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Chair
Shots
9-13-02
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Guest-columnist
Sarah Stanek may look nice, but she's really a Terminatrix
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Smackdown
Rundown
A
year ago today, Smackdown! was a masterful work
of art. Stepping up to the plate at the most difficult of
times, Vince McMahon took his show live in Texas and made
the first steps at rebuilding our wounded nation. He gave
a speech still unrivalled by any professional politician and
brought us a show filled with hope, energy and good guys winning.
(And
as I'm wont to recollect, the Rock used words like "fathom"
and "diligently" while our President spoke that very day of
"whuppin' terrorism." Sigh.)
It was
a great night, one that WWE should be proud of and commit
to the vaults. And it was wise not to invoke that greatness
last night, not only because we've probably had enough somber
reflection, but because wowza, did last night's show in Minneapolis
suck in comparison. Of course, in comparison to more recent
editions of Smackdown! it wasn't half bad, but that
still leaves that other half to account for.
Goin'
to the Chapel
The big news, of course, was Billy and Chuck's
"Commitment Ceremony" which was, at best, amusing. And confusing;
I certainly didn't understand why the Godfather was the one
to interrupt the ho-mo train with his ho train. It made very
little sense in the overall booking, but I guess it threw
some people off the trail of the real swerve, coming up quickly.
But the
"justice of the peace" was too transparently not who he said
he was; the crowd gathered around my tube kept trying to place
him as a former wrestler or personality, though I admit I
didn't see Bischoff as the man behind the mask. He sicced
his Island Boys on the wedding party, and they did a number
on Stephanie, who can still take her bumps well. A large cadre
of faces came out to chase the bad men away, which reminds
me that as a group, wrestlers look kinda silly. Or maybe that
was just the Hurricane.
Bischoff
was right about one thing, though, and that's that this whole
"ambiguously gay duo" thing has lasted too long. Not just
the segment - which also lasted too long - but the whole lame
gimmick. It seems that they're trying to weasel out of it
by blaming everything on Rico the Mastermind, which works
well to make him the heel and Billy & Chuck the faces. Perhaps
now Rico, a fairly talented wrestler, can break away and we
can all forget this ever happened, just like we've all forgotten
Too Much, II Cool and all the other attempts at gay subtext.
I really
doubt wrestling fans have anything against homosexuality,
but I think most of them do have huge problems with lame gimmicks,
stupid publicity stunts and asinine angles. Which is all the
WWE can seem to manage in this area.
First
Appearance of Little Taker
It'll be the answer to an obscure
wrestling trivia question in 25 years, but last night the
spawn of the Undertaker made its first appearance on a WWE
program, though still in the belly of the lovely Sara Taker.
Once again she is the pawn of a borderline tasteful plot against
her husband. Last time it brought us DDP, but what will it
wreak this time?
Matt
Hardy wrestled the main event against Taker, or at least he
did while the cameras weren't on Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman's
ringside antics. He's adapted his style enough that he looks
feasible against the monster that is the Undertaker. The match
didn't really go anywhere, though, as Taker bolted backstage
to keep Paul from harassing Sara, then got laid out by a chairshot
from Brock.
Other
matches last night included Brock the hometown hero winning
a non-title match against Bob Holly; Eddie & Chavo Guerrero
vs. Edge and Jon Cena in a lackluster tag match; and a hot
if been-there-done-that match between Rey Mysterio and Kurt
Angle, with a decent promo cut by the latter and the usual
stellar entrance of the former. Benoit and Rikishi rushed
through their match, as did Nidia and Torrie Wilson.
I'm really
very tired of wrestling. I've only been a fan for four years
now, and already it's very much same-old, same-old. Watching
Smackdown was more a duty than a pleasure, and I say that
even after downing a margarita. Whatever infusion of energy
this company is looking for, it hasn't found it yet. I do
not blame Vince or Stone Cold or the president or the terrorists.
The only prescription I have is more new blood, more often,
in the ring and out of it.
This
company is capable of bringing us great entertainment even
in the face of great adversity. It's just the rest of the
time that seems to be a problem.
ROSS
Report
I can check the WWE website just as well as Mr.
Goodson can to bring you the latest news from good ol' JR:
* Jazz
will be back in the ring soon. Eric Angle has returned to
Ohio Valley Wrestling and Rhyno will probably be there soon
to rehab after neck surgery.
* Tough
Enough 3 will be finished taping soon, and Ivory and Bill
DeMott will return to the road, as will Al Snow. "We look
forward to getting all three of these talents back in the
mix, especially Bill, who is a very untapped hand from where
I sit. I hope Bill is reintroduced in a big way and he gets
a chance to really contribute, as he is another great locker-room
leader who has certainly paid his dues and deserves a shot."
I'm ashamed to admit I don't even know who that is, but as
I'll be covering TE3 soon enough, I guess I'll find out.
* Three
new developmental contracts reach verbal agreements this week
and we should be able to announce them here next week. None
of them involve Scott Steiner or Bill Goldberg.
* WWE
has also agreed to sponsor Wes Brisco in the Pro Wakeboard
Tour. Wes is the son of agent Jerry Brisco and nephew of the
legendary former NWA World Champion Jack Brisco. "Wes will
hopefully one day follow in the famous footsteps of his dad
and uncle by competing in the ring. This young man has some
mighty big shoes to fill, to say the least."
* JR also
tells us that he's looking for a few of the young talents
currently in OVW to be called up soon. Can't be soon enough.
And kids
(American kids, that is), please sign up to Smackdown Your
Vote. And you'll next hear from me next Friday; look for superfan
Chris Garcia to fill in the Chair Shots duty on Tuesday!
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