superficial level,
their fanboys look like us.
ZAWAHIRI:
We are not Fanboys! It is an insult! For an infidel to compare
the Green Lantern Oath to the Qur’an is an outrage!
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
Which oath?
ZAWAHIRI:
Green Lantern…
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
No, I mean the original one or the silver age one? Was it
the one that goes, “In brightest day, in blackest
night, no evil shall escape my sight…”
ZAWAHIRI:
It doesn’t matter which one! It’s still blasphemy.
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
Yeah, but there’s blasphemy and there’s blasphemy.
It’s better than the new Green Lantern.
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
Agreed. Kyle Raynor sucks. They need to bring back Hal Jordan.
ZAWAHIRI:
This is beside the point. Our honor has been insulted.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
True. We cannot be compared to American fanboys. It will
shame us in the eyes of the Ummah. No one will take us seriously.
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
They take Joss Whedon seriously.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
Please. When Firefly tanked, they tossed him faster than
you can say “Shazam.” He’s writing an
X-Men comic now, for Allah’s sake.
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
Yeah, but have you read it? It’s better than what
Claremont’s doing lately.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
What isn’t?
ZAWAHIRI:
I cannot believe what I am hearing! You have let the decadent
culture of the crusaders corrupt you!
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
Oh, like you haven’t seen Episode I twenty times.
ZAWAHIRI:
That’s different. We must know enough about the infidel
culture to destroy it. I take no pleasure in it.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
Oh, right! Who used the Jedi mind trick to get past a US
Army checkpoint?
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
What? No way!
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
It was sooo cool. They had us stopped, and Ayman waves his
hand at the MP and says, “These aren’t the droids
you’re looking for.”
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
What did he do?
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
That was the best part. The MP almost cracked up, and then
he said, “These aren’t the droids that we’re
looking for.” Then he waved us through.
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
That’s awesome.
ZAWAHIRI:
Well, yeah, but it proves my point. I knew enough to use
their culture against them. It was like when Kirk dressed
up as a Romulan to infiltrate their ship. It wouldn’t
have worked without the pointed ears.
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
Which one was that?
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
The one with the hot Romulan commander babe.
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
I’m more into the Next Generation.
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
[unintelligible]
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
[unintelligible].
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
Oh please. Kirk would so kick Picard’s ass….
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
[unintelligible].
ZAWAHIRI:
Enough! Are we going to do this or not? Osama has said…
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
“Osama has said…” Right. Osama doesn’t
read blogs. He spends all of his online time downloading
“previews” of his 72 virgins, except for when
he’s in the Buffy chat rooms.
ZAWAHIRI:
That’s how he found out about it. He was mortified.
Allyson Hannigan was laughing at him. We must take action.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
“Willow” laughed at him? At least it wasn’t
Xander.
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
Yeah, really. Remember when she became a vampire? I’d
take her for a wife.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
Even with the whole “Tara” thing?
UNIDENTIFIED#1:
Yeah! What’s the point of having two wives otherwise?
ALL:
[Laughter, hooting noises]
ZAWAHIRI:
Can we get back to the Fatwa?
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
A Fatwa is so lame. Those things never work. Hello? Salman
Rushdie, anyone? And why does this guy rate one? You wouldn’t
let me put out a Fatwa on George Lucas after Phantom Menace.
I waited in line for four days for that piece of crap! If
Jar-Jar doesn’t earn you the just and righteous wrath
of Allah, nothing should.
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
I thought that Jar-Jar was kind of funny.
ALL:
What?
UNIDENTIFIED#2:
I said, I thought that Jar-Jar was kind of funny.
UNIDENTIFIED#3:
Okay, that’s it! I want a Fatwa on you.
ZAWAHIRI:
[unintelligible]
End
Transcript
If
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