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"I have a gorgeous summer squash butt"

Chairshots
11/16/01

Smackdown Thoughts
Smackdown is the show that Raw should have been. The matches helped add heat to the pay per view this weekend. Rather than just being entertaining, which Raw was, it was entertaining with a purpose.

Of course the only thing anyone is really talking about is Paul Heyman's shoot/work promo on Vince McMahon (you can read the unedited transcript here in case you missed it.) No doubt it was a classic. It showed the emotion and anger Heyman has for McMahon and made the Alliance's attempt at putting an end to the WWF this Sunday seem all that more necessary.

But is it too late? Rather than building up the pay per view on Monday night, they waited until Thursday. What about all those WWF fans that watch Survivor or Friends? Heck, ABC even got their act together last night (after I mocked them last week) and put on the Victoria's Secret fashion show. I know I watched Smackdown last night, but I'm married and have no sex drive. I've sure there were a whole gaggle of young men that watched that show rather than Smackdown. As interesting as this Sunday's pay per view may be, I hope the WWF is ready for some bad news when the buy rate information comes out.

Torrie, Please Show Me Your Butt
Torrie Wilson and Diamond Dallas Page were on Howard Stern Thursday morning selling Survivor Series and to present Stern with an X-Box. Torrie announced that she got engaged to Billy Kidman on Tuesday, and the Stern gang begged and begged and begged her to take off her pants. She wouldn't do it, but she did bend over so they could see her crack in a thong. Torrie did tell Howard that he could kiss her stomach, but it didn't sound like he actually did it. (It followed Howard getting the results of his testosterone level test -- he's extremely high; Torrie countered that that meant sex with him would probably be over very quickly.)

They turned their attention to DDP, who annoyed Torrie a little bit by joining in with the gang on begging her to take her pants off (wouldn't you?) When asked if he ever got women like Torrie, DDP said he had his own, Kimberly. Howard brought a picture up on the Internet, congratulated DDP on her "nice melons," and DDP answered that yes, plus she has a "gorgeous punkin butt." That set everyone off on jokes about carving that pumpkin, and Artie Lange did a pretty good impression of DDP in a sexual frenzy. It was far more graphic than Artie just saying "Bang!" over and over again.

XWF Revealed
The new wrestling federation, XWF, had their first television taping Tuesday and Wednesday. They now have 14 hours of usable television to showcase to various networks to try and get a TV deal. Here are the results of those tapings.

First Set of Tapings
(1) Demon beat Barry Horowitz.
(2) Jimmy Snuka Jr. (w/Jimmy Snuka Sr.) beat Sarge (a/k/a Buddy Lee Parker).
(3) Vito beat Kevin Northcutt.
(4) The Harris Twins beat The Kingpins (who wore bowling shoes).
(5) Josh Matthews (from Tough Enough) beat A.J. Styles (very good match).
(6) Carlie Colon beat Fidel Sierra.
(7) Konnan beat Vino DeNucci.
Second Set of Tapings
(1) The Wall beat Mr. Jones (a/k/a Virgil). Wall has a totally new look, showing off a ripped physique, tattoos, and a new haircut.
(2) Norman Smiley beat Knuckles.
(3) Dresdan (a/k/a Cyborg) beat Barry Horowitz.
(4) South Philly Posse (a/k/a Public Enemy, Flyboy Rocco Rock & Johnny Grunge) beat Power Company. Grunge is huge, like 400 pounds huge.
(5) Vapor (w/Sonny Onoo) beat Lex Lovett.
(6) Ray Gonzales beat Kevin Northcutt.
(7) Bug 2 Fuly beat Mean Mike.
(8) Greg Valentine beat Jack Damien
Third Set of Tapings (This appeared to actually be the first official hour.)
Tony Schiavone and Jerry Lawler came out and introduced the program. Gene Okerlund introduced Rena Mero (Sable) as the XWF Commissioner. Okerlund then introduced Roddy Piper as the XWF Commissioner. I guess they are feuding.
(1) Buff Bagwell beat Big Vito with the Blockbuster. Fans chanted, "You got fired!" at Bagwell. He played into the taunting.
(2) Maximum Force (w/Dawn Marie) beat Caged Heat (Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger w/Dawn Marie).
-Okerlund announced Roddy Piper had signed a Cruiserweight Battle Royal. (3) British Storm (a/k/a Ian Harrison, who is Goldberg-like) beat Horace.
(4) Hale (w/Jimmy Hart) beat Marty Jannetty.
(5) Kid Kash eliminated Christopher Daniels to win a Cruiserweight Battle Royal. A.J. Styles and Prince Iaukea were among the eight in the match. After winning the match, Styles greeted Josh, playing up their alliance.
(6) The Nasty Boys beat The Shane Twins. When the Nastys kept beating on the Shane Twins, the LOD made the save.
(7) Vampiro beat Curt Hennig (w/Bobby Heenan). Heenan tried to give Hennig brass knuckles, but Piper intervened and knocked out Hennig.
Fourth Set of Tapings
(1) Konnan & Rey Gonzales beat Juventud Guerrera & Psicosis.
-Okerlund interviewed Reno Mero, Piper, and Vampiro.
-Jerry Lawler got into a brawl with Simon and Swinger leading to an impromptu two-on-one match. Swinger and Simon accidentally hit each other, and Lawler ended up giving Simon a piledriver and scoring a pin.
(2) Hale (w/Jimmy Hart) beat Knuckles.
(3) Johnny B. Badd beat Norman Smiley via knockout.
(4) Shane Twins fought LOD to a DDQ when the Nastys interfered.
(5) Curt Hennig (w/Heenan) beat Buff Bagwell when Heenan distracted Bagwell, and Hennig nailed Buff with the PerfectPlex for the pin.
Fifth Set of Tapings
(1) Dresden beat Marty Jannetty.
(2) Josh Matthews beat Horace. Josh got a great crowd response.
(3) Shane Twins beat South Philly Posse after which the LOD and Nastys got involved. The Snukas gave a promo. Piper got in Snuka's face and seemed to turn heel.
(4) Kid Kash beat A.J. Styles to retain the Cruiserweight Title.
(5) Jimmy Snuka Jr. (w/Snuka Sr.) beat Vapor (w/Onoo) after a double Snuka splash by both father and son.
(6) British Storm& Hennig (w/Heenan) beat Bagwell & Vampiro after Heenan interfered. Heenan was active at ringside in his return to managing. After the match Buff blamed Vampiro for losing and they got into a shoving match.
First and Second Hour of Tapings: Day Two
Because of technical problems, the first hour of tapings was delayed by more than an hour and combined with the scheduled second hour of tapings. After the first set of matches was completely, they moved the fans around so that it didn't look as if the shows were taped back-to-back.
(1) Christopher Daniels beat A.J. Styles
(2) Vampiro beat Tough Tom.
(3) South Philly Posse beat Power Company.
(4) Norman Smiley beat Vapor (w/Sonny Onoo).
(5) The Wall beat Jake Damien.
(6) Lenny Lane beat Mike Sullivan. Lane has shifted from his Single White Female inspired impersonation of Chris Jericho to a SWF inspired impersonation of Shawn Michaels, including long white tights with hearts.
(7) Vito beat Mean Mike.
(8) Johnny B. Badd beat Mr. Jones.
(9) Kick beat Lex Lovett.
(10) Greg Valentine beat Marty Jannetty.
(11) Devon Storm beat Keith Northcutt.
(12) Juventud Guerrera beat Kid Kash to capture the XWF Cruiserweight Title.
Third Hour of Tapings
(1) Maximum Force (Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger, w/Dawn Marie) beat Caged Heat.
(2) Dresden beat Billy Give.
(3) Jimmy Snuka Jr. (w/Snuka Sr.) beat Vapor. This was apparently a retape of yesterday match since it also included a double-splash by both Snukas. However, Snuka Sr. fell off the top rope at first this time.
-Roddy Piper interviewed Jerry Lawler, who has replaced The Kat with a new valet, a tall woman named Kitten. Simon Diamond, Swinger, and Marie came out and complained about Lawler insulting Marie during commentary. They attacked Lawler. Piper made the save, so Piper appears to be a babyface in this segment after hinting at being a heel at yesterday's tapings.
(4) Christopher Daniels & Prince Iaukea beat Josh Matthews & Kid Kash.
-Okerlund interviewed Bobby Heenan. Heenan said he is a manager, he is an agent (as if there's a difference). Okerlund played up the famous "Weasel" taunting of Okerlund that they've been doing since the late '70s.
(5) Hacksaw Duggan beat Knuckles.
Fourth Hour of Tapings: Day Two
(1) Hulk Hogan beat Curt Hennig (w/Heenan) in about eight minutes. It was a typical Hogan match with the superman comeback, big boot, and legdrop. Hogan hit Heenan during the match and Heenan actually took a bump, although because of his neck problems it was a toned down bump compared to the bumps he took for Hogan nearly 20 years earlier in the AWA where their feud began.
-Okerlund interviewed Hogan after the match. Hogan spewed his usual cliches. -Okerlund interviewed Rena Mero and Roddy Piper. Horace Hogan interrupted. He said he has been on a losing streak and wanted to redeem himself. He asked Piper to find the biggest, ugliest wrestler in the back for him to fight. Piper jokingly wondered why he wanted to wrestle his uncle, Hulk Hogan.
(2) The Wall beat Mike Sullivan.
(3) Hacksaw Duggan beat Barry Horowitz. After the match, Dresden came out to staredown Duggan, but the crowd's chants of "USA, USA" caused him to flee.
(4) Curt Hennig beat Johnny B. Badd after using brass knuckles.
Okerlund interviewed Bagwell. Bagwell said Vampiro hit him by accident and cost him the match. Vampiro came out. Buff attacked him and officials had to separate them.
(5) Hale squashed Horace Hogan.
(6) The Nasty Boys beat The Shane Twins in a four-way tag match for the XWF Tag Team Titles in a four-way match also including The South Philly Posse (Public Enemy) and The Legion of Doom. One of the Nastys had a Shane Twin pinned at the same time as the other Shane Twin had a Nasty pinned. Two refs made simultaneous counts. Piper came out and raised the hands of the babyface Shane Twins. Rena Mero came out and raised the hand of the heel Nastys. Sable had the authority to overrule Piper.
Fifth Hour of Tapings:Day Two
Okerlund interviewed Piper and Mero regarding the controversial finish to "last week's show." They talked about going to instant replay.
(1) Hacksaw Duggan beat Fidel Sierra with the two-by-four.
(2) Jimmy Snuka Jr. won a match.
(3) The Shane Twins beat The Harris Brothers after the LOD and South Philly Posse interfered. The Nasty Boys bragged on the video wall about being champs. All four teams ran to the back to find them.
(4) Demon beat Devon Storm.
(5) Caged Heat & their valet beat Maximum Force (Diamond & Swinger) & Dawn Marie.
(6) Vampiro beat Buff Bagwell. Hennig attempted to interfere, but Piper smashed him with a chair.
(7) The Nastys beat The Shane Twins in a retaping of the previous hours match which included the same double pin finish, so it will probably air in place of the original match.

D-Lo Brown Speaks
D-Lo Brown was a guest on Chairshots Radio (no relation) on November 8th. Here are some of the highlights of the interview.

D-Lo is currently working for HWA and OVW in the WWF developmental territories in Cincinnati and Louisville.

Brown said he spent the entire summer in Puerto Rico for Savio Vega's developmental territory.

D-Lo said he worked again Mark Henry last night in OVW and they are working the old "You're fat" angle from the WWF. Chaz, former member of The Headbangers will not have his contract renewed when his contract expires in January according to D-Lo.

Brown said he was told he would be brought back up as soon as the writers come up with something for him and it could be as soon as January or WrestleMania.

He has lost 40 pounds since we last saw him in the WWF and he is ready to go.

Brown said he has been assured that he will not be part of the roster cuts by the WWF.

Brown said that he traveled with The Rock in his first few years with the WWF and he said that The Rock had this charisma about him in and out of the ring where you knew that if he got the right gimmick then he could be a big star.

D-Lo said Mark Henry is doing great and lost about 90 pounds and is down to 320 pounds. D-Lo also said that Mark is moving around well in the ring and is charismatic as ever and is hungry to get back.

D-Lo said working for Vince McMahon is awesome because he demands perfection from everybody, including himself. D-Lo said Vince is all business, but is a cool guy too. D-Lo said that Vince broke the ice with him by coming up to him and saying, "Oh, are you too stuck up to talk to me?"

Lawler Rumors
Rumors are swirling that Jerry The King Lawler will be returning to the WWF on Monday. 1Wrestling published the rumor as a spoiler despite Lawler himself stating, "there is no truth to that whatsoever. I do have a deal with the XWF, though." Lawler has said that he has faith in the XWF's ability to become a viable promotion and that he enjoys doing commentary for them. One source even said that Lawler faxed a signed XWF contract to them after getting back from his recent Australia tour. The contract length is only 40-45 days, but gives XWF rights to television exclusivity during that time. However, Lawler would still love to return to the World Wrestling Federation. So, are Lawler and Co. lying to us so as not to ruin the surprise of his appearance on Raw? Or are we all just wrestling marks grasping at straws? I'll say the latter but we'll find out together on Monday.

Ric Flair Rumors
The WWF has been negotiating with Ric Flair for a return to action. WWF officials are trying to work out a deal to buy out the remaining time on Flair's AOL/Time Warner contract. Although there is no guarantee the deal will be happen, it is possible that Flair could appear on WWF television as soon as Monday night. Coincidence that Raw is live from Charlotte, North Carolina this Monday? Yeah, probably.

Vince Holds Court
Vince McMahon had a meeting at Titan Towers this week with the office staff. Vince addressed concerns from the staff and said that he too wasn't happy with the recent direction of the WWF product and said that things would be changing, and already in fact already are. Big things are planned for next week's TV and that, obviously, the direction of the company would be changing. Maybe all those rumors about Flair and Lawler returning on Monday are true.

Survivor Series Predictions
William Regal vs. Tajiri
When Tajiri first came to Commissioner William Regal and asked him for a job, Regal was a heel. He took the young wrestler under his wing and treated him like a servant. As a long time wrestling fan, it all seemed very much like the way The Million Dollar Man: Ted Dibiase treated his servant Virgil. As in that feud classic feud, I eagerly awaited the moment Regal got his comeuppance. However, the road to that feud got sidetracked by the Invasion and now that both men are once again on different sides, the WWF writers have done almost nothing to rekindle the fanboy in me that wants to see this feud come to a head. Instead the two were thrown together in this filler match. What a shame. Both men are excellent wrestlers and should have a watchable match. Regal won on Smackdown so Tajiri will win on Sunday to finally put Regal in his place.

Ivory vs. Molly vs. Trish vs. Lita vs. Jackie vs. a Mystery Opponent for the vacant Women's Championship (that wwfsuperstars.com still says is held by Chyna!)
Anyone holding out for Chyna to be the mystery opponent is sadly mistaken. She's gone. She's done for. She's in Sable/Sunny-land. More than likely the mystery opponent is Jazz who signed with the WWF a while back. After training in the WWF developmental federation, she's recently been added to house shows and is probably ready to debut. I doubt she'll win the title her first night out, so I'll go with my favorite out of the group and say that Ivory walks out the champ. Then again if the surprise guest turns out to be Ric Flair, all bets are off.

Immunity Battle Royal
Again, rather than build interesting feuds that lead to quality matches on a pay per view, the WWF has thrown a bunch of wrestlers in to a battle royal. The winner is guaranteed a job for at least one year regardless of which company wins the main event match. Contestants are: DDP, Bradshaw, Faarooq, Tazz, Hurricane, Spike Dudley, Scotty 2 Hotty, Albert, Lance Storm, Crash, Funaki, Billy Gunn, Chuck Palumbo, Raven, Billy Kidman, Shawn Stasiak, Steven Richards, Justin Credible, Tommy Dreamer, Hugh Morrus and Chavo Guerrero. Excuse me, but weren't Hugh Morrus and Chavo Guerrero fired on Monday night by Stephanie? Shame on me for trying to make sense of this whole thing.

Of the remaining wrestlers, only DDP, Hurricane and the APA appear on WWF television regularly. DDP should win just cause he really hasn't done anything since he got his new gimmick to peak the fans interest. Sure he sucks, but he's earned his chance in the spotlight. Ponder this: If someone on team WWF wins and then the WWF wins in the main event, doesn't that make this match pointless in retrospect? Is the WWF tipping their hands as to the outcome of the main event by having a winner in this match?

Hardy Boyz vs. Dudley Boyz (WWF Tag Titles/WCW Tag Titles Unification, Steel Cage Match)
They added stipulations to Survivor Series that say that the winners of the unified belts get to keep their jobs regardless of the new management. Nice job raising the stakes. It's possible that WCW wrestlers could win all the belts on Sunday, but the WWF wins the main event thus minimizing the impact when the WWF "fires" all the Alliance members. Anyway, Dudleys vs. Hardys has been done to death. Expect a flashy match with Jeff Hardy nearly killing himself. Dudleys win when Matt Hardy does something to cost them the match, thus furthering the Hardy break up.

Edge vs. Test (WCW US Title/WWF IC Title Unification Match)
Hey, Christian isn't on the PPV anywhere! Edge is in the middle of a push and Test needs one. Edge has been getting and dropping championship belts like a starving man does with a freshly micro waved Hot Pocket. If Christian interferes and costs Edge the match, then they can continue their feud down the line and Test gets a push. I'll go with that scenario.

Team WWF (Rock, Chris Jericho, Undertaker, Kane, and Big Show) vs. Team Alliance (Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, Rob Van Dam, Booker T, and Shane McMahon)
Three reasons why the Alliance will NOT win Sunday:
1. The WWF has already set up a post Alliance feud with Rock vs. Jericho. If the Alliance won, they wouldn't have any feuds on deck to entertain the fans on Monday.
2. If the Alliance loses on Sunday, then on Monday we can have some Alliance members come groveling for jobs. Only heels and Derek McCaw grovel (yeah, but I get cool stuff out of it. - Derek). If the Alliance wins, then the possibility of that storyline happening is shot.
3. The WWF knows the Alliance "invasion" is dead in the water as storylines go and they want to move on. If the Alliance wins, then this whole thing just drags out for another month when the WWF has to invade Alliance television.
4. There is no chance in hell that Vince McMahon is going to let anyone, even in jest say that the WWF was put out of business. It's a matter of pride for McMahon and it always will be. He will make necessary changes to WWF television to gain back fan interest, but he will never let the WCW/ECW Alliance win.

However, this is not to say that the main event this Sunday will be dull and predictable. The writers have done a good job making us not know who is going to jump sides. Will Jericho jump to the Alliance to spite The Rock. Is Kurt Angle really on team Alliance or is he a spy? Was Vince McMahon telling the truth when he said Steve Austin would turn on the Alliance this Sunday or was it just a mind game?

I think the biggest question that I have yet to see anyone ask is how will HHH be involved? HHH's face has been spotted on promotional banners for the December pay per view. Will he return on Sunday and help Vince put an end to this invasion or will he join his wife Stephanie on the dark side? HHH and possible heel turns are what make this on of the most interesting WWF main pay per view main events in a long time. I've already told you why the WWF will win, but I don't know how. Frankly, that he me stoked.

That's it for today. If you were expecting Book It this week, you'll have to wait for next Friday. I won't do Book It the Friday before a pay per view just because there is so much else to cover. I'll be back on Monday with a special Fantasy Booking of SummerSlam and then again on Tuesday with post pay per view and Raw thoughts as well as news bites. Join me then and enjoy SummerSlam.