Real advice, from a real girl, and she is not your mom or your sister.

Ask A Girl 7/27/01

You know you want to ask me.

Letter #1

Dear Girl,

Is cybersex cheating or harmless flirting? I’m guessing that it depends on whom you married/date, but I’m taking a poll. What about other things like porn and strip clubs? Is it cheating if you never swap body fluids?

Steve C.

Milpitas, CA.

Dear Steve,

Yes, cybersex is cheating unless you have an open relationship (and you both know it’s open). Sorry.

Porn is not cheating, but women really don’t like to know that you look at it. On the other hand, they also don’t want you to keep it a secret from them because then they’ll think you’re creepy because you sneak around looking at porn. The best choice is to let your Significant Other know that you occasionally look at porn just because it’s a guy thing (hence an incomprehensible requirement of your genes). Be sure to stress that you don’t do it often because the women are so fake and not nearly as beautiful as she is or have as great a body as she has (say this regardless of your S/O’s looks). NEVER leave porn around where she will find it.

Strip clubs fall into the porn category. They are OK for bachelor parties, but not on a regular basis. Your S/O will probably suspect something if you attend bachelor parties several times a week.

Letter #2

Dear Girl,

Does size matter? Seriously.

Moriarty

Dear Moriarty,

Size does not matter unless it is under 4 inches or over 9 inches. Over 9 is very serious. If it is over 9, you better let me check it out in person.

Letter #3

Dear Girl,

How should a guy dress on a first date? I don't want to be either too formal

or too casual. Where's the perfect medium that won't scare her away?

Sincerely,

Lame Dresser

Dear Lame,

First date dressing depends on where you are going. Choose attire that is appropriate to the activity, or you will look really stupid. For basic dating, such as dinner and a movie, you are generally safe with khakis, polo shirt, and loafers.

Things to remember:

·         clothes should be clean with no food stains, rips, or body odor

·         don’t clash colors (if you can’t tell if you clash, wear a white shirt)

·         don’t go shirtless if you have zits on your back

Letter #4

Dear Girl,

I consider myself to be a semi-good-looking guy, but I really don't seem to have the guts to approach women. I always find myself thinking "She doesn't want to be hit on, I should just forget about it." Even in places where hitting on people is generally encouraged (bars, clubs, etc.) I can't seem to approach anybody. So my question is this: In general, do women mind being hit on and flirted with? And how exactly will I know who wants me to approach them?

Women don’t mind being hit on by cool guys, but they hate being schmoozed by losers. So, the first thing to establish is whether you are really a semi-good-looking guy or a loser who has a high opinion of himself. Take this short test: “On my day off, I would rather…”

A)     Watch sports

B)     Play Counter Strike

C)    Go shopping and drink chai lattes

Answer A is acceptable only when watching Ice Skating. Answer C is always acceptable, and no, it does not mean you are gay. As always, there are exceptions to the rule, and these include slutty looking women with too much make-up, too little clothing, and a bad dye job. They will almost always talk to you for a free drink (and then ditch you later). The upside is that these women generally have bigger breasts than those classy, intellectual types. The other exception is if you are a total loser. It’s the average losers, like semi-good-looking guys, who really take the hit. A 100% loser is the kind of guy that always ends up with the best looking woman in the room, and everyone says, “how the hell did he end up with her?”

Approaches:

Intellectual women: try hitting on these women at bookstores and ask if they’ve read the latest book of poetry by whoever is hot right now (ask the clerk about who is hot). Another approach is to tell her that her tag is sticking out of the neck of her blouse (or other clothing related faux pas). Don’t approach in bars.

Slutty women who are likely to have sex on the first date: approach in bars and offer comments that make them believe that you think they are classy, intellectual women who hang out in bookstores. Offer to buy her a glass of champagne, tell her you love her outfit – is it Gucci? You saw one just like it on the cover of Cosmo, ask her if she was the model for Calvin Klein perfume (don’t ask if she was a swimsuit model for Sports Illustrated).

Sidney Long

Discuss this and more in the Fanboy forums.