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Chairshots
Welcome to Chairshots! My name
is Michael Goodson and I'm an adequate replacement for Chris
Garcia. Of course I missed Smackdown so all I've got to satisfy
your wreslting craving is a recap of Taboo Tuesday and some
half naked diva pictures.
Taboo
Tuesday
WWE held their first "fans pick
the match/stipulation" PPV this past Tuesday and by most accounts
it went pretty well.
Chris Jericho vs. Fan Choice
- Intercontinental Title
Voting results:
Shelton
Benjamin 37.5% (my vote)
Batista 20.1%
Coachman 7.0%
Christian 6.7%
Rhyno 5.8%
And the rest…
Shelton was the fan favorite for battle
for the IC title and the WWE responded in kind by giving it
to him. The match was good but didn't really click with the
fans because both guys are faces. Then again, the fans have
no one to blame but themselves.
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Martha Stewart
is welcomed by her new cell mates.
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Winner & NEW Champion - Shelton Benjamin
How sad is it that The Coach got the
third most votes? He's a crappy announcer and doesn't wrestle.
Who would vote to watch that match on a PPV?
Fulfill Your Fantasy Battle Royal
- WWE Woman's Title
Voting results:
School Girl 53.10% (Pedophiles!)
French Maid 30.03% (My vote)
Nurse Outfit 16.87%
No real wrestling to describe here, well
not the traditional kind anyway.
Winner and STILL Champion - Trish
Seems odd to have this match so early
on the PPV. How are all the male viewers going to stay awake
after rubbing one out?
Weapon of Choice Match - Kane vs.
Gene Snitsky
Voting results:
Chain 40.84% (I didn't vote cause…who F$%*!@ cares??)
Steel Chair 29.93%
Lead Pipe 29.24 %
Punch, kick, chain, punch, kick, chain,
etc… Dull match for a feud that made no sense to begin with.
Kane, the heel, blackmails Lita into sleeping with him (coughRapecough).
Kane, the heel, forces Lita to have the baby through intimidation
and by removing her boyfriend Matt from the picture (coughAssaultcough).
Snitsky accidentally causes Lita to have a miscarriage (coughPoorTastecough).
Kane, now a face, seeks revenge on Snitsky (clickMondayNightFootballclick).
Oh, and the guy's name is Snitsky! What
ever happened to names like Dusty Rhodes or Gorilla Monsoon?
Snitsky won the match and made sure to
leave Kane bloody because he has to take time off to shoot
a movie called "Eye Scream Man". If that movie doesn't win
an Oscar than Chris Garcia will eat my shorts.
Winner and STILL named Snitsky - Snitsky
Eric Bischoff vs. Eugene - Loser Must…
Voting results:
Head Shaved Bald 58.73% (My vote)
Wear Dress 20.77%
Be the Winner's Servant 20.50%
I couldn't decide if I wanted to see
a retarded guy wear a dress, be a man slave or have his head
shaved. I went with head shaved because it would give him
a great excuse to start wearing a helmet.
Bischoff ends up losing the match and
it's WCW all over again with him getting his head shaved.
Eugene went from world title contender to this. How far the
mighty retards have fallen.
Winner - Baldoff, errr…Bischoff
La Resistance vs. Chris Benoit & Edge
- World Tag Team Titles
Edge and Benoit were the default challengers as Shawn Michaels
beat them both out for the World Title shot. Edge was none
too happy with the fans and ended up leaving Benoit to fight
La Resistance alone. Because Benoit is the most awesome force
of nature ever released upon this Earth, he won and is currently
the sole tag team champion. I'm sure that will change on Monday.
Winner and NEW champion(s) - Benoit and
Edge (?)
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Baseball? Who gives
a crap about baseball?
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Christy vs. Carmella
Voting results:
Lingerie Pillow Fight Match 56.48% (My vote)
Evening Gown Match 33.22%
Aerobics Challenge 10.30%
The outfits should have been more revealing
because the match sucked. Leave the real wrestling to the
professionals, ladies. Just walk some wrestlers down to the
ring, try not to get raped by Kane and eventually quit the
WWE over the way they objectify women. Oh, do that after your
Playboy shoot.
Winner and a hot spaz - Christy
Triple H vs. ??? - World Heavyweight
Title
Voting results:
Shawn Michaels 38.72%
Edge 33.42% (My vote)
Benoit 27.86%
Both regular readers of Falls Count Anywhere
know that Shawn tore his meniscus on Monday night, about an
hour after the polls opened for this PPV. The WWE really should
have stepped in and removed him from the list of candidates
because I've seen Shawn wrestle injured and it isn't pretty.
The only thing the WWE did was show that
they were concerned by moving this match out of the main event
slot and into a safer position. You don't want to send the
fans home when the last thing they've seen is one gimp wrestler
fighting to stay in the match followed by a screw job finish.
Oh, the screw job finish…Edge ran in
and speared Shawn giving HHH the easy win. Edge screamed that
it should have been him and ran out through the crowd.
Yes Edge, it should have been you.
Winner and STILL Champion - HHH
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"Hello,
nice to meet you. Love your back fat."
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Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair
Voting results:
Steel Cage 68%
Falls Count Anywhere 20%
Submission Match 12% (My vote)
The Legend
vs. "legend killer" match left both
men bloody but Randy Orton got the win over Ric Flair. If
you like watching two guys beat the plasma out of each other
than this was a pretty good showing. Even in 2004, Ric Flair
still impresses me with what he's able to accomplish in the
ring. Winner and STILL not a 100% fan favorite - Randy Orton
Bottom line: Not a bad show but nothing
worth saving for posterity either. The booking team was limited
somewhat with Shawn Michaels injury but something creative
could have been done about it.
Both women's matches were purely there
for softcore porn value but when you advertise that you're
"giving the fans what they want" you can bet the fans will
choose porn every time.
Randy Orton has potential but despite
being given every opportunity hasn't really sealed the deal
as a major player yet. He will always be in the IC belt range
but he hasn't really shown me that he's ready to be a world
champion (and he's been the world champion, so that's saying
something.)
That's it for me. Chris Garcia will return
to his regularly scheduled column next week.
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