Falls Count Anywhere

08-31-04

I'll have fries with that.

RAW
HHH came out with Batista and Ric Flair to cut what turned out to be a pretty successful promo. HHH said that he brought together Evolution, shaking the dust off Flair (ummmm, Trips, I think you missed a spot…), brought in Batista, and made Randy Orton his personal pet project. Apparently, Randy was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar.

Armed with a couple of visual aids to demonstrate that he had pinned Benoit to become the champ, Randy came out and spit in HHH’s face. Orton got an OK face reaction, though the ladies screamed for him big time, much like Shawn Michaels in the mid-1990s. Randy said something about Flair and he got indignant and had to be held back. I love it when Flair gets indignant. Randy pulled a sledgehammer (by the way, the first season of Sledge Hammer! is available on DVD and it’s GRRRRRRRRRR-eat!) and cleared the ring.

Rhyno and Tajiri took on Coach and La Resistance in a match that wasn’t good, mostly because Tajiri is hurt and couldn’t tag in. The Frogs hit the Au Revoir for the pin.

Kane did a little bit where he spoke to Lita through the door, saying that he had a surprise for her later in the show. I’m still not sold on this at all. They’ve done interesting things, but they NEED to explain why Lita isn’t really having a kid, and somehow manage to do it tastefully (no giving birth to a rubber hand, for example) and she needs to start showing soon.

Regal and Eugene had a segment where Eugene talked about watching Giants baseball and desperately tried not to get booed, which worked at that point. Of course, the Giants had lost earlier in the day and they were talking about Sunday’s game, but what are you going to do?

Batista pinned William Regal in a match that had no heat at all. Regal worked his type of match, which I like, but the crowd just didn’t care. Perhaps using his old music was a bad idea. Flair ran out and gave Regal a shot to the ribs with the Brass Knux which allowed Batista to get a clothesline for the pin. I am curious as to why they chose a clothesline instead of a move that would have actually used the injured ribs, like say a Bearhug, which Batista is big enough to pull off, or an abdominal stretch.

Ivory, Linda McMahon and Shawn Michaels were at the Republican National Convention talking up SmackDown! Your Vote. It was kinda a waste of Shawn Michaels’ return, but he did a hell of a promo on the importance of voting. Believe it or not, this actually raises their stature in the world of politics.

Farewell, Maria. Nice birds.

Ah, the Diva contest. They kicked off the only remaining blonde, Maria, who I hated. As she left, she gave the double bird to Carmella. There’s a lot more to this story (see NEWS). The girls then got to dis one another. Joy’s promo was the best. She managed to only swear once and she let off some very real anger. Amy’s was OK, and Carmella’s was weak, as expected. Then we got Christy, who I believe referred to Carmella as a “C@#$ &*E%^$ing Gutterslut!” Classy. Seriously, after The Rock last week, and this, you’d think that Vince Russo had taken over. Or maybe Eric Embry. This actually felt a bit like ECW, where if they knew something wasn’t working, they’d filthy it up.

Kane and Lita did an in-ring bit where Kane presented Matt Hardy’s family: Pat Hardy, Rat Hardy, Nat Hardy and of course, Fat Hardy, who looked a little too Asian to be a Hardy. This was lame since we all know Jeff Hardy, his actual brother. Kane beat them up, but Lita said that she had a present for him. Since she was his property, he was also her property, so she signed a contract for him to face Shawn Michaels at the PPV. Nice twist, but Kane seemed not annoyed, but worried about facing Michaels. This kinda goes against his gimmick.

Chris Benoit beat Ric Flair by DQ when Batista ran in. I am sadly noticing that every time Flair gets in the ring he looks less and less like he should be there. He’s having trouble with his signature spots, he couldn’t get any air for Benoit’s suplexes he’s over-doing the FlairFlop and he’s just not moving well. Be Evolution’s manager, dude. You’ve earned a rest! Batista gave Benoit the Sit-Out PowerBomb after the match.

The Highlight Reel was Edge and Jericho. Edge came out on crutches (See NEWS) and Jericho said that Edge had gotten himself intentionally disqualified last time to save the belt and he wanted a rematch at Unforgiven. Edge said that he tore his groin and couldn’t wrestle. Jericho asked how he could trust that Edge really needed the crutches and wouldn’t brain him the second he turned his back. Edge said that Jericho shouldn’t turn his back on him. Edge left and then it happened. The prayers of a hundred RAW reviewers came true. From the East rode, or actually ran, a savior.

Christian.

And he beat the tar out of Jericho while Edge watched and did nothing. Christian really needed to get on the mic and say something, but he didn’t. They need to re-establish guys when they return far better than they have been.

Victoria and Nidia, whose boobs seem to be stamped Minimum inflation: 26000lb psi, beat Gail Kim and Trish. Trish beat on Nidia a little, Gail did some submissions on Nidia, and then Victoria tagged in a got a few nice moves off. Gail trapped Victoria in a nice Texas Cloverleaf variation, but Stevie Richards in drag stumbled down the ramp and Victoria managed to get a roll-up. It’s still weird.

Whosoever holds this hammer shall wield the might of ...Eugene.

Eugene didn’t get a positive reaction, which is a shame. They’ve completely botched him by thinking that he could be a top-tier guy. Mid-card por vida, homes, as Eddie would say. The match with HHH wasn’t bad. Eugene is solid in the ring, but the gimmick will hold him back in the current position for as long as he has it. Randy Orton hit HHH with the sledge to give Eugene the win.

The booking is awful right now. The wrestling has gone way downhill. Benoit and Flair had the best match on the show, and it wasn’t that good. They need to get things back on track and soon. Getting Christian back will help, but I doubt it will be enough. BRING BACK BROCK! (see NEWS)

NEWS
Not too much. There’s a lot of talk about Lesnar. A lot of the locker room is against making him a new offer to get him back in the fold and there’s talk that Brock wouldn’t even consider it. Still, the WWE needs a shot in the arm, and bringing back Brock as a heel who hates the fans for what they did to him at Mania would be sweet. Brock was officially cut on Monday. He had made one tackle on Sunday against the 49ers.

Tajiri suffered an injury, possibly of the knee. He’s been hurt for a while and he’ll probably be out for a couple of weeks.

Edge had a real scare where he thought that his hip popped out. The thought is that it’s serious, and with Edge on the, well, edge of a major World Title heel push, it couldn’t happen at a worse time…which is exactly what we were saying right before he got hurt the last time.

The Diva Search, and in particular Carmella, is surrounded by a series of weird stories and a few claims that are very interesting. First, Carmella got into a bar fight in Cleveland. There were no charges pressed, but it’s out there. Then there are the notes that a few of the eliminated contestants were instructed to heel on Carmella. For some, like Amy and Joy, this was not difficult. The Twins were both fully planned to come back in some form for the WWE, and Carmella was the big fave. I’ve heard two things said by my folks who keep track of these things: Amy is seriously hating Carmella. Carmella has rubbed it in the other girls’ faces that she is getting the gig. The voting is supposedly legit.

FlashBack
I’ve been working too hard of late and so I decided that a simple Top Ten List was required. After having sat through a portion of Roddy Piper on an episode of The Outer Limits, I thought that I’d do one of the lists I’ve been meaning to get to.

Top Ten Performances by Wrestlers in Movies

Number 10: Nathan Jones in Troy. Boagrius was the big guy that Achiles killed in the first few minutes of the film. Nathan did almost nothing, but he was the perfect choice to play big and scary looking. He also died, right on cue.

Number 9: Roddy Piper in Bodyslam, an awful film. Absolutely terrible, despite the fact they had Dirk Benedict in it. Roddy was funny in it, though, and here was where I realized that Piper could be a real movie star and was so much better than what he was getting.

Number 8: Ox Baker in Escape from New York. Slag was his name and no one was better in the role than Ox. He was always kinda weird lookin’, so who better to play Slag in a world like that?

Number 7: Hulk Hogan in Rocky III. The movie that really made Hogan on a national level, and it would have scored higher had he been in it more. Hogan really looked good in this one, and I believed he could have ripped the head off of good ole Rocky Balboa.

Number 6: Woody Strode in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Woody didn’t wrestle too long, but he did eventually become John Ford’s best friend. He was really good in TMWSLV, and Lee Marvin’s in the movie, so you better damn well go out and rent it.

Number 5: Harold Sakata in Goldfinger. Professor Toru Tanaka may have done more films, but when you think of squat, Asian wrestler-types in movies, you think of Oddjob from Goldfinger. The razor-rimmed bowler not withstanding, Sakata was a solid wrestler and a movie star for more years than most who tried both.

Number 4: Terry Funk in Roadhouse. I always loved Terry Funk, and in Roadhouse, he was awesome. No better exchange exists in the history of cinema than the one between Funk’s Morgan and Swayze’s Dalton.
Morgan: What am I supposed to do now?
Dalton: There’s always barber college.

Why Aquaman went back to his old look.

Number 3: Woody Strode in Spartacus. There’s no question that Strode was the best actor of the wrestlers who went into acting, and this was the role he’s most remembered for. I’ve seen Spartacus about 30 times in my life and he is unforgettable.

Number 2: Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride. Easily the first thing that comes to mind for most folks when they think of wrestlers in movies, Andre was really good as Fezzig, and there was no human better for the role. His unfortunate, but not unexpected, death in 1993 probably cut short an acting career that could have really bloomed.

Number 1: Roddy Piper in They Live!. If you ask me, and folks often do, Roddy Piper was the only guy who ever could have possibly played the role of Nada. His oddball charm and his tough guy demeanor mixed perfectly with the hint of paranoia he has always portrayed as a heel in wrestling. Ray Faraday Nelson’s short story 8 O’clock in the Morning came to life beautifully in They Live!, and Piper was great. Plus, Piper and Keith David, another of my all-time favorites, did the single greatest one-on-one fight scene in the history of film.

That’s all for today. There’s more coming, I can assure you.

Chris Garcia