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Chair Shots
10-16-02
Raw Thoughts
It would be easy of me to focus on the bad aspects of Monday
Night Raw this week. There were so many technical errors that
I thought I was watching Nitro. The matches were so boring
I thought I was watching WCW Thunder and the storylines were
so ludicrous that I thought I was watching Passions. However,
I rarely do things the easy way, and that is why I proudly
present my list of The Top Ten Great Things About Monday Night
Raw.
#10. Thanks to the new "Kane
murder" angle, kids 14 and younger will get to learn new
words like "rapist" and "necrophilia."
#9. Instead of fans paying $34.95
this Sunday to see the title rematch between RVD and Triple
H, Raw gave the match away for free and saved us 30 dollars
by booking RVD vs. Flair for No Mercy. Combine that with the
Kane vs. Triple H feud and you, my friend, are now $34.95
richer.
#8. Eric Bischoff successfully
tested alternate names for WWE, including WCW and WEW. Now,
as a bonus, a top five list within a list of what WEW might
stand for:
- Wrestling Extremely Welldone
- Whimpy Entertainment, Wally!
- Wacky Enigmatic Wrestling
- Waste Enormous Wrestlers
- Watch Everybodylovesraymond
& Whoselineisitanyway
#8. Last week I had a memory
lapse when I couldn't understand why Smackdown was having
a tag team tournament. I didn't remember how the the tag titles
were vacant. Raw informed me that the tag titles are not vacant,
but rather the WWE is once again pulling new titles out of
their butts and diminishing the value of their current championships.
Thanks, Raw.
#7. Randy Orton gave fans his
"get well, Randy" e-mail address, thus ensuring
that fans will send thousands of "die, Randy, die!" letters.
#6. It was better than Cats.
#5. "Great" may be an exaggeration,
but it's nice to see Jericho and Christian get some title
gold. Both guys have struggled recently as singles stars.
However, it is another example of the WWE throwing two random
wrestlers together and calling them a team rather than actually
farming new teams.
#4. While
not as awesome as the WWE History video package that they
showed last year, the tribute to the Intercontinental Belt
was a nice, brief stroll down memory lane. It would have been
better if they'd had more former IC champions there beside
Pat Patterson and more fanfair. For a show that is supposed
to be "over the top," Raw half-asses it a lot. Then again
some weeks, so do I. Ahem, moving along to...
#3. Triple H started the new
national craze, "And Another Thing!" Just grab a friend and
start giving a mock interview. Just as you've wrapped up your
interview, start to walk away. As your friend pretends to
go to a commercial break, jump back and say, "and another
thing…" See how many times you can catch your friend off-guard.
It's fun for hours.
#2. Pat Patterson separated
his shoulder when Rosey and Jamal attacked him. Why is that
great? Maybe now the WWE will stop having Rosey and Jamal
attack old people for cheap heat.
And the #1 reason Raw was great
on Monday: it was only 2 hours long!
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It wasn't rape!
She wanted it. Look at how her corpse was dressed!
| Kane Rant
Excuse me, Mr. WWE Writer, but you contradicted previous
Kane continuity on Monday night with your so called "Kane
Murder" storyline. You see, it was revealed shortly after
Kane's debut in the WWF that Paul Bearer had kept the Undertaker's
presumed dead and disfigured brother Kane in isolation
since the night that their parent's house/funeral home had
caught on fire. How could Kane have been out dating
Miss Katie Vick if Paul Bearer had him locked away?
Furthermore, Kane stated on
Monday, "Katie and I were friends about ten years ago (1992),
back when I first started wrestling; in fact, she came to
my first match." Kane debuted in the WWF on October 5th, 1997.
WWE, you insult my intelligence
in more ways than you can begin to fathom.
Several weeks later, Paul Bearer
explained to fans that Kane's face had been burned to a crisp
as a child and that's why he wore the mask. "One night Katie
and I, uh - we went to a party." Must have been a costume
party.
Until 1997, Kane has been locked
away for 25+ years, waiting to get revenge on his brother,
but that apparently did not affect his social life nor his
budding young wrestling career. Maybe I'm looking at this
all wrong. Maybe Paul entered Kane in a kind of cockfight
for burn victims in order to prepare him for his confrontation
with the Undertaker. And maybe Katie got her jollies off burnt-up
freaks in masks that needed voice boxes to speak. I've dated
worse.
Ratings
Well, pinch my toes and call me a jelly doughnut. I predicted
that the Raw rating would drop this week as fans protested
the Kane Murder angle. Instead, the rating for Raw rose again
this week, with the show scoring a 3.9. The pervious week
scored a 3.8. I just don't understand the world anymore. Is
this crap really what fans want to see? Somebody shoot me.
(Dear Sniper Guy, It was a figure of speech.)
It's Never Too Early To
Rumble!
The Royal Rumble isn't until January but OVW, the WWE's
farm federation, is having a single elimination tournament
with the winner receiving a guaranteed spot in the 30 man
battle royal. The winner of the "Run for the Rumble" contest
will also have to face Kurt Angle weeks before the Rumble
as part of their television tapings. I'll let you know who
wins as soon as someone wins.
He Sucked Then, He Sucks Now
David Flair has been released from the WWE Developmental program.
Apparently Flair was not making the kind of progress they
felt was necessary to warrant a continued role in the developmental
process. If anyone is shocked by this news, then you're thinking
of the wrong guy.
Ok, I've had about enough of this for today.
Let's all bow our heads and pray that Smackdown and Friday's
Chairshots are both an improvement over this week's previous
efforts.
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