Editing this column almost made Derek vomit

Chair Shots

10-22-02

Get the "F" Off My TV
Anyone that knows me knows that I am rarely at a loss for words, but I'll be damned if the WWE hasn't stumped me. I'll be honest and say that I thought about not doing a column today based on what happened on Raw last night. Yet here I am, out of some sense of obligation to you loyal readers, to mull over what we witnessed. But seriously, if you never clicked on the "wrestling" link on this site again, I wouldn't hold it against you.

In case you missed Raw last night, here is what happened: Triple H promised to show everyone videotape proof that Kane raped Katie Vick's corpse. I can't say that I was surprised since I figured that due to the nature of wrestling, some 10 year old evidence was bound to turn up in Triple H's hands at some point. Thankfully they spared us the GTV logo.

After much hoopla and several dull matches they finally showed the tape. What aired was Kane (clearly Triple H in a Kane mask) visiting a funeral home in 1992.

Alone, he talks to Katie. "Hello, Katie. God...you look so good. Katie, you might look better dead than you did alive. You know, Katie, it didn't have to be like this. You didn't have to die. If you'd have just given me what I wanted. If you'd have just let me touch you, Katie, in that car. If you'd have just let me touch your beautiful breasts, then I wouldn't have swerved and gone off the road and you would still be alive. Yes you would. You would still be alive and it's your fault. That's right. That's right, it is your fault, and you know it, cause I loved you, Katie and you, you didn't love me when you were alive, because I was some burnt up freak.

"What's that? Really? Now that you're...you're dead, you want me? I want you too, Katie. I've always wanted you, Katie. Look at you. I want you more than ever now, in your cheerleader uniform. I used to watch you bounce up and down. Your panties would show. You know if you want me and I want you then there's no reason that we shouldn't be together."

The picture pixellated as he grabbed her breasts (a first for WWE TV.) "Ohhhhh yeah. You like that, huh. Shhhhhhh. Don't be too loud. Your parents are next door, Katie. The other hand too? Ohhhh yeah. That's good. You know, Katie...you feel kinda stiff. Speaking of stiff maybe, maybe I should do what I've always wanted to do. You want me to?"

He removes his shirt. "Yeah, Katie, I thought you would, I thought you'd never ask, but I understand now you can't resist me. Maybe you should take off some clothes too, Katie. I mean, maybe I should."

He removes her bra. "This'll help. I bet it feels good to have them free, doesn't-- ohhh yes it certainly does. You know, Katie these panties that I always saw under your skirt, you won't need these."

He smells them and the crowd vomits. "Ohhhh, I love the smell of formaldehyde in the morning. Katie, I'm gonna give you what you want. And I'm gonna take what I always wanted. What's that? Oh, I'm going to. Yeah. I'm gonna give you what you always wanted, Kaite, tell me how bad you want it."

Triple Kane climbs into the coffin, drops his pants and does the kind of things heretofore unseen on any wrestling show ever. "Oh, oh, oh, Katie, oh, who's your daddy, Katie, huh? That's it. Who's your daddy? OH! I hope that was as good for you as it was for me. What's that? I did? You're kidding me. I really did? I did? Oh my God. I did. I really did it! I really did." Triple Kane pulls something that looks like entrails out of the coffin. (wait for it…..) I screwed your brains out!" Then he throws them at the camera lens.

This is immediately followed by me turning off the television and seriously rethinking ever writing this column again.

Making no apologies, WWE Executive Producer Kevin Dunn stated that numerous warnings to WWE viewers about sensitive subject matter did air prior to the segment. The show is also rated TV-14. "While the subject matter is sensitive, on balance this was an attempt at dark humor capitalizing on the popularity of programs such as CSI, Six Feet Under, and X-Files." I watch all of those shows and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have never seen a man hump a corpse.

Dark humor is a very subtle art and wrestling is about as subtle as a chair over the back of the head. Those shows are all well written and masterfully acted. Triple H isn't going to get an Emmy nod this year for his portrayal of Kane, the mask-wearing necrophiliac.

Everytime I think about it, I remember Vince McMahon's interview segment on Beyond the Mat where he says, "You know what we do? We make movies." This is followed by that cocky McMahon grin and a hearty swig of water. Today, I want to punch that guy in the face and tell him he makes shitty movies.

Clearly this segment was an attempt to garner publicity because NO ONE was happy with the results other than the McMahons. Rumors are that the backstage wrestlers are all freaked out by it and longtime fans are also giving it the Stone Cold salute. I'd pay money to see Vince McMahon justify this blunder to Bob Costas.

Where is the line for the WWE? If Kane can be a necrophile, why can't Raven be a child molester? Why not bring back Tiger Ali Singh as a terrorist that threatens to use box cutters on his opponents? Hey, if Christopher Nowinski wants to nail Molly Holly so badly, why doesn't he just rape her? Devote an entire episode of Raw to The Undertaker digging up Owen Hart's body and challenging it to an Inferno match. How about a WWE Confidential that takes a look back and reveals that Junkyard Dog was actually a white man in black face? I think the next big thing for the WWE will be Steven Richards joining the KKK and leaving burning crosses on D-Von's lawn.

Maybe I've finally discovered the key to becoming a WWE writer. Write nothing but pure shit and market it as controversial.

Wrestling has had its share of tasteless moments. It wasn't too long ago that Big Boss Man hitched Big Show's Dad's coffin to the back of a hearse and drove it off. Speaking of Bossman, he once killed Al Snow's dog Pepper and fed it to him. Jake the Snake's snake Dameion was once crushed by Yokozuna. Eric Bischoff's "Hot Lesbian Action" isn't even two months old.

What the WWE failed to learn from those is that A) they were all jeered by fans and that B) they still hadn't made that transition from being silly to being radically disgusting.

You know who comes off looking great from this scenario? Mick Foley, The Rock and Steve Austin. They all knew when to pack their bags and head for retirement.

You know who comes off looking like a dope? Triple H. The guy is dating the boss' daughter and is supposed to have more backstage pull than the entire WWE locker room combined. Yet he doesn't have the smarts to realize that this angle is going to tarnish his career more than wrestling the Godwins in slop bucket matches did.

And it's not like we needed to see this because it was key to the Kane vs. Triple H feud. They fought the night before at the PPV and Triple H won! Feud over. Go home. Why show it now? It wasn't funny, entertaining nor did it have any bearing on current storylines.

So, where are we now? I want more than anything to not watch Raw for the next few weeks, but I don't really have a choice. Maybe you loyal viewers can boycott it for me and I'll just give you the scoop if anything worthwhile happens. I'll tell you now though, if I have to sit through another one of these segments, I'm going to start writing thoughts on Monday Night Football.

Michael Goodson