Falls Count Anywhere

01-31-03

Chris Garcia is round on the bottom.

Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere. My name is Chris, and I don't fear the reaper.

SmackDown!
After this week's RAW, SmackDown! had a lot to live up to, and it didn't quite make it. There were a few good matches, a nice interview or two, but overall, it was only good, mostly due to a couple of bad choices.

The biggest thing they did wrong, in my eyes, was giving A-Train the win over Rey. Now, I understand that A-Train got pummeled by Undertaker, and traditionally you give that guy a big win after an embarrassing loss, but Rey was the wrong guy. Rey needed the win to get revenge from the loss and knee injury angle they did a couple of months ago.

I understand people like Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan believe that if a small guy gets a win over a big guy then that exposes the business and makes it look fake. My response: it also makes the fans happy. A bad choice to go with A-Train.

Eddy Guerrero, sporting a Cheat 2 Win shirt (if any of the readers here would like to reward the writer of this column in any way, that shirt would be perfect!) pinned John Cena. Eddy Guerrero is my favorite wrestler, and even though he looked a little beat up, he carried Cena to a decent

Garcia wants this t-shirt, and doesn't care who knows it.

bout. I actually dug some of the dope rhymes that dropped from JC on his way to the ring. He writes his own stuff, apparently, and he is getting better as a character. Eddy's frogsplash is just so pretty.

Brian Kendrick, aka the Shawn Michaels-trained Spanky, showed up and acted as Paul Heyman's bootlick before delivering a singing telegram to UT and getting a Last Ride for his troubles. I am a fan of introducing new characters in bits like this, but Kendrick will never get a shot at the Taker, so it was a pointless bit.

Shannon Moore and Billy Kidman had a good match. I love the fact that when Shannon Moore enters, they play Matt Hardy's gimmick intro. I think it gives Moore a bit of personality, even if he borrows it from Matt. The match was nice, with the Shooting Star finish. I am glad we are allowed to take the Cruiserweight title seriously now, since it always gets on TV and the matches are always good.

Vince came, talked about Hogan and announced Hogan vs. The Rock at No Mercy. A fine interview, though Vince needs to limit his TV time, because this took up nearly 15 minutes.

Then, the Rock came on the screen, played a subtle heel and gave his catch phrases. This will be interesting, as Rock's future is up in the air as well. Many are saying that after Mania, he will leave the WWE for Hollywood full time. This is troublesome, but Vince may have to pony up real money to keep him around.

Rikishi and Bill DeMott had a match. I feel the same way about as I did the last three times.

The main event featured Edge and Benoit vs. Team Angle. Angle gave a great interview beforehand, talking like an evil Vince Lombardi. Putting two guys who aren't the most charismatic pair in the world with a guy who is amazing on the mic is the right thing, and they hold up their end in the ring.

Shelton was great, working the leg and telling a submission-based story with his clean style. Edge took a ton of punishment before tagging in Benoit, who looked great before getting nailed with Angle's title for the 1-2-3. Really good match, and the match next week between Los Guerreros and Team Angle will probably be even better.

The big problem was pacing, as a match would go quick, the interviews long. I'd rather see it reversed, but what am I to do? I imagine this will get a very good rating, since folks will want to see if Hogan comes on again, and the Rock will pop a number as well.

And best of all, Al Wilson is still dead.

News
Not a whole lot this week. The Observer is reporting that Matt Hardy is in the doghouse with most of the agents in the locker room. He has been rather vocal about some of the decisions made about his character, and that doesn't win him popularity contests. No word on the Torrie posing in Playboy story, and no further word on Goldberg. Austin's story in the Raw Magazine is supposed to be fantastic, and I'll do a little review on it next week.

In an unexpected piece of news, Scott Hall was not arrested for drunk and disorderly this past week.

FlashBack!
Roddy Piper released his book, In the Pit with Piper: Roddy Gets Rowdy , and that has done much to revive interest in the rowdy one. From appearances on the NWA TNA PPVs, to helping the relaunch of Portland wrestling, Piper is out and about again, after a couple of years of relative obscurity. The first thing I think about when I think of Piper is his WWF talk show from the mid-80s, Piper's Pit.

...all out of bubblegum...

Piper had been a wrestler of some fame starting in the 1970s. Born in Canada with the unfortunate moniker Roderick Toombs, Roddy got his name supposedly because he legitimately plays the bagpipes.

He bummed around Canada for the early part of the 70s, picking up TV matches where he could and basically doing nothing with his career. Piper was a small man, barely 200 pounds, and was not a top-notch star until the mid-70s when he arrived in the LA territory. In LA, he got mic time and got over with the fans, before moving on to Portland, where he became a bigger star since the wrestling magazines covered the shows there. He then moved to Florida, where he became one of the earliest heel announcers, teaming with Gordon Solie, and basically doing everything that Jesse Ventura would become famous for years later.

His last run before the WWF was with Jim Crockett promotions, where he feuded with Greg Valentine. Shortly after the famous Dog Collar Chain match at Starrcade 1983, Piper signed with Vince McMahon.

Piper wasn't as big as any of the top WWF stars, so giving him a chance to get over using his interview skills was essential. Piper immediately started Piper's Pit, a ground breaking heel talk show segment where he would berate the faces. In one of the earliest episodes, Piper had Eddie Gilbert on. Eddie had broken his neck, and Piper went on a rant, talking about how dangerous it was before hitting him. Eddie, a great talker in his own right, just sat there and took it. Piper seemed to be ready to explode the whole time, a trademark he would carry for the rest of his career.

At first, the Pit was used to just get Roddy over as a serious, albeit hilarious, star. HE had jobber Frankie Williams on one time, and went off for three minutes on how he had never won a match and would never amount to anything. He beat on Williams a little, ending with the classic line "Just when you think you have all the answers, I come along and change all the questions!" This made Piper look like the ultimate villain at the time, picking on a guy who couldn't stand up to him. He blasted various others, but the biggest moment, one that is still talked about today, happened when Jimmy Snuka was a guest.

Snuka came on, hoping to get a few words. Roddy snaps because it was his show and he'd do the talking. Pipe then got pineapple and delivers a line that made millions laugh, and then dream of revenge: "Women in the Fijian Islands are just like pineapples, hairy on the top and round on the bottom."

Snuka took more of Piper's jabs, and then asked why he was making fun of him, the first guest to really stand up to Roddy. This set Piper aflame, and he nailed Snuka in the head with a coconut. Snuka tried to make a comeback, but Piper ran off, slamming a door in Snuka's face.

This was revolutionary in 1984. The Piper/Snuka feud was on, even though Snuka got fired less than halfway through it. The comments, which many Pacific Islander groups called "Extremely Offensive and disrespectful", made him the biggest bad guy in the WWF, and earned him the respect of the hard core East Coast fans who loved nothing more than the heel who makes them laugh. All of this showed that Piper was ready for a feud with Hogan, the cock of the walk at the time.

The feud started before all the hype, with matches throughout the end of 1984, but then Cindy Lauper appeared on the Pit with Capt. Lou Albano, and of course, a brawl ensued as the Captain insisted he wrote her songs. The feud turned full bore and Mr. T was introduced, leading to several classic Pits where Piper and T went at it. Hogan never got the clear win over Piper in all the matches they did, which still makes Hogan bitter to this day.

Piper turned, as he was getting a face response in most Eastern cities, and the Pit started to feature Piper bringing on the Bad Guys to give them what for. He would regularly bring Hogan on as well, and it was on Piper's Pit that the first hint of the Andre/Hogan feud popped up. The classic moment, where Jesse "The Body" Ventura brought out Andre and introduced Bobby "The Brain" Heenan as his new manager before Andre ripped off Hogan's cross, was on the Pit. I can remember the next PP where Hogan accepted Andre's challenge for a match at Wrestlemania 3.

At the same time, Piper was looking to do more movies, and he wanted one last feud so he could go out on top. Adorable Adrian Adonis was chosen and the feud started on the Pit. Adonis had his own Interview segment called the Flower Shop, and Piper took offense and came to the Flower Shop and broke the set apart with a baseball bat. The feud continued and the end came at Wrestlemania 3, where Piper used the Sleeper to get the pin and cut off The Adorable One's dyed-golden locks.

Piper did movies, and came back occasionally, including doing a Pit from a Wrestlemania where he doused talk show host Morton Downey Jr. with a fire extinguisher. Piper came back to WCW in the late 90s, and there was talk about bringing back Piper's Pit, but some say that Hogan nixed the idea.

The Pit was the standard for all these segments, and continues to be the best of all of them. If you can get your hands on old tapes, they are well worth it, as Piper was a maniac and a genius.

That's all for Falls Count Anywhere this week. Next Week: news, reviews, opinions, and a look at the forgotten divas of the 1980s, from Baby Doll and Dark Journey, to Rockin' Robin and Sherri Martel.

Chris Garcia