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CHAIR SHOTS
06-23-03
My name
is Michael Goodson and I used to write a damn fine wrestling
column here on Fanboyplanet.com. Then one day I was exposed
to lethal amounts of gamma radiation and suddenly could not
control my anger towards wrestling. Chris Garcia, who I like
to call The Abomination, is out for a few days so I'll be
filling in. Let's see if I can remember where I left off.
Raw
Preview
Mick Foley mentioning on Byte This last week that the WWE
is planning a big ceremony for him tonight on Raw. It will
likely be his last appearance for awhile. Mick's return has
been mostly enjoyable, but the writers haven't given him anything
inspired to do so he's mainly just been going though the motions.
Let's
hope the rumors about Terry Funk showing up tonight are true
and we get to see something memorable. (Flaming barbed wire
hot pokers on a pole on top of Hell in a Cell surrounded by
a moat of piranha perhaps?)
The main
event of the night will be Triple H vs. Kane. Stipulations
for the match are that if Kane loses, he will be unmasked.
I'm still not sure why Triple H would have offered Kane a
spot in Evolution after their feud a few months ago. Did Triple
H really think Kane would forget about the Katie Vick angle?
Maybe everyone forgot and I'm just cursed with a memory of
bad wrestling plot lines.
So as
WWE returns to Madison Square Garden they are promising either
a world title change or Kane's unmasking (barring a DQ ending).
Talk about booking yourself into a corner. Here are the possible
outcomes of tonight's match as I see them.
Kane
beats Triple H and wins the title. This is the best option
but comes outta the blue. They have tried to get Kane some
of his heat back over the last few weeks but he's just not
as popular as he used to be. On the other hand, Triple H bores
me as the world champion. I vote that Kane gets a run with
the belt just for the sake of variety.
Kane
beats Triple H by DQ and does not win the title. This is what
I'm calling the cop out finish. Neither of the two exciting
endings are explored and they book the dullest safest ending.
Yeah, I'm betting they choose this one too.
Kane loses to Triple H and reveals his face but it is not burned and scared. Let's just rewrite the entire convoluted Kane/Undertaker history! It already doesn't make sense.
Kane
loses to Triple H and unmasks to reveal a burned and scarred
face. Okay, we all know that Kane is played by Glen Jacobs
and Glen Jacobs doesn't have a burned face. That means it's
time for makeup and poor lighting. The cynical wrestling audience
(which I estimate is about 80% of the viewing audience) is
going to roll their eyes at that and the rest will probably
just call it cheesy. Not a great option but at least they
will have made an effort to deliver on their promise.
Kane
loses to Triple H and for some reason doesn't show his face.
This is a worst case scenario. MSG is the WWE's home arena
and they will really piss off fans if they fail to deliver
on their promise. Look for riots in the streets, civil unrest
and possible limited military action.
Raw
Ratings
RAW's rating took a big jump last week. The show scored
a 4.1 which is good considering that the show has barely
broken the 4.0 barrier all year. Maybe it was the lack of
any NHL or NBA competition or maybe fans were just dying
to see Rico's new gimmick.
Lesnar
Blades
Brock Lesnar was injured last week in a boating accident.
Lesnar stayed in San Antonio, TX following Smackdown last
Tuesday so that he could have his injured rib looked at.
He and some friends went out on a boating trip, because
everyone knows that injured ribs are best examined off shore,
and Brock accidentally fell out of the boat. His leg was
sliced open by the propeller. The cut was three inches long
and one inch deep behind his knee. He received stitches
the next day and his knee became extremely swollen. Brock
missed WWE house shows over the weekend but is expected
to make the Smackdown taping. It is doubtful that's he'll
wrestle. But that's just my completely uneducated medical
guesstimation.
Tossed
Caesar Salad
This is old news but I haven't seen Garcia mention it, so…
Eric
Bischoff was not happy about having to do the Mae Young
bronco buster spot at Bad Blood. Mae caught word of it and
decided to pull one over on Eric. Mae put an anchovy in
her underwear before the spot took place for reasons I'm
sure any 6th grader could imagine.
Looking
at the photos from the PPV, Eric took most of the "offensiveness"
on his chest. Don't feel bad, Eric. Our webmaster pays 50
dollars to have the same thing done to him every time he
goes to Japan. You got it free!
That's
all for me today, but now that I'm warmed up, I'll be back
next week with new material. Oh, who am I kidding? It's
the same old material that I'm just hoping seems new after
a 6 month break. Ciao.
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