Metallica Song for the Weeks of August 9, August 16 and August 23.

Ain't My Bitch - Load

When one listens to Ain't My Bitch, one is presented with a simple question: If that ain't my bitch, then what be my bitch?

Locating one's bitch can be a delicate process. Let's run down the Dos and Don'ts when identifying one's bitch.


  • Do not ask items and/or persons whether they are your bitch out loud.
  • Do not take out a personal ad reading "SWM iso my bitch."
  • Do not write "My bitch" on a Post-It note and secretly stick it on your co-workers.
  • Do not produce a half-assed 80's movie entitled "Desperately Seeking My Bitch."
  • When at dinner parties, use the indefinite article: "A bitch." Never "my bitch."


  • Generate a series of bitch-highlighting questions. Ask everyone you know these questions. Also, be sure to post them on your Geocities homepage.
  • Respond to all instances of "Anything else?" with "Yeah. Where my bitch at?"
  • Develop a bitch-entrancing stare. Use it only at the drive-thru window.
  • Go to a hip night club, become a DJ and then once every hour say "All the bitches in the house say 'HO!'"
  • Start a poll in the forums of an entertainment web site, like this one.

Using these techniques, I found my bitch, and it turned out to be Lars Ulrich.

Good luck at finding your bitch!

Andrew Preston

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