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How To Tell If G.I. Joe Is Good...

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was not screened for critics and wasn't previewed at ComicCon which can only mean one thing; It is so insanely amazing that traditional marketing crutches like good reviews and strong advance fan word of mouth would just give Stephen Sommers' masterwork an unfair advantage in the box office against everything in the multiplex not directed by the genius behind Van Helsing.

Since I won't be getting to see GIJ:TROC until midweek I have some questions for those who are seeing it opening weekend.

From the trailer it looks like Cobra's first target while rising is The Eiffel Tower just like in the first first GI Joe mini-series "The M.A.S.S. Device".

We'll always have Paris.

We like destruction of landmarks in our summer movies and the tower has a fine cinematic pedigree (View to a Kill, Superman 2, Condorman), but the question remains -- will Summers end his picture with Breaker restoring the Tower in London by mistake and the Joes having to physically lug it back to Paris?

Some questions I have about Channing Tatum's portrayal of Duke:

Will Duke wear two collared shirts of the same color on top of each other?

Dang...he's right.

Can new Duke hold his own against a Goliath 3 times his size?

There's part of me that thinks this scene was in there because Hasbro was sitting on a bunch of unsold 12" Conan figures that they were going to try and repackage.

During a flashback will we learn that as a young man Duke grew up defending
Peter Parker?

Have you ever seen Duke and Eddie Brock in the same picture?

Enough about Duke. Does the film tell us why are the Cobra Troopers devoted to this ruthless terrorist organisation determined to rule the world?

Dang...he's right.

At one point, assuming they have caused Duke to drown, these two brag that they are going to get bonuses.

Dang...he's right.

But then later, after throwing Scarlett into a dungeon, one of them calls her a "G.I. Joe witch."

Which is it? Are they purely mercenaries or do they have some kind of fanatical anti-fringe belief system agenda? I need to know.

There's part of me that doesn't want to go after the only draw Sommers' flick might have, and I know he was everyone's favorite, but I need to address Snake Eyes. He was always the Wolverine to Duke's Cyclops (which sounds far dirtier than intended when I started that metaphor), but even for the 80s he's presented as ridiculously badass.

At any point during Cobra's titular rise does Snake Eyes pull a Wrath of Khan and head into the radiation cloud for the good of the mission? Does Major Blood then let Snake Eyes, now glowing purple with radiation, wander into the Arctic tundra with the MacGuffin unmolested assuming he will die soon enough? Once Snake Eyes manages to get a fair distance away, does he rescue a wolf from a trap, get batted away by a polar bear even bigger than Duke's Conan rip-off, and eventually saved by a blind hermit?

One-eyed, two-armed polar purple people eater...

Not only that, but back in his Arctic shack does said blind hermit apply a "simple dressing of leaves and herbs" which draws the radiation from Snake Eyes' body into a husk that he then burns for warmth?

Wait...seriously? This happens? And people are worried the movie won't make sense?

Can someone let me know if Cobra and Joes join forces again their common enemy, the tube worms?

Did Ken Russell direct this?

Also important to me is if at any time does Cobra Commander declare that, "Cobra Rulessssss!" and pump his fist in the air like it's his first Aerosmith concert?

Destro remembers his first beer.

Seeing as this is a Sommers movie, we know that it's going to lead to a red digital countdown/disarm the bomb climax. In the movie when this happens and the tension is high, does Gung-Ho simply blast the frak out of the doomsday device?

That simple, huh?

Finally and most importantly does the film have a leather clad Sienna Miller recreate this scene in live action?


Because if the answer is yes I may be able to move some things around in my schedule and catch a late show Friday and that's the kind of happy ending we can all agree on.

J. Dobbs Rosa

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