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Chair
Shots
8-20-02
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Gratuitous
breasts are no joke.
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The
Raw Run Down
Happy July 5th everyone! Oh wait, yesterday wasn't July 4th.
Then why did I have to sit through Undertaker's patriotic
speech about being a badass last night to start things off
on Raw? Hmm. Someone's calendar must be off.
Needless
to say Raw got off to a slow start last night, surprising
because most people were predicting a hot show based on the
WWE's recent ratings momentum. Oh, they tried to liven things
up and make us interested, but so much of it just fell flat.
As much
as I liked Bischoff's reason for having a bra and panties
match in mud on Raw (sex sells and no one cares about women
wrestling anyway), the whole gimmick just seems like we've
been there and done that. Maybe the 14-17 year olds at home
enjoyed it (well, at least the first minute of it), but us
late twenty married guys have old issues of Playboy more entertaining
than that.
Following
that party was Triple H with a clip board! Woo hoo! Yeah,
he talked and then Jericho talked and then Flair showed up
and then I thought about my navel for a while.
The Un-Americans
just aren't entertaining me. I know Storm and Christian can
wrestle but they are just boring the tears out of me. Both
guys should just move to Smackdown where they can have some
awesome cruiserweight matches.
Big Show
wrestled. Read that again and tell me if it piques your interest.
Big Show wrestled. Nope, didn't do anything for me either.
Unable to top squashing midgets from last week, The Islanders
beat up on Big Show. They haven't had a single match and my
interest is starting to waiver. Let's see some wrestling!
The writers
on both shows have gotten themselves into a comedy rut with
The Rock. Last week I mentioned that Rock's "bend over" interview
with Mark Lloyd felt forced and not very funny. The same thing
happened last night with Rock's interview about fighting Triple
H as a baby. It wasn't funny and just seemed like the writers
were desperate to add comedy.
The same
thing happened with Golddust not too long ago. After a few
funny skits, they really started trying too hard to make Golddust
funny. Remember when Golddust appeared as time traveling Ben
Franklin? Then you see my point.
The Rock
is naturally funny. Just give him the microphone and let him
do his thing. When you start scripting comedy for him the
whole thing turns into a Saturday Night Live sketch. Come
to think of it, Rock wasn't that funny last time he was on
SNL either. Come to think of it, SNL isn't funny.
Last
Monday when Kane's music hit, the crowd jumped to its feet
because they thought he was actually going to show up. Same
thing happened on Smackdown but not as many people jumped
up because they figured it was just another teaser. They were
right. When Kane's music hit last night people took it as
a sign to take a potty break. Will anyone actually see Kane's
return when it happens, or will we all be in the kitchen frying
Twinkies?
I still
like the build up for this Sunday's main event of Lesnar vs.
Rock. The ending of the show was predictable since you knew
neither Rock nor HHH could lose a big match right before a
PPV. What I liked was Rock's training montage. Set that to
Eye of the Tiger and it's Rocky IV all over again.
We've
all wondered if Shawn Michaels is going to be able to return
to the ring this Sunday and have a quality match like he used
to have. I can only hope that the ugly leap he took out of
the ring last night on to HHH was not a sign of things to
come. First it looked like he caught his foot on the top ring
rope because he couldn't jump high enough over it. Then he
lands on that poor security guard. Then while trying to beat
up on Triple H he manages to land more blows on the same security
guard! If Shawn vs. HHH doesn't pull in the money the WWE
wants in to, there may still be money in Shawn vs. Security
for Wrestlemania.
Fozzy
= Fozzzzzzzzzy. Bands playing live on wrestling shows
didn't work for KISS, didn't work for Megadeath, didn't work
for Kid Rock, and it didn't work for Fozzy. If fans wanted
to watch bands play live on TV then Solid Gold would still
be on the air.
I've
already said the ending was predictable and I think anyone
that's been a wrestling fan for a while could see that. It
was a nice hard sell for the PPV but it could have been a
little more interesting. Not a bad show this week, just nothing
of any real substance.
Celebrity
Boxing 3: Stone Cold vs. Wynona Ryder
TheSmokingGun.com has obtained the arrest warrant for Stone
Cold Steve Austin (real name Steve Williams). If you're interested
in such things, you can see it by clicking
here.
As follow
up to last week's breaking news story, it's not Debra that's
pressing the charges against Austin. Instead, the District
Attorney has chosen to pursue the case in criminal court after
seeing the complaint from the original incident back in June.
Stay tuned for more!
Please
don't e-mail me asking me if the title to this news bit is
true. While I'm at it, to the guy that keeps e-mailing me
telling me that the link to the gratuitous breasts ad is broken
at the bottom of the page, IT'S A JOKE!
He
Sucked Anyway
NWA-TNA color commentator Ed Ferrara had a falling out with
former WWF booking partner Vince Russo this week and is leaving
the company as a result. Mike Tenay and Don West will continue
in the broadcast booth without him. Note to Ed: It's time
to shave the dreads, white boy, and get a real job.
Goldberg
Teases
Goldberg is teasing on his website that he has scheduled a
meeting with Vince McMahon, and will provide more details
of the meeting on his website later this week.
Goldberg,
you tease!
Dick
Clark's: Rock & Rosario
Rock's next big film finally has a female lead. Rosario Dawson,
who was last seen as Will Smith's love interest in MIB2 this
summer (Pluto Nash never happened...it neevvvveeer happened...),
has been cast in "Helldorado."
She joins
the cast of Rock, Christopher Walken, Sean William Scott and
Director Peter Berg. Filming starts in September.
Hmmm,
PPV this weekend + Rock leaving to film movie in September
= WRESTLING IS FAKE!
Remember,
you read it here first.
Tune
in Friday for more Earth shattering discoveries. See ya then.
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