Falls Count Anywhere

07-05-05

...but I lost my left nipple.

RAW
Carlito’s Cabana continues to be the best Wrestling Talk Segment in the World. His guest was Hogan. Carlito plugged Hogan’s TV show, which to my dismay is not called The Hogan Family, and said that Hulk’s daughter is hot.

Hogan punched Carlito.

Kurt Angle came out and said that he made Hogan and everyone tap in his day and Hogan punched Kurt. This led to Carlito jumping Hogan and Shawn Michaels making the save. I really liked this segment. Carlito should be a bigger star than he is.

Kane and Big Show beat Edge and Snitsky in another ‘Let’s not let Edge get any Momentum’ match. They’ve really soured on him for some reason, perhaps using it as ‘punishment’ for the Hardy thing so they can get Matt back in the fold (and there have been talks). Edge and Snitsky did a nice Double Clothesline off the Top, but then they went for a Double Suplex on Show, but he reversed it on them. Kane pinned Snitsky with the Chokeslam.

You know, the WWE is trying to make The Heart Throbs work, but they give them so little to work with. In this case, so little was Viscera. In a very nice touch, Lillian Garcia started to cry while she was announcing Big Viz. The match wasn’t good, and the Throbs got DQed because they crotched Viscera on the post. After the match, The Throbs kissed Lillian. These guys could be carrying a real tag division if they were given the chance to do their full gimmick and got wins over real teams. Sadly, I don’t see that happening any time soon.

Backstage bits time with Maria and Chavito. Maria asked why he had changed his look, and honestly when I saw him I thought they’d brought in the guy who worked at Central Perk from Friends, and he responded that he’s shucked his Hispanic heritage because it’s gotten him nowhere. He then said that he’d changed his name to Kerwin White.

That’s more of a basketball name, really.

"Kerwin" then asked what kind of name is Maria, and he answered his own question saying that it was a stupid name. Maria then did a duck face that was supposed to let us know that she was sad. This was followed by Fire Safety with Hurricane, Stacey and Rosie. Rosie caught fire and Hurricane put him out with an extinguisher, but Rosie, when he went out of camera range, dropped the f-bomb rather audibly. This was followed up by Maria being consoled by John Cena who said that she should accentuate the positive (her chest) and eliminate the negatives (her brains). Maria smiled. Cena got a great pop when he was shown on screen.

The Highlight Reel was up, and I really think it was lame in comparison to The Cabana. Cena and Jericho jawed, and Cena did a great job getting over that he thinks that Jericho is a punk. Jericho slapped him and they brawled. Cena is great at the talk, but he’s almost nothing in the ring. In the old days, they could have done the traveling challengers, making sure they brought in any of a hundred great workers to take on the Champ, but without that option, I don’t know how they’re gonna keep Cena working.

Just like watching a trainwreck, except you get really really tired afterward...

Bikini Bootcamp was awful, but at the same time HOT. Elisabeth won immunity from getting bumped off with a time of 35 seconds. A girl lost her pants and another lost her top. Elisabeth and Ashley are my two faves this time. Ashley is HOT. This was long and dull, but the crowd seemed to enjoy it. Oddly, this actually worked because it had the name of the contestant next to their time for the course so the audience could connect names to bodies…I mean faces.

In a match that lasted less than two minutes, Rene Dupree, a part of the big trade that ended up with RAW getting the best mid-carders, pinned Val Venis. Venis was a big star a few years ago and he’s a guy with a gimmick that would be recognizable if they gave him a push and time. Having him working with The Divas would be awesome, and it could give him a push that would make him a star again.

The main event was really big. The match itself was OK, with Angle working with Michaels to start and Carlito later. It was a good match with Michaels in there and it ended with the predictable finish of Hogan tagging in and getting the win with the Boot and the Leg Drop. The pop and the celebration afterwards was great.

Michaels plays "Kick the Clown."

Then Michaels SuperKicked Hogan.

The entire place was shocked. Michaels just stares at the fallen Hogan, and the crowd has just been socked in the gut by this strange turn of events. Michaels walks to the back without looking back.

Good show that’ll be incredibly low-rated. You can’t compete with fireworks.

NEWS
Not too much. Last Monday was the highest rated RAW of the year. The first number the WWE has released for One Night Stand was 265K. There are people in the company, and even more in the cable industry, that say the WWE is underreporting. It wouldn’t surprise me, and it’s also possible that they don’t have enough info yet. I’m still saying 500k is a possibility, and it’s possible that this only represents the first buys and not the replays. No one is sure yet. The DVD, ECW - One Night Stand, is selling very well.

That’s gotta be all for today. On Friday, a full Falls!

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Chris Garcia