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Now
with 30% more
piss and vinegar.
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CHAIR SHOTS
09-16-03
I'm Michael
Goodson and this is Chairshots. I'll be filling in for Chris
Garcia while he's away at his annual Troll Picnic and Jamboree.
Let's see if RAW still sucks and my old jokes still have any
juice in them…
RAW
Rehash
Chris Jericho and Christian started off the show by protesting
Steve Austin's reign as General Manager. The three chatter
for what seems like 15 minutes and the end result is an RVD
vs. Jericho match with the winner facing Christian on Sunday.
When your writers can't write long term storylines, on the
fly booking will have to do.
Christian
interferes and a 3 way match is set up for Unforgiven. Yawn.
Excuse me, but did Christian call Jericho "C-man?" I'm pretty
sure he did and I just wanted to point it out. Homosexual
innuendo never slips by me.
A recap
is shown of the ugliest looking bump I've seen in a long time.
Spike is thrown out of the ring and on to his head by La Resistance.
I think fans already know La Resistance can't wrestle. Why
highlight it?
Speaking
of people that can't wrestle yet eat up valuable TV time,
The Coach and Al Snow hype their match against The King and
Jim Ross at Unforgiven. Is Ally McBeal still on? I searched
for it while Coach talked. Couldn't find it so I tuned back.
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While
all across America, men did the exact opposite...
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Lucky
me, 'cause Fabulous Moolah showed up to collect on Vince McMahon's
promise years ago that he would book Moolah in a match after
her 80th birthday. Steve Austin becomes the tool (cough) for
the promise and books Moolah in a match against Victoria.
Poor Chris Garcia must have cried as he went soft in his own
hands at the sight of Moolah touching Victoria.
A quick
roll up win by Moolah and another Moolah match has ended faster
than it took her to get to the ring. Victoria and Randy Orton
used Moolah to increase their heat after the match because…well…just
because it's fun to beat up on old people.
Lance
Storm and Goldust took on Mark Henry and Rodney Mack in a
match that couldn't main event a Sunday Night Heat. Hard to
believe that I really used to try and find the silver lining
on this show. I don't think I could find one now if my life
depended on it.
Shane
McMahon and Kane put the ink to paper to finalize their Last
Man Standing match for Sunday. Then magically an extra announce
table shows up at ringside and Shane McMahon puts Kane through
it with the elbow.
Let me
see if I can get this straight. Kane, a monster heel, destroys
RVD, an amazing wrestler, in a cage match last week. Shane
McMahon, a non-wrestler, beats Kane this week with some sucker
punches and a flying elbow.
Remind
me again why this feud is helping any of the people we're
supposed to pay money to see? Clearly Kane sucks and RVD is
a chump. Shane McMahon is the only one that looks good on
TV, where most of the fans are watching. Yeah, he'll get the
snot kicked out of him on Sunday but only a fraction of the
viewing audience will see it, so it doesn't mean much. Once
again the McMahons come out smelling like roses at the expense
of their wrestlers.
Lita
returns from a year long absence to show the girls that have
been stinking up the women's division how to receive a power
bomb. Okay, that was cool for a few minutes.
Test
has a match against Val "where has my career gone" Venis mostly
just to remind fans that he has yet another match against
Scott Steiner on Sunday. The whole Stacy is Test's slave angle
has really been wasted. I mean, if Stacy was my slave, I'd
dress her a whole lot sluttier for starters. At least then
fans would care if I was coming out to wrestle because they
might see a stray boob or something. Steiner breaks up the
Test vs. Venis match and the spotlight instantly shift to
The King vs. Al Snow.
Who books
this crap? This isn't wrestling. It's a Mad Magazine parody
of wrestling.
The show
ends on a high point with HHH cutting a scathing promo against
Goldberg, but his monitors stop working and HHH doesn't think
the mic is on. Fans are treated to two minutes of "Hello?
Hello? Can you hear me now?"
Blah
blah blah. Goldberg and HHH will fight on Sunday and HHH will
drop the title to prove he's a company man. (Actually he has
an injured groin and needs time off to plan his wedding to
Stephanie, but you didn't hear it from me.)
Let's
get to something fun and make fun of the news.
In
the News
Billy Gunn had arthroscopic surgery on his shoulder last Thursday.
He should be back in 4-6 weeks. Hurry back, Billy. Internet
columnists miss bitching about how lame you are.
Booker
T. was a guest on WWE's Byte This Friday and he stated that
his back is feeling better. He expects to return to WWE in
October. Booker has stated in the past that he doesn't plan
to remain an active wrestler for many more years, but that
he wants to have one more World Title program. Somewhere the
RAW writing staff is snickering.
Kevin
Nash has a bulging disc in his back. He has no talent anyway
so it shouldn't be an issue as far as his career goes.
Brock
Lesnar suffered an injury at the Smackdown house show in Richmond,
VA over the weekend. I'm really looking forward to his Iron
Man match Thursday night against Kurt Angle. The WWE is making
a smart move giving away a huge match like that on TV just
before a PPV (despite the fact that it is a RAW brand PPV
and a Smackdown match). So far he's been telling people that
the match is on but anything can happen between now and then.
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...but
she still has feelings...
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Joanie
"Chyna" Laurer has announced that she will now be using the
name Chyna Doll as a way of getting around WWE's refusal to
let her use the Chyna name. FanboyPlanet.com has acquired
the short list of other names Chyna was considering before
settling on Chyna Doll:
Chynabob
Squarepants
Asia (copyrighted by WCW)
Chyna Helmsley
She-Beast The Amazon Formerly Known as Chyna
Chiina
Super Korea!
Chyna McMahon (shameless plea for a job)
S.A.R.S.
Chyna-Chyna-Fo-Fina
Aqualass
Chyna Syndrome
The Big C (rejected for obvious reasons)
Kurt
Angle gave a speech at West Chester University on Friday.
When asked about his future, Angle stated that the plan right
now is to have him team with John Cena in the future. "I shouldn't
be saying this, but within the next half year or so, the plan
is for me to team with John Cena." I smell a swerve or one
of them is gonna turn. Cena has a ton of heel heat right now
but fans could probably be convinced to cheer for him. Angle
is the top babyface on Smackdown but has always been a better
heel. My money is on Cena joining the good guys.
Until
the next time I go tromping over Garcia's bridge...
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