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Chairshots

Welcome to Chairshots! My name is Michael Goodson and I'm an adequate replacement for Chris Garcia. Of course I missed Smackdown so all I've got to satisfy your wreslting craving is a recap of Taboo Tuesday and some half naked diva pictures.

Taboo Tuesday
WWE held their first "fans pick the match/stipulation" PPV this past Tuesday and by most accounts it went pretty well.

Chris Jericho vs. Fan Choice - Intercontinental Title
Voting results:

Shelton Benjamin 37.5% (my vote)
Batista 20.1%
Coachman 7.0%
Christian 6.7%
Rhyno 5.8%
And the rest…

Shelton was the fan favorite for battle for the IC title and the WWE responded in kind by giving it to him. The match was good but didn't really click with the fans because both guys are faces. Then again, the fans have no one to blame but themselves.
Martha Stewart is welcomed by her new cell mates.

Winner & NEW Champion - Shelton Benjamin

How sad is it that The Coach got the third most votes? He's a crappy announcer and doesn't wrestle. Who would vote to watch that match on a PPV?

Fulfill Your Fantasy Battle Royal - WWE Woman's Title
Voting results:
School Girl 53.10% (Pedophiles!)
French Maid 30.03% (My vote)
Nurse Outfit 16.87%

No real wrestling to describe here, well not the traditional kind anyway.

Winner and STILL Champion - Trish

Seems odd to have this match so early on the PPV. How are all the male viewers going to stay awake after rubbing one out?

Weapon of Choice Match - Kane vs. Gene Snitsky
Voting results:
Chain 40.84% (I didn't vote cause…who F$%*!@ cares??)
Steel Chair 29.93%
Lead Pipe 29.24 %

Punch, kick, chain, punch, kick, chain, etc… Dull match for a feud that made no sense to begin with. Kane, the heel, blackmails Lita into sleeping with him (coughRapecough). Kane, the heel, forces Lita to have the baby through intimidation and by removing her boyfriend Matt from the picture (coughAssaultcough). Snitsky accidentally causes Lita to have a miscarriage (coughPoorTastecough). Kane, now a face, seeks revenge on Snitsky (clickMondayNightFootballclick).

Oh, and the guy's name is Snitsky! What ever happened to names like Dusty Rhodes or Gorilla Monsoon?

Snitsky won the match and made sure to leave Kane bloody because he has to take time off to shoot a movie called "Eye Scream Man". If that movie doesn't win an Oscar than Chris Garcia will eat my shorts.

Winner and STILL named Snitsky - Snitsky

Eric Bischoff vs. Eugene - Loser Must…
Voting results:
Head Shaved Bald 58.73% (My vote)
Wear Dress 20.77%
Be the Winner's Servant 20.50%

I couldn't decide if I wanted to see a retarded guy wear a dress, be a man slave or have his head shaved. I went with head shaved because it would give him a great excuse to start wearing a helmet.

Bischoff ends up losing the match and it's WCW all over again with him getting his head shaved. Eugene went from world title contender to this. How far the mighty retards have fallen.

Winner - Baldoff, errr…Bischoff

La Resistance vs. Chris Benoit & Edge - World Tag Team Titles
Edge and Benoit were the default challengers as Shawn Michaels beat them both out for the World Title shot. Edge was none too happy with the fans and ended up leaving Benoit to fight La Resistance alone. Because Benoit is the most awesome force of nature ever released upon this Earth, he won and is currently the sole tag team champion. I'm sure that will change on Monday.

Winner and NEW champion(s) - Benoit and Edge (?)
Baseball? Who gives a crap about baseball?

Christy vs. Carmella
Voting results:
Lingerie Pillow Fight Match 56.48% (My vote)
Evening Gown Match 33.22%
Aerobics Challenge 10.30%

The outfits should have been more revealing because the match sucked. Leave the real wrestling to the professionals, ladies. Just walk some wrestlers down to the ring, try not to get raped by Kane and eventually quit the WWE over the way they objectify women. Oh, do that after your Playboy shoot.

Winner and a hot spaz - Christy

Triple H vs. ??? - World Heavyweight Title
Voting results:
Shawn Michaels 38.72%
Edge 33.42% (My vote)
Benoit 27.86%

Both regular readers of Falls Count Anywhere know that Shawn tore his meniscus on Monday night, about an hour after the polls opened for this PPV. The WWE really should have stepped in and removed him from the list of candidates because I've seen Shawn wrestle injured and it isn't pretty.

The only thing the WWE did was show that they were concerned by moving this match out of the main event slot and into a safer position. You don't want to send the fans home when the last thing they've seen is one gimp wrestler fighting to stay in the match followed by a screw job finish.

Oh, the screw job finish…Edge ran in and speared Shawn giving HHH the easy win. Edge screamed that it should have been him and ran out through the crowd.

Yes Edge, it should have been you.

Winner and STILL Champion - HHH
"Hello, nice to meet you. Love your back fat."

Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair
Voting results:
Steel Cage 68%
Falls Count Anywhere 20%
Submission Match 12% (My vote)

The Legend vs. "legend killer" match left both men bloody but Randy Orton got the win over Ric Flair. If you like watching two guys beat the plasma out of each other than this was a pretty good showing. Even in 2004, Ric Flair still impresses me with what he's able to accomplish in the ring. Winner and STILL not a 100% fan favorite - Randy Orton

Bottom line: Not a bad show but nothing worth saving for posterity either. The booking team was limited somewhat with Shawn Michaels injury but something creative could have been done about it.

Both women's matches were purely there for softcore porn value but when you advertise that you're "giving the fans what they want" you can bet the fans will choose porn every time.

Randy Orton has potential but despite being given every opportunity hasn't really sealed the deal as a major player yet. He will always be in the IC belt range but he hasn't really shown me that he's ready to be a world champion (and he's been the world champion, so that's saying something.)

That's it for me. Chris Garcia will return to his regularly scheduled column next week.

Michael Goodson

 

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