Chair Shots

9-20-02

Guest-columnist Sarah Stanek may look nice, but she's really a Terminatrix

Smackdown Rundown
Rey Mysterio opened the show on a high note, falling into the role of getting the at-home audience as pumped as the live audience. The dark matches must be pretty incredible, given the roars from the crowd, so my only question is when will WE be seeing some of them on TV?

He and Torrie Wilson battled Jamie Noble and Nidia, who must be suffering whiplash from her rapid rise. Barely a year ago, she was shunted off to developmental territories, surrounded by nasty rumors that she'd need breast implants and would probably only get token time in the ring, and now she's got a pretty solid gimmick and gets to take bumps from the best performer in the business.

I really do like the "dirty girl" persona they've assigned her, and now that they're not reminding us every ten seconds that she's the first female Tough Enough winner, it works well. On the subject of breast implants, well, I don't know. The WWE really has its share of Divas, and until Lita is back at 100% what they really need are tough chicks who can wrestle and look good doing it.

Um, speaking of hot chicks...

Stephanie has agreed to some Hot Lesbian Action, should Billy and Chuck lose to Raw's Island Boyz on Sunday at the PPV. If they win, though, she will follow in her father's proud footsteps and bare her ass for Eric Bischoff to kiss. Because we really needed a return to the ass-kissing club?

In a montage of incredible lameness and childish predictable double-entendres, Billy revealed that he may choose to wrestle as a single after Sunday. (Because he can go both ways, according to Chuck.) Amazingly, the formerly-ambiguously-gay-duo have great heat and the crowd popped pretty equally for either option, so the Audience Applause-o-Meter didn't give the writing staff an easy answer.

Also, they're not really gay. Did they mention that? And anyone with a problem can … Oh, never mind. They can't suck it. Fellow fanboy Jordan Rosa is pretty distraught that they keep teasing a DX return, only to bring in … Kurt Angle, who does kind of suck (it).

Angle came out (see what I did there?) against publicity stunts like the commitment ceremony. The "What?" chant lives on, having taken on a life of its own as a new way to diss Kurt Angle. More lame double-entendres, emphasizing that the homoeroticism in wrestling is omnipresent should you choose to look for it, and Kurt was booked in a match against Billy and Chuck, forced to work with Chris Benoit.

Brock Lesnar had the best match of the night, a non-title match-up with John Cena, a brutal, believable and well-paced wrestling match with a minimum of brawling. It wasn't too short, it wasn't too long, and Cena really knows how to sell Brock's style. If only Brock vs. Taker on Sunday would be so exciting.

The Undertaker made a cursory pre-PPV appearance, mostly to stare down Brock, who spent the evening surrounded by a posse of security guards to protect him. In the continuity here, Sara Taker has just been released from the hospital after false labor - in reality, I hope she's just fine. Matt Hardy also got involved in the final brawl between Brock and Taker, though to what purpose I'm not sure. It's not likely that he'll play a role in Sunday's big title match, but I guess we need to be reminded that Matt's a real contender.

Eddie & Chavo faced Edge & Rikishi, as a kind of warm-up for Eddie and Edge's match on Sunday. Rikishi really provided the most interesting moment of the night, in a pre-taped segment explaining the large scar on his stomach. In 1987 he was shot in a drive-by, and was dead on the operating table for three minutes. No details on the nature of the drive-by, but still. That's hardcore. Yet another reason why I think the wrestlers' real lives are often intriguing enough to the audience, and could in many cases stand without the need for lameass gimmicks.

ROSS REPORT
Rey Mysterio may face Chavo Guerrero on HEAT Sunday night prior to Unforgiven. This match has not been confirmed but it is being seriously discussed.

Maven is about three weeks away from returning to the ring, probably in OVW before returning full time to WWE.

Ohio Valley Wrestling's new facility will be up and running in about a week after the landlord makes a few changes to satisfy the political types in the City of Louisville. Check out OVWrestling.com for more on the stars of tomorrow.

Jerry "the King" Lawler's book is in the editing stage, and is getting rave reviews from those who have read it. Bobby "the Brain" Heenan's book is available now, and JR highly recommends it.

OTHER NEWS FROM THE WWE
You may have noticed a new ring announcer on Smackdown! last night; his name is Jason Roberts, he is 22 years old, and he was shadowing Lillian and Fink for a while before standing on his own last night. This isn't exactly what I meant when I said we needed new blood in the ring, but hey, it's a start. Will he mud wrestle?

Some of you might remember Josh from the original Tough Enough - he was the third male finalist, the one who wasn't Maven or Harvard Chris. He is now working on the Canadian announcing team for Raw. I had no idea the Canadians needed their own announcers. Maybe the whole "un-Americans" angle would play better if the actual Americans had a freakin' clue about the Great White North.

Eric Bischoff will be appearing tonight on "Best Damn Sports Show Period." The show airs on Fox Sports on cable. Check your local listings.

UNFORGIVEN PREDICTIONS
Lest I be subject to the jeers we point at Goodson when his predictions are wrong, I will guarantee myself one correct with this: I will spend more time cooking than watching TV.

Trish Stratus vs. Molly Holly

Recently added for some sex appeal. Trish can't lose, Molly can't win. Unless they've got a better angle lined up for Molly, Trish wins.

Edge vs Eddie

I like Eddie for the win, which will put him and Chavo over a bit more and keep this feud alive until they figure out where else to take Latino Heat. Also, Eddie has been known to cheat to win.

Kane, Bubba Ray, Goldust & Booker T vs. The Un-Americans

Dinner is served! I cannot bear to watch this trainwreck, much less think about who might win it. But probably the freaks will beat the flag-burners.

Billy & Chuck vs. Jamal & Rosie

The Island Boyz have no heat; Billy & Chuck have an unthinkable amount. It could really go either way, but I'd say Billy and Chuck will lose unfairly, blame each other for awhile and then split into singles careers.

Intercontinental Championship: Ric Flair vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho is unbeatable, and Flair works better as an indignant loser, so Jericho takes this one.

Chris Benoit vs Kurt Angle

Benoit, clean over Angle. The feud is pretty slim anyway, and moves Angle to do something else.

World Heavyweight Championship: RVD vs. HHH

RVD! RVD! RVD! H needs a break, and RVD needs a reason to take things seriously.

WWE Championship: Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Brock should keep the title, otherwise he is not the next big thing, he's just one in a long line of guys jobbing to an established superstar. If the WWE is taking his rise seriously, they can't hand his belt away. I'll be crossing my fingers for that result.

Sarah Stanek