Falls Count Anywhere

08-24-04

I cast Magic Missile.

RAW
They opened with a review video of the Randy Orton betrayal, which still looks good, even if it’s not proving to be a ticket seller or crowd favorite. Aparently, Orton is a favorite among the gay fans of RAW, according to a caller when Mick Foley was on the radio the other day.

They had the next elimination of a DIVA Search contestant, and it was Tracie. She really didn’t have the look that the WWE wants. The Coach was about to have each of the girls talk him up, but The Rock came out and gave The Coach five seconds to leave his ring. He did and that was followed by Rock dropping some pretty raunchy words on the girl. He said no one wanted to see the girls eat ice cream, which is true, but they did want to see them eat pie. Tajiri brought out the pie and had a nice segment with The Rock. The girls then ate the pie in various, suggestive ways. It’s hard to tell who hates Carmella more: Joy or Amy. The Coach returned with La Resistance, who beat on The Rock and Tajiri, but Rhyno evened it up and they cleaned house on the Frogs.

They did a bunch of stuff showing that Lita really didn’t want to marry Kane. Kane said he really wanted a white wedding. There was also an Evolution meeting of some kind. I wasn’t particularly interested.

Chris Jericho and Edge had a really good match on a show that really otherwise lacked wrestling. Jericho still hasn’t hit the gym to get back his physique, but that’s okay, he can always get by on his personality. Edge looked really good and was getting a pseudo-heel reaction. Jericho was over as a face, but when hasn’t he been?

They did a bunch of commercials, and it looked like Edge had pinned Jericho with a weird cradle, but Jericho’s foot was on the ropes and they restarted. They fought some more until Edge seemed to purposefully dump Jericho’s crotch onto the ropes. That got a big pop: the guys ‘cause they know it hurts, the girls because their dreams of getting Y2Laid will be held off for one more night. DQ win for Jericho and it’s obvious that we are three weeks away from Edge’s full turn.

"I see you know the monkey style..."

Evolution issued an ultimatum to Randy Orton: give HHH the belt or die! HHH did a great promo. Orton came out and looked like he was about to hand HHH the belt, but he wouldn’t let go and spat in HHH’s face before nailing him with the belt. He then took off through the crowd, but stood at the top of the aisle and raised his belt. Not a bad segment, but I was really feeling the lack of matches.

Regal and Flair had a really fun match that moved at a slow but solid pace. Regal is so good and he hasn’t missed a step since he apparently died last year. Eugene was out, and Batista sent him to the post pretty early in the match. Poor simple Eugene. The crowd didn’t seem to care about him much. Regal got a couple of nice reactions, and the finish was Flair and Regal both going for the brass knux, but Regal got his punch in first and got the pin. I liked the ending. Flair looked older than usual here.

They did the wedding between Kane and Lita. First, the guy who I think played Little Taker came out, followed by Velvet Hammer Burlesque dancer and little person Bobby Pinz. Kane came out looking sharp in his white on white tux. Lita came out in a hot as all get out black wedding dress. I hear that she had been listening to Bauhaus and watching The Crow over and over before she came out. She also looked hotter than fire. They did the traditional ceremony, with Lita saying she hated Kane.

It's a nice day for a white wedding.

Trish Stratus came out and said that she wished them all the luck in the world. She was wearing bra, panties, and a lacey over-covering, so that’s why she was there. She and Lita rolled around a little bit. Matt Hardy came out right before the vows were fully exchanged and beat on Kane a bit, and as he and Lita were about to escape, he called a Wall of Fire (a level 5 spell) to block them. Kane then Chokeslammed Matt off the ramp and dragged Lita back to finish the ceremony.

Not a good episode, since there was so little wrestling. Maybe they can get The Rock back for a few weeks to start to turn things around, because they are still sinkin’ fast.

NEWS
Well, SmackDown! didn’t do great in the ratings, scoring just a 3.1, but it was way up from the previous week. The Tough Enough challenge is getting some serious heat from the regular roster folks.

Even if ratings are tanking, the WWE has beaten projections for the quarter. They are about 15% higher than expected, which is partly because of Ric Flair’s book and partly due to smart decisions about cutting staff.

FlashBack!
Every booker has a match that he views as the best thing that could possibly be written. Some say that it’s the great Memphis matches of Lawler and Superstar Bill Dundee. Others point to the WWF’s match where Andre The Giant pinned Hulk Hogan. Not me, though; I think that it’s all about Raven and Stevie Richards vs. the Pitbulls in 1995.

You see, ECW had so many storylines going that they could hardly fit all of them on a single show and give them enough time. Raven and Richards had held the titles for a while and were feuding with The Pitbulls in a feud that really showed the PBs to be serious contenders. Raven had a long-standing feud with Tommy Dreamer that had yet to cool down. The bit there was that Tommy had never beat Raven in anything, dating back to their days as summer camp rivals. Beulah McGillicuddy had been feuding with the Pitbull’s manager, Francine. 911 had been trying desperately to choke slam Senior Referee Bill Alphonso, mostly because 911 hated authority. That was all the build-up. The delivery was even better.

At first, only Raven and Beulah came out. Beulah explained that Stevie had been injured the night before, and as such would not be competing in the Double Dog Collar Chain match. She said that she didn’t want to call off the match, just to make it fair by making it two out of three falls. Sounds weird, but still. Pitbull 2 grabbed Raven and Pitbull 1 went to the back, for God knew what reason. Raven actually got a bit of an advantage, but after a bit, an already bloody Stevie came out, being beaten by Pitbull 1, who had chained them together. The brawl continued with The Pitbulls winning the first fall with a Superbomb through a table. Then things got cool.

Preparing to tickle Garcia...

Raven manages to give Pitbull 1 a piledriver to get the second fall, but that becomes a secondary issue. They take Pitbull 1 out on a stretcher and Tommy Dreamer runs in. Dreamer, who has never beaten Raven, comes in and gives Raven a DDT, scoring the fall, but Bill Alphonso came out and said that since Dreamer’s name was not on the contract, that the pinfall did not count. Alphonso had a great line: “Tommy Dreamer, you’re dreamin’! You never pinned Raven!” yelling in a style very similar to the days when he would blow on that shrill whistle of his during Taz matches.

Dreamer got jumped, and Alphonso said that the match would continue. Big Dick Dudley, the now-dearly departed Big Dick Dudley, actually came out and chokeslammed Dreamer. Alphonso had banned the Chokeslam, which was 911’s favorite move, but then announced that it was allowed for one night only. This led to 911’s music being played and him coming down the aisle and finally getting to chokeslam the living hell out of Alphonso.

ECW owner Tod Gordon came out as the faces loaded up Pitbull 1, who walked back to the ring, with both Richards and Raven, who then took a double Superbomb off the top rope allowing the Pitbulls to win the titles.

This was ECW at its best: great angles, smart matches, and lots of blood and violence and a brilliant storyline, if you could keep up.

That’s all for this edition. Stay turned for more!

Chris Garcia