Fantasy Booking: Fear Factor
Editor's Note: Tonight, May 6, 2002, NBC brings back past champions
for an ultimate Fear Factor. But we say they're wussies, and can prove
it with our take on what the show should actually be. We first ran this
article last August.
Fear Factor is a mindless show. I mean that in the nicest possible way.
You don't need to know anything about it to understand what's happening
in any given episode. It doesn't matter who the contestants are or why
they decided to play. It's complete mindless, no brain required television,
only there to make you go "I can't believe people are doing this for
For those of you that have never seen the show, each week host Joe Rogan
(Joe from News Radio) takes a handful of willing contestants through
three challenges. Each challenge involves some basic phobia (heights,
bugs, darkness, children, etc…). The contestants attempt to complete
each challenge and the winner at the end of the show gets 50,000 dollars.
There is only one problem with Fear Factor: the challenges almost never
involve fear. Most of the challenges are designed as an athletic competition
(crossing a rope that is tied between two buildings in a short amount
of time) or are really just disgusting (eating live beetles). I (and
the rest of the viewing public) hunger for more that just squeamishness.
We want to see people wetting themselves with fear. Not just "boogeyman"
fear either. Real, hardcore, mind scaring, stuff that keeps you awake
at night FEAR!
With that in mind, Fanboy Planet's Fantasy Booking brings you:
Fear Factor: The Season Finale
Since this is the season finale and these challenges are more fear inducing
than previous shows, the prize money will have to be upped to one million
dollars. It's a small price to pay for this ratings bonanza. For the
purposes of this season finale, all the previous Fear Factor winners
return for a chance to compete for the one million dollars. So welcome
back Joe Rogan and the 13 previous Fear Factor contestants. (applause)
He cut off my damn ear!"
#1 - Van Gogh TV
Joe greets the contestants on the steps of the Los Angeles County Museum
of Art. He explains a little about the history of art and focuses on
the background of Vincent Van Gogh. Van Gogh was known not only as a
brilliant painter, but also for the act of cutting off his own ear.
For the first challenge, each contestant has 24 hours to return to the
steps of the museum with a human ear. No questions will be asked about
how the ear was acquired. Fear Factor will not be held responsible if
the contestants break the law to acquire the ear.
Difficulty: 4 (out of 5)
Tell a friend that you'll spilt the money with them if you can just
"borrow" their ear.
If your friend says no, then you either have to attack someone on the
street or cut off your own ear. That's dangerous, man.
Fear Factor: 5
The police are going to know whom to look for when you show up on NBC
holding a human ear and it isn't your own.
Results: We lose 5 out of the 13 contestants, plus one guy shows up
with an ace bandage around his head. Everyone else has shifty eyes.
Challenge #2 - Sexual Roulette
"A shot at
one million dollars and sex with me in exchage for crabs..."
On day two we find our host and contestants outside of the Holiday Inn
in Brentwood. With Joe are three beautiful women and three hot guys.
They are all exceptionally good looking. The challenge is that each
contestant must choose either a man or a woman, take them in to the
Holiday Inn, where rooms have been provided, and have sex with them.
The catch is that none of the contestants will be allowed to use protection
(condom, divorce lawyer, etc…) and that two of the models (one man and
one woman) have a sexually transmitted disease. The disease is not fatal,
but no other information is given.
What if you're so worried about getting a sexually transmitted disease
that you can't get it up?
Is it worth a chance at one million dollars and sex with a babe for
a 33% chance of a sexually transmitted disease? That, my friend, is
"Must See TV."
Fear Factor: 5 Sure, it could just be crabs, but it could also be herpes.
Results: Amazingly all the contestants make it through the challenge
except two. One man refuses because he is married and one woman is eliminated
because no one explained to her that for the purpose of the game, oral
sex is not actually considered sex.
Challenge #3 - Hard Time
"I cut off
a guy's ear, screwed a supermodel and now I'm in jail. I wonder
what my wife is doing right now?"
Finally, Joe and our remaining contestants gather at the California
State Prison of Los Angeles. Since there can be only one winner, the
contest ending must be decisive. To that end, all of the contestants
will be locked up as prisoners in the jail. They will go through normal
processing (strip search, delousing, etc…) and be roomed with an actual
prison inmate. The rules are simple: the contestants remain prisoners
until they quit. Last contestant left wins.
If you don't mind being someone's bitch, then it really isn't that difficult.
I don't think your new cell mate cares how much money you are going
to win, tossed salad is on the menu for dinner.
Fear Factor: 5
Before the contestants go in, Joe tells them to hook up with a gang,
or they're dead meat. Remember, they signed a waiver and NBC cannot
be held responsible if they get killed with a shiv in the shower.
Results: Well, someone wins…and it's you, the home audience! With this
kind of show, Survivor can kiss the "Reality TV" throne goodbye.
Until next time…
this and more in the Fanboy forums.