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Chairshots
7-9-02

Raw Thoughts
I'll just warn you right now that I'm in a very snide and cynical mood (more so than usual). If you came here to read some fair critique of last night's WWE Raw, you came to the wrong place.

Today is a day of reckoning at Chairshots where I will leave no catty remark unprinted, no scab unpicked and no blemish unpopped. I'm tired of being jerked around with half-hearted efforts by the writers. The WWE needs something and it's not Vince Russo, it's not Goldberg and it's not Steve Austin. All they need is a good writing staff that knows how to write a wrestling show. Instead, let's look at the steaming pile of Raw they served us last night.

One week after a main event match against The Undertaker for the undisputed world title, Jeff Hardy is fighting William Regal over the most meaningless belt in the WWE. If the WWE needs new main event wrestlers to fill the holes left by The Rock, HHH, Kevin Nash and Steve Austin, why are they jerking Jeff Hardy around? Hardy should be starting feuds with big time heels like Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero or the NWO, not fighting William "Anti-Entertainment" Regal.

Coming soon to TNN: Slamball. Can Basket Ball on trampolines reach the high mark of success set by the XFL? Tune in and find out!

Chris Nowinski & Jackie Gayda vs. Trish & Bradshaw is a match fit for WWE Heat. It says something when Trish is the best wrestler, best actor and most over with the fans out of that bunch. Nowinski sucks. Jackie sucks. I refuse to take Bradshaw seriously in that costume and I say that as a man that had no problem with him as one of The Undertaker's evil acolytes! Three-year-old Rock highlights were more entertaining than this match.

Goldust has grown on me, but do we need to see him in a wacky costume every week? Is Goldust dressed up as "Time Traveling" Ben Franklin what you want to see when you tune into Raw every Monday?

I usually enjoy a good Shawn Michaels promo but last night he was bordering on boring. Not to mention that all I could think about during his speech was that what he really wanted was for Triple H to come out of the closet and join his old gay pals in the NWO. Read this excerpt and tell me he's not talking about homosexuality. (Highlights from KotR air.) Michaels: "That still brings a tear to my eye! Now, you all know that as of last week, we have extended the offer to Triple H to come back home - to come back where he belongs - you see, about five years ago myself, Kevin Nash, Kid, Scott Hall, Show you weren't here yet, and Triple H, we were a...pretty powerful group in this line o' work. We traveled up and down the roads together, we trained together, we got uh...we got hammered together - we uh, not proud of it, but we carried one another to our rooms. You name it, and ah...and we did it. But, at twenty plus days a month on the road with each other, each other was all we had." I personally like to keep homosexuality and my love of watching sweaty men fight separate.

There was once a time when Ric Flair was the biggest name in wrestling. Now we live in a time where the only wins Ric Flair can get are from guys that haven't been on WWE television in any real capacity in months.

Wrestlers put their butts on the line every week for my amusement and I love them for it. My biggest problem with the sad state of wrestling has to do with the writers, not the solid effort night after night from hard working wrestlers. With that said, last night was the worst overall group effort from a collection of wrestlers that I can recall. Everyone seemed off his or her game. Trish blew her finisher. Jeff Hardy missed a corkscrew on William Regal by three miles. Nash tripped over Booker T's foot, injuring himself. Brock Lesnar hit a clothesline on RVD that looked about as devastating as a spit wad. Bad, bad wrestling across the board.

Wasn't Big Show kicked out of the NWO last week? Does the WWE staff not watch Raw either?

The single highlight of the night was Tommy Dreamer's promo on Paul Heyman. It showed honesty about his lowly position in the WWE and it showed the fire he used to have when he was an ECW legend. Most importantly, it was the best thing Tommy Dreamer has done since joining the WWE two years ago. The only problem was that his promo was against Brock Lesnar, so you knew that by the end of it Tommy Dreamer would be laying in the puddle of his career and Brock Lesnar would continue his Goldberg-like push towards Summer Slam. It sucks to be right.

Thankfully the "W" in NWO doesn't stand for Wrestling.

Nash Healed. Nash Injured.
Hope all you Big Kevin Nash fans out there enjoyed his final match. Just days after being medically cleared to return to the ring from an arm injury, Kevin Nash tore his quad muscle in the 10 man main event last night. This is the same injury that Triple H had last year that took him the better part of a year to recover from. Nash tripped over Booker T's foot, then fell to the ground screaming loudly. After the match, The Big Show helped him to the back. Nash had surgery today to repair the quad which had been torn clear off the bone. Ouch. He will be out of action for at least 6 months.

So, Nash injures his bicep in his very first match back in the WWE and is out of the ring for months. Seventeen seconds into his second WWE match he injures his quad by tripping over a foot. Karma sucks doesn't it? To make matters worse Nash is in his 40s and has over a dozen knee operations under his girth filled belt. Are the Outsiders cursed? Is the NWO cursed? Can Big Sexy…err Big Injury recover in time to save his failing career? Tune in, fans, and watch the real life fun that's far more interesting than the make believe.

Russo Jumps Again
Just when Vince McMahon finally got the old knife out of his back Vince Russo put there years ago, Russo reveals a back-up knife. Less than a month after returning to the WWE, hack-wrestling writer Vince Russo has left the WWE for the fledgling NWA-TNA. I believe it was Commander Montgomery Scott of the USS Enterprise that once said, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I think all parties are probably happy with the deal. Russo wasn't welcome in the WWE after the first day's antics and Russo is probably happy to go some place he's wanted.

Ross Report
Last Friday Jim Ross made his weekly Ross Report on WWE.com. Here are the highlights:

Ross jinxed Kevin Nash! Three days before torn his quad muscle, Jim Ross reported that Nash's bicep has healed. Nash had been medically cleared and would begin working next weekend's house shows. Ross added that Nash will be working on his conditioning and needs to step up to a main event level soon. (So much for that plan.)

Kane is about a month away from returning. (X-Pac needs to start wearing Kane's mask again.)

Ross said that Bubba Ray Dudley needs a new storyline and "perhaps" new ring attire. (Halfway decent storyline wouldn't hurt either, J.R.)

Lita will have to wear a hard collar for two more months. Ross guesses she will be able to return by WrestleMania.

Ross called Christopher Nowinski a "student of the game" and praised him for arriving early and watching every match on the shows he works. Ross added that other wrestlers could benefit from Nowinski's example. (I, on the other hand, think that Nowinski isn't any better than your average first year wrestler and the WWE didn't really need a William Regal Jr. around.)

Perry Saturn will be released from doctor's care soon, following his ACL surgery. (He will be back just in time to sit backstage with Raven and Billy Kidman talking about when they used to be wrestlers.

The WWE has not signed Scott Steiner or Bill Goldberg, and have not negotiated with either wrestler for several weeks. (Uh-oh)

Recently retired Diamond Dallas Page has told WWE he is "not ready" to become a broadcaster yet, but may join the broadcast team somewhere down the line. (I swear if he says "BANG!" during every match I'm going to start taking hostages.)

Tazz is ready to retire soon and become a full-time broadcaster. (I thought this already happened. Seriously, when was the last time he wrestled? I think it was when he and Spike were a tag team last year.)

Ross plans to begin work on his second cookbook shortly. The book will also contain stories from his career. (Not included in the book is a top ten list of why Oklahomans talk so funny and naked photos of Mrs. Ross.)

Speaking of naked photos…See you soon.

Yes, Sarah, I mean you.

Sarah says: I don't think we're that kind of website, but thanks for giving my legions of desperate fans false hope in their Google searches…  

Michael Goodson