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Falls Count Anywhere

07-09-04

Attention spans are for losers.
Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere! My name is Chris and that guy who keeps winning on Jeopardy proves that the Fifties are alive!

SmackDown!
I gotta say that SmackDown! had some very fun moments when taken as a whole, but if you were flipping back and forth, you probably didn’t enjoy it much.

RVD beat Mark Jindraik while Rene Dupree provided commentary. They announced that Teddy Long and Jindraik had split amicably. So sad when things like that don’t work out. The match wasn’t great, but RVD continued his streak of not blowing too many spots. RVD got the win, proving that Jindraik is likely a new upper tier jobber.

John Bradshaw Layfield did a fun promo where he introduced the return of El Gran Luchador, the Campeon de Mexico! He said that he was going to defend his title against him later in the show. According to most sites, EGL was played by Shannon Moore.

Paul London and Billy Kidman took on The Dudleys in a tag title match that turned into a big upset. London and Kidman sold beautifully, got the crowd behind them, and then managed a pin after a Shooting Star to win the belts. The crowd really picked up on this one. The match was really good and the post-match was good, where all the underneath guys were celebrating. The time they did the same thing with Jericho in 2003 was cooler, but it still made the titles look important. The Dudleys came backstage and did a silent tension handshake bit.

Kenzo Suzuki and his geisha came out to do a nice interview segment. Now, I know a lot of folks will hate it, but I thought it was very well done. Kenzo started by saying all sorts of things in Japanese and Hiroko (and her thousand paper cranes) translated that Kenzo had lost face to Cena and would get revenge. She said that Kenzo loved America, which got big boos from the Canadian crowd. Kenzo then grabbed the mike, gave a huge, nearly Anime-ish smile and said “God Bless, America!” That had me rolling on the floor. I really like the fact that they are recycling the old Savage / Elizabeth thing with these two.

Haas and Jacky come out and Angle rolls up and says that Haas is suspended for his actions from last week. THEY ARE MISSING THE BOAT ON HAAS COMPLETELY!!! He could be big! DAMN THEM TO HELL!!!

Cena came out and dropped some way over rhymes on Booker T. Kenzo ran in and Cena worked him for a while. After dispatching Kenzo, Luther Reigns ran in and gave him a sweet reverse swinging neckbreaker. Luther can move. Kenzo is so mechanical in the ring it’s not even funny.

Didn't Bugs Bunny do this once?

The EGl vs. JBL match was very smart, with El Gran doing all sorts of extraneous rolls and Lucha posing. It was funny, and then JBL got a vicious series of punches and stuff in and started really beating on EGL. After a while, EGL went to the outside, and a fake EGL came from behind, knocked JBL out of the ring and then put a banana peel on the ring mat. That was funny.

The fake EGL went under the ring and eventually pulled the real EGL under the ring and made the switch. The new El Gran beat on Bradshaw and did all sorts of Eddie Guerrero mannerisms. Eddie knows how to work under a mask since he was Black Tiger for a few years. Eventually, Layfield heads for the hills and Eddie does a promo saying he’s gonna get the title back in the cage. He damn well better.

Booker did an interview which was OK. I really wish they would give him a real title feud with Eddie. He’s a way better foe than JBL.

Rey Mysterio, Spike Dudley and Scotty 2 Hotty took on Jamie Noble, Akio and Chavo Guerrero jr. in a match that showed off the depth of the Cruiserweight division. Seriously, you have Jamie who works like an agile American Heavyweight, Rey who busts all sorts of Lucha out, Akio who works a strange Japanese / Lucha hybrid, Chavo who is Chavo, Scotty who is a spot (The Worm, dancing, etc) guy and Spike who is a brawler. I really liked the way they showed all these guys’ talents using a Lucha trios inspired system of changes and tags. We got to see Spike doing all his great simple flying attacks (double stomps, head ram, face running) and Rey busting some nice submissions. They did a segment where everyone hit a big spot, rotating through everyone. Jamie Noble eventually hit the Tiger Driver for the pin on Spike. Good match.

Paul Heyman read some prepared statements about the Undertaker and pleading for him to take it easy on him. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t seem like Paul is putting his heart into this.

Cena vs. Booker was a fairly good match. Cena’s work is moving closer and closer to the PPV main event style that guys like Rock and Austin do. This match flowed pretty well, got decent heat and didn’t openly suck until Angle got involved. Cena tries to clothesline Booker, but hits Angle and knocks him down. They keep the match going until Angle announces that Cena touched him, so he is stripped of the title. A lame ending that opens the door for strong possibilities.

NEWS
Well, RAW was down a bit below the season average this week. Likely reasons include Eugene’s character and his ill-advised turn, the lack of interest in HHH and his storylines, or more likely, the WWE just having a down period.

Vinny McMahon is trying to get long-time nemesis Bruno Sanmartino to agree to be inducted into the (W)WW(F)E Hall of Fame. He also wants to get Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan in soon, too. This is a big deal, as Sanmartino has been one of the biggest anti-McMahon forces for years. Frankly, they should just put him in whether or not he agrees to come and accept the award.

They seem to have sent Mordecai back to OVW. They’re getting a little nervous about gimmicks, as they see that they are not drawing.

7/15. 10 p.m. Be there.
Next Thursday is the Diva casting special on Spike TV at 10. Should be boobtacular!

FlashBack!
May 5, 1993. FMW had made a name for itself delivering the most hard core wrestling the world had ever seen. They had been doing fire matches, landmine matches, and even a match where barbed wire was left uncoiled on the ground outside the ring and they had to take bumps onto it. The biggest match of the promotion up to that time was set for the traditional Golden Week show at Kawasaki Stadium.

The show was officially the Fourth Anniversary of FMW. They booked a card that couldn’t miss. Combat Toyoda & Megumi Kudo beat Toshiyo Yamada & Manami Toyota in the best women’s match that FMW would produced until they started putting Kudo in brawls. The then Brand New Michinoku Pro sent a few guys to tear down the house with a great Lucha inspired match. Ricky Fuji, Big Titan (Fake Razor Ramon) and Gladiator (I’m not sure who that was, but it might have been Horace Boulder) had a great all over the stadium brawl with Katsuji Ueda, Great Punk, & Tarzan Goto. Even Leon Spinks showed up to do a job. The match that drew the 40,000+ crowd was Atsushi Onita vs. Terry Funk in the Exploding Ring Barbed Wire Landmine Match.

The gimmick of the match was simple - The guys would wrestle in a steel cage made of barbed wire. When they got thrown into the cage, there were there would be small explosions if they were thrown into the barbed wire and after fifteen minutes, the ring would explode. They made it look amazing. The ref was wearing a fire-proof outfit, and after 10 minutes or so, the sirens went off to tell everyone that the explosions are on the way.

The match was pure Onita drama. Onita took a pounding at the hands of good ole Terry until Atsushi hit his come back, which got the whole crowd into a tizzy. Onita managed to get the pin at 12:20 or so with a DDT. This wasn’t the big story. Onita had won and started to leave the cage. Funk wasn’t moving. The story went that Terry had been KOed and time was running out. A second siren went off about a minute before the explosion and Terry still wasn’t up and fightin’. So, Onita-san did what every Japanese man would do in the situation: he jumped on top of Terry when the explosion hit to save him.

And the explosion was amazing.

It made an actual mushroom cloud that went straight up. The entire arena, all 40K or so, were deadly silent. The only sound was the siren, still shrilly calling out danger. It was an incredible scene on the commercial video tape. I’ve seen a hand held version which isn’t nearly as impressive, but still, you almost half-believed that Terry and Onita were dead down there. After a few minutes, the guys got up and received huge ovations. Terry even came through enough to do a brief verbal exchange with Onita afterwards. It was the greatest spectacle match in history up to that point. Though FMW would fail to draw after Onita left, this will always stand as one of the most remembered matches in the history of Japanese wrestling.

That’s all for this week. Next week will feature more of the usual and a look at a Woman’s Exploding Ring Match!

Chris Garcia

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