Falls Count Anywhere

07-28-06

Falls Count Anywhere runs on Mondays and Thursdays -- except this week, because it fell victim to Derek's head being up the fundament of Comic-Con. Or vice versa.

Oh, yeah. Life goes on.

NEWS
A lot of Medical drama in the WWE. Everyone’s getting tested for a ton of stuff right now, including various liver issues. Some are saying this is a part of screening for Hep C, which has been an issue. Lashley was taken off of the Bash for an elevated enzyme level in his liver. This might be code but I’m fairly certain it’s a real medical something. Management was not happy with it, probably because Lashley didn’t volunteer the info, and he’s on a medical suspension. SuperCrazy is as well. Kid Kash is also getting the same treatment for a medical issue.

The fear that they have Hep-C is a serious one. Lashley and SuperCrazy, according to 411 Wrestling, tested off the charts, while The Great Khali was only marginally high. It’s a super-infectious disease and incurable and if the WWE knew about it and let them get in situations where they might be bleeding, that’s just beggin’ for a lawsuit.

Steph McMahon had a much happier medical issue. She gave birth to a little girl. La Hija del Helmsley is named Aurora and she’s doin’ fine. How this will effect the writing of the various shows is unclear, but things have been going oddly since Steph went on Maternity.

SmackDown!
Didn’t see it, my tape never showed up.

Great American Bash
A perfect PPV for fast-forward. There were some good moments and some terrible stuff. The good stuff was wrestling. The bad stuff was Divas and Big Men.

The opener was Spanky and Paul London beating Kid Kash and Jamie Noble. It was a fun match and a great way to open a PPV. Spanky played Face in Peril for a while after London took a pretty harsh bump. That guy’s a SuperBall, I tell you what. They have London play the beat-on face for a while too. Noble tried to stop Spanky when he had Kash set-up for the Sunset Flip, but London gave him the FlipKick so Spanky could get the pin for the win. Fun match that set a strong pace.

They had Lashley come out with Theodore R. Long and explain the situation. The folks booed when he said he wouldn’t be working, which is a good sign. Fit said that he should win via forfeit, but Regal was in the Three-way and they had the match anyhow. It wasn’t a bad match in my eyes. A little slow and nowhere near the level of the brutal classics they had in WCW and Europe over the years.

The finish was awful. The Little Bastard stole Regal’s boot and Regal got the shillelagh and ended up getting hit with the boot by Fit for the win. Not the match I had hoped for, but better than a lot of TV matches of late.

In another match of almost the exact same level of quality, Gregory Helms beat Matt Hardy. They played off of Helms' time as The Hurricane by having Matt do his old pose. Helms didn’t like that and he used a lot of neck-related offense to hurt Hardy. Hardy and Helms do some back and forth on the mat and Hardy hit a good Side Effect for a near-fall. The crowd likes Hardy, but he’ll never get up to that level where he was when he feuded with Edge. I say that’s what made Edge into a real draw as champion. More neckbreakers follow from Helms. A schoolboy and a hand full of tights means that Helms retains his title. A pleasant match.

Those are some production values.

In something very unpleasant, Taker and Big Show met in a Punjabi Prison match. The best part about it was the structure. Part of it was wooden, like bamboo. That’s a neat twist. The match itself, even on fast forward, plodded along like the last half-hour of a P.T. Anderson film. Even the way I watched it was terrible. I’d say that they should never give us a match like this again.

The Divas were out for a match. Other than a motorboat from Jillian to Kristal, there was nothing to recommend in this match.

In a bloody spectacle that wasn’t meant to be, Ken Kennedy took a beating and ended up winning by DQ over the returning Batista. Batista started his destruction before Kennedy could do his ring announcing. That actually drew boos from the crowd. Kennedy ended up bleeding. This was apparently hardway, which is interesting because it really did get Batista over as a monster in a very positive way.

The match was short, which was probably the plan from the beginning, and Batista looked great. Kennedy almost could have come out of this match as a face, and I’m betting we’ll get a rematch between these two following SummerSlam.

Rey lost the belt to Booker after Chavo gave a helluva chairshot to Rey in the turn seen from miles abroad. The match was good, if a little typical of WWE Main Event. They had a chance to do a lot of different things with Rey as champ, using his size to make him an underdog champion who rose up to face all obstacles, and in the end there was just one too big that he couldn’t beat. Instead, they used a ref bump and turn finish like they’d use with any Champ. Still, Chavo came out of this looking good, though the last time they turned him heel didn’t exactly light up the small screen.

It was a middle of the road PPV and even with the Title change, it wasn’t too memorable.

What's under a Scotsman's kilt? A big can of whoop-ass.

RAW
I missed the first few minutes, but when I came in, The Spirit Squad just defeated the Highlanders. There’s a lot of bad stuff going on over on SmackDown!, but this made no sense. Everyone knows the SS is breaking up, so why keep the belts on them? Unless RAW is having the health issues of SD!, there’s little reason.

By the way, the Observer says that Matt Hardy is on that list now, too. You know, after Virginia Rappe spread her funk all over the Paramount lot, they closed the place and fumigated. I don’t know how they’ll do that on SD!

Mick Foley did an awesome promo calling Flair names and saying that he’s gone so far downhill that he’s resorted to using Fourth Grade comebacks. Foley was so good. He’s really the MVP of promos right now. Flair came out and said a little something before Edge came out. That allowed Johnny Nitro to come out and attack Flair.

Edge and Nitro double-teamed him and then Cena made the save. Edge went to Coach who was on the phone with Vince and Coach made a match between Edge and Nitro against Flair and Cena. Interesting match, if a simplistic way to bring it around.

Carlito and Shelton had a good match. Lots of great back and forth, with an awesome spot where Carlito came off the top and Shelton caught him with the Fujiwara Arm Bar. That’s a great spot that can do real damage. Carlito got the Backpack, but then Shelton made the ropes. They botched the ending, but they had a really good match up to that point. Carlito is awesome.

Every now and then, you've got to throw Garcia a bone.

Orton did a promo building his match with Hogan. Hogan got an amazing response. Not the biggest I’ve ever heard, but there was a lot of response. The ratings for Saturday Night’s Main Event were way low, and that was with Hogan coming back. Nothing special in this one.

Cena did a promo with Maria that was all over the place, a total recap of all the major angles and the show so far, possibly done to fill time, but I really loved his delivery and his facials. I would say that Cena’s promos are just about where they need to be to carry the company on the face side. Almost.

They got rid of another girl from the Diva Search. Hey Derek…this is your chance to run another picture of Layla!

John Cena and Flair beat Edge and Nitro in a nice little match. There wasn’t a lot of great stuff going on, but there certainly was a bunch of moves that were over. Flair was on his good game, which he has been of late. Cena managed to get the STFU on Nitro for the win. Lita was looking hot wearing a 7 Seconds shirt.

Good show, but not great. In ring was very good.

Didn’t watch ECW. I Hear that Kurt’s coming back next week and that CM Punk’s in-ring debut is next week too. That’s good to hear as that’ll at least raise the level of wrestling if they’re going to continue in the direction they’re headed.

That’s all for this week. More later!

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Chris Garcia