Every other week, Andrew Preston will share his views on the world of fashion. He hopes that by reading this, chicks will dig you more.

The Basics

Since this is the first installment of my fashion column, and since I know that virtually no one will be reading it at this point, I think we should spend some time with the basics. Some people may find this condescending, some may find it amusing, but I am sure that most of you will find this to be nothing more than just lame. So remember: lame is my goal…lame is my goal.

We shall go from top to bottom, for simplicities sake.

Head – You head is the round thing atop your shoulders that contains your eyes, ears, nose and mouth. Some people have hair on different areas of the head. Items that can go on your head consist mostly of hats. There are many types of hats: the ballcap, the fedora, the beanie, and the bonnet are all types of hats. Helmets can also go on your head, but they are mainly worn for safety reasons and really shouldn’t be critiqued from a fashion standpoint. Advanced readers will point out that some people choose to put jewelry on their heads. That is correct! Earrings, nose-rings, tongue-rings, lip-rings, and eyebrow-rings are all pretty common nowadays. At some point, we will cover them all.

Torso – Your torso can be considered anything between the waist and the neck, including the arms. This includes the chest, shoulders, and upper abdominal area. The most common garment worn on the torso is the ever-popular “shirt.” There are countless subdivisions of shirts such as dress-shirts, bowling shirts, T-shirts, and tank tops. The “sweater” can also be worn on the torso. The sweater is mainly identified by its long sleeves, thick fabric, and fuzzy feel. But don’t be fooled! The sweater-vest has short sleeves and still can be classified as a sweater! Jackets, coats, tunics, tops and blouses can also be worn on the torso.

Waist – Belts. That is all that can go here. If you put anything other than a belt or a navel-ring on you waist, you are a freak.

Legs – Legs can be seen by looking down past your genitals toward the floor. They usually look like 2 long arms with funny hands at the ends. The most common piece of clothing is typically seen here is the pant. Pants come in all shapes and designs. The most common are the long and the short. Shorts are shorter than long pants. The name was not created to deceive. There are also sweat pants (that contain no actual sweat), dress pants (nope, no dresses in them), and leggings (ironically, only when worn do leggings contain legs).

Feet – The things you stand on all day long. The bottoms of them are usually thick, and durable. If you are a man, you have ugly feet (unless you take care of them, we will cover that later). If you are a woman you may have ugly feet…sorry, that is the way it is. Shoes go on feet. Shoes are not my strongpoint. I know my men’s shoes. But I’ll tell you right now, all honest and stuff, I don’t know the name of the different types of women’s shoes. I was watching the X-Show once, where they had this contest, and the women had to name the power tools and the men had to name the female shoe types…dude, I don’t know a mule from a pump. So, we will definitely not talk about women’s shoes in this column. But men’s shoes are open season. Dress, slide, loafer, and tennie: all types of shoes.

Those are the basics for now. I am sure that I forgot to add anything of any worth or relevance. Please email me with complaints.

Andrew Preston

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