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Someone
please pass the Fry's ad...
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Chair Shots
12-17-02
Armageddon
Recap
What you are about to read are the real time events that occurred
on Sunday December 15th between the hours of 5-8pm pacific
standard time. As is tradition, Fanboy Planet columnist Sarah
Stanek ordered the WWE Armageddon. The other guests included
Jordan Rosa, Erik, myself and the man we simply call Joker.
Christian
& Chris Jericho vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Storm & Regal vs.
Booker T & Goldust
I arrive just as the PPV starts. Sarah offers me a beverage
and says they are thinking of ordering a pizza. Jordan recognizes
an Una Mas bag in my hand. I sit down on the couch (my usual
papa-san chair is missing, I notice) and consume my burritos.
Jordan and I discuss Shinobi, which he provided voice work
for. Booker T & Goldust win the tag belts, which is what I
would have predicted had I actually written a Chairshots on
Friday.
Edge
vs. A-Train
Jordan and I discuss the recent rash of silly name changes
in the WWE. Jordan recalls some classic old WWE names like
Junk Yard Dog, Big Boss Man and Koko B. Ware. We all agree
that A-Train is not a nickname anyone would have in reality.
At some point A-Train uses a chair to cause the DQ. I would
have predicted he used the chair for the win, so I'm mentally
1 for 2. Joker and Sarah discuss the possibility of ordering
a pizza. Erik left because he's not a wrestling fan and I
don't fault him for that.
Eddie
Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit
Film School Chris, his actual nickname, arrives with the Sunday
paper. Jordan goes for comics, while the rest of us fight
over ads. About halfway through the match I notice that I'm
the only one watching. When I mention to Jordan that Guerrero
vs. Benoit is a classic match up between two of the top wrestlers
alive today, he reminds me that I've seen this match many
times on Nitro, Thunder, Raw and Smackdown. I begin searching
for the Fry's Electronics ad. Sarah says she is not hungry
and if the other 3 boys want to eat, they will have to order
the pizza on their own. Jordan, Chris and Joker all look lost.
I commented that left on their own to order food, Jordan,
Chris and Joker would all starve to death. Benoit won, which
I would have predicted.
Dawn
Marie Shows Soft, Soft, Soft, Soft Core Porn
No one really paid much attention to this segment as we were
all busy searching the paper for pizza coupons. Sarah talked
briefly about her Smallville reviews and explained to us what
a "Clex" was. This really killed the excitement of seeing
two chicks making out.
Kane
v. Batista
Time seemed to pass very slowly during this segment. Sarah
repeatedly shouted the pizza place's phone number from the
kitchen while Joker tried to dial. Jordan had also memorized
the phone number but memorized it incorrectly. There was much
confusion when Joker asked to have the number repeated and
both Joker and Sarah responded. I think Batista won, which
makes sense.
John
Cena and "Bling Bling" Buchanan (wouldn't he be known as B3
then?) came out and kicked the raps old school. I believe
the pizza was ordered at this point because there were people
running around searching for a credit card.
Victoria
v. Trish Stratus v. Jackie
Jordan and I discuss Victoria's outfit. I confirm that a pizza
was ordered. Victoria won the match which no one cared about.
Jordan said he thought Victoria was hot. I silently disagreed.
Joker broached the idea of us all having a bukkakke. Jordan,
Joker, Chris and I all agreed it was a good idea. Sarah said
she refused.
The Big
Show v. Kurt Angle
Sarah began boiling potatoes for some reason that made sense
at the time but now escapes me. I realized that Fry's Electronics
closed at 8pm and if I wanted to make it there before they
closed, I'd have to leave early and miss the main event. Jordan,
Joker and Chris all began to wonder when the pizza would arrive.
By my calculations only 10 minutes had passed but I said nothing.
Shawn
Michaels v. HHH.
As I departed, a feverish discussion was taking place about
what time the pizza was ordered. I said my goodbyes and promised
to return for Royal Rumble. As of 12:53pm today, I do not
know if that pizza was ever delivered.
Draw
whatever conclusions you want about the quality and entertainment
value of WWE Armageddon.
Raw
Thoughts
Fresh off a lack luster PPV, Raw returns with a mixed bag
of storylines.
I like
the idea of two top level wrestlers (Triple H and Steiner)
competing over the main event time slot on the show. It's
never been done before, that I can recall, and it had a nice
slow build. The concept reinforces that Raw is a show and
everyone has to earn their spot. Unfortunately, the payoff
was two guys standing around talking about how bad ass they
are. Actions speak louder than words. They could have at least
headbutted each other and then have security separate them.
I also
really enjoyed Triple H's threat to Eric Bischoff that he
will "pull a Steve Austin" and walk out if his demands are
not met. It was both a nice insiders' dig at Austin and adds
heat to Triple H when Austin returns.
At the
Survivor Series, Rob Van Dam wrestled in the main event. At
Armegeddon, he hosted the PPV from The World. I defy anyone
to tell me that Rob Van Dam is getting a main event push.
Last night he teamed up with Kane in a handicap match vs.
Three Minute Warning & Batista. At least he got the win.
D-Lo
Brown lost his match to Jeff Hardy but the replay showed his
foot was on the rope. When the referee tried to apologize
after the match, D-Lo played the race card.
Why, oh
why, do wrestling writers think this is a good idea? Every
wrestling company eventually does an angle like this and IT
NEVER WORKS. Are we as fans supposed to boo D-Lo because he's
racist or is he a baby face because he's fighting against
The Man? This may have gotten O.J. off, but it won't get D-Lo
over.
All of
the rest of the matches were either dull or ended in a way
that pleased no one. On the other hand, there were at least
good things to watch this week.
Angle
To Miss Smackdown
Only four days after winning the Smackdown World Title, Kurt
Angle is set to undergo knee surgery on Thursday. Angle is
expected to film something for tonight's Smackdown taping
and then return the following week.
NWA
Interested in Sting and Foley
Sting, who recently came out of semi-retirement to wrestle
for WWA, has been approached by NWA to work a few dates. As
of yet, nothing has been worked out, but it's interesting.
Sting
has long said that due to his religious beliefs, he does not
feel comfortable joining the WWE. I see no real difference
in the moral quality between NWA and WWE, but maybe Sting
will.
Another
person approached by NWA is Mick Foley. Foley could work for
NWA now that his WWE contract has expired, but I personally
doubt he will. Mick has always been a loyal WWE personality
and I'm sure he'd want to return there someday when things
are looking brighter.
Chairshots
Mailbag
Letter #1:
Some advice for you Goodson:
Knock
off the pro-Lesnar talk. If the Big Show is a lame duck champion
then Brock Lesnar is a lame lame champion. The best angle
they should use for Brock Lesnar right now is to have him
fired from both Raw and Smackdown. Have him come back to WWE
on three Tough Enough shows not as a trainer but as a contestant.
In Tough Enough they can develop his character and in the
process get over with the fans. If not, I hope NWA-TNA snatches
him up so I don't have to see him in WWE again.
Can the
pro-HLA talk. It is not good TV and it never will be. If this
is your kind of thinking, you're just as bad, if not worse,
than the idiot that wrote the Katie Vick angle for Triple
H and Kane. As far as I am concerned HLA stands for to Hell
with Lesbian Action.
If you
can't follow this advice, then quit writing for fanboyplanet.com
and get paid for your "creative genius". Become a Hollywood
writer for these current TV shows. After WWE tops the charts
again, apply for a writer's position so you can destroy the
WWE once and for all.
Response
#1:
Well at least you didn't debate me that Big Show is/was
a lame duck champion. I like Brock Lesnar, so sue me. He's
not the same old wrestler that WWE has been trying to push
down my throat for two years (coughHHHcough). He cuts good
promos, can go in the ring and doesn't bore me nine out
of ten times. Sure, I'd rather have Kurt Angle as Champion
but this is Lesnar's rookie year. He's only going to get
better. Since WWE has a history of pushing large muscular
men to the world title, Lesnar is the future of WWE, not
guys like RVD and Eddie Guerrero.
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It's
really Derek's fault this sort of pathetic pandering
keeps showing up in this column.
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Lesbians are like capers. If you use them correctly, they
are quite delicious. If you just throw them into every dish
then you spoil the meal. Until Sunday, the Torrie Wilson
vs. Dawn Marie feud was one of the best written feuds going
on Smackdown. It had long term build up and several levels
of payoff. I'll grant you that once WWE had Dawn go lesbian
on Torrie that the whole thing just got ridiculous. Maybe
you should go read a few more Chairshots before blasting
me for whatever you read. I've been critical of HLA since
Bischoff first debuted it.
Oh, how I dream of quitting Fanboyplanet.com and using my
"creative genius" in Hollywood. It is my dream job to be
the head writer for The King of Queens. You just know that
the guy that has that job is getting all the sweet poon
he can handle.
Letter
#2:
are
you sure about triple h noot having any good matches he
just does what he has to, to stay on top when you have that
desire you will do that. With all of that said it is just
a story line how do you think you can rant on something
you don't have a clue about.
Response
#2:
School is for pussies.
Donating 4 hours of my time each week gives me the right
to rant about wrestling. Being the Wrestling Editor for
this site gives me the right to publish that rant. Everything
in wrestling is just a storyline, but most of what the WWE
is pushing are just bad storylines.
How did the Katie Vick Angle help Kane? He lost to Triple
H at the climax of their feud and lost to Batista on Sunday's
PPV. How did it help Triple H's career? He immediately moved
on to his feud with Shawn Michaels as if it had never happened.
End result: My time as a viewer was wasted with an offensive
at worst, pointless at best storyline.
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#3:
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Response
#3:
Do you take Discover card?
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