Falls Count Anywhere

05-18-04

Jacky can pants me any day of the week.

RAW
RAW was solid and occasionally spectacular. This episode played to all of the current RAW strengths while only missing one step the whole night.

Lita and Trish opened the show with the best women’s singles match in a while. Trish is so natural in her role as heel and Lita is starting to catch on to the new style. Trish did use one of the least damaging spinebusters in history. Lita looked to have the pin with the Twist of Fate, but Kane came on the screen and distracted Lita by asking for his answer. Strong opener.

Orton did a good promo about how he was the longest reigning IC Champion in the last seven years. If he holds it until the first of September, he will be the fourth longest reigning IC champ ever (after Honky Tonk Man, Randy Savage, and Tito Santana). It was a good promo, with him talking about how Evolution would come together and make sure that HHH won the Battle Royal. This was followed by Shelton Benjamin coming out to face off with Randy. He did a little talking and they set up a title challenge, leading to a brief brawl between the two of them.

Regal and Eugene were backstage talking. Regal congratulated him on his impressive win and Eric Bischoff came out and told Regal to make sure that Eugene went out for an interview segment. As always, Regal was good here. Eugene was very funny, and he seems to be having a blast with his character.

A scene from the WWE's production of "Jesus Christ Superstar."

Coming in all fired up after getting beat down last week, Val Venis gave some good offense, but Kane eventually got the win. Matt jumped Kane afterward, and Kane rocked him for a while with punches and a big boot which looked like it stepped on his face. Finally, Kane ended up putting his head in a folding chair and stepping on it. Lita ran out and gave Kane her answer to the secret question. Oddly enough, she said yes. Kane then embraced her a bit and then he left. This was the one misstep, as this is very creepy and seems to be heading into dark territory.

They showed some Smackdown Your Vote footage. This is a positive thing they are doin’ and no one else seems to be mentioning it. The shame.

Orton and Batista, OrTista, took on Edge and Benoit in a match that moved a little weird for me. There was a long segment of Orton working armbars that seemed to grind the match to a halt. Edge and Orton worked very well together. I see a lot of Edge circa 1998 in Orton today. They have a very strong similarity in work style, though Orton tends to sell a little too Roddy Piper for me. He takes good bumps, though. Benoit got a hot tag and cleaned house.

The match started to pick up and the crowd started popping for near-falls. The ref took a bad bump with Benoit landing solid on his leg. They did a good spot where Benoit went to the top rope and hit the Flying Headbutt on Orton, who was hugging the IC belt, which looked like it knocked him out. The ref got to the cover slowly, and Benoit kicked out at the last second. The champ got the win after in a match that turned out to be pretty good.

Eugene came out and after a bit of intro'ing where the crowd was really into him, the Coach came out. The Coach laid the verbal down on poor Eugene and got HUGE heel heat for it. Eugene was walking out of the ring with his head bent when THE ROCK emerged and brought him back to the ring. The Rock began by calling The Coach a, and I quote, Walking Popcorn Fart. Indeed. He then got the crowd to chant that, then to chant ‘Screw The Coach.'

"Pants are still a good idea..."

The Rock got the biggest reaction in a good long while. At one point, The Rock asked what the Coach thought and Eugene grabbed the mic and yelled ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!’, which got the crowd to pop big. The Rock asked Eugene who his friend was, and he said The Rock. He asked Eugene who was in the ring with him, and Eugene said The Rock. When Rocky asked who his favorite wrestler was, he yelled Triple H. The Rock was surprised, but the crowd loved it. The Rock asked why and he said that they both liked to play games.

Of course, Garrison Cade came out to beat on The Rock and Eugene, but they turned the tables and run them off. Great long segment that will really help get Eugene over big. Too bad they really can’t use him as anything more than a mid-card wrestler.

The WWE knows how to do Battle Royals right. I just hope they don’t over-do them like they did cage matches. This was really good, though you could easily tell who the fodder was. They did a great spot early where right after Rosie had been eliminated they threw Hurricane out, but Rosie caught him before his feet touched and tossed him back in. The theme was Evolution working together, and when they got down to the final eight, it was Edge, Shelton Benjamin, Kane, and Jericho vs. all the members of Evolution. Flair and Jericho get eliminated. They did some nice team spots, and then Kane started hitting everyone with Chokeslams. He finally got to Batista and the two of them faced off in a great battle of big men that the crowd really responded to. Batista hit an awesome Spinebuster, but Edge had recovered enough to send Batista to the floor. Edge then hit a spear on HHH and Kane, but Orton pulled down the ropes and sent Edge flying.

The Hurricane fights on...

At this point, it became obvious that they are serious about making Shelton a star. They had Evolution double team him, trying everything to eliminate him, but he kept hanging on. It was great, as the crowd seriously reacted to it. Shelton got back in the ring and hit some offense, but HHH got a low blow in that sent Shelton packing. It was down to Kane and HHH, but after a couple of moves, Shawn Michaels ran in, nailed HHH and eliminated him, making Kane the next challenger to the title.

Great ending, solid show with only the Lita and Kane stuff to pull it down.

NEWS
There’s talk that the WWE will be shopping their programs around to see who may be interested in picking them up after their contract with Viacom is concluded. It’s probably nothing too significant; they just want to see what their worth on the market is.

UFC has stripped the Welterweight Title from B.J. Penn because he is fighting on a K-1 show in Japan and the UFC doesn’t want any of its champs on other shows. Kinda stupid, if you ask me.

Judgment Day
Wow, an extremely uneven pay-per-view, but it had two matches that I would describe as solid and one that I thought was remarkable.

The opener of the Dudleys vs. RVD/Rey was one of the solids. The Dudleys didn’t get much reaction, but both RVD and Rey got some. The Dudleys are such great heels that it makes me wonder why they’ve spent so much time as faces? I loved the Tandem 619 spot that RVD and Mysterio pulled off. Fun match that helps us buy RVD and Rey-rey as legit tag team contenders.

They did a bunch of stuff with Booker and his little black bag. I didn’t like it last week, and I really don’t like it on PPV.

Somewhere in San Jose, a young boy's dreams came true...

Kurt Angle came out and did some jawing. He got good heat and a seriously sweet dig on Kobe Bryant. Kurt is still the best talker on SmackDown!, even though Layfield, Cena and Guerrero have managed to give some very impressive promos. He announced that due to the Big Show incident which was all her fault, if Torrie failed to pin Dawn Marie she would be fired. The match between Torrie and Dawn Marie was terrible, as neither of these two should be in the ring (well, Dawn Marie is OK sometimes) but we did get to see Dawn Marie’s hindquarters after Torrie ripped her pants off. Well played, Miss Wilson. Well played indeed.

John Bradshaw Layfield cut a promo that showed his strengths. Back in the territory days, Layfield would have been a top heel in Texas, Southern California, and even Florida. He’s such a great throwback character and he is perfectly cast in the role. I don’t think they’ve given him enough time, but still, he’s good at what he’s doin’.

Scotty 2 Hotty drew the short straw and was charged with the task of taking on Mordecai in his debut. That debut featured a spectacular entrance and a terrible match. It reminded me of the debut of Goldust at the Survivor Series in 1995. He’s got a great look, but in the ring he’s awful. The feud with the Undertaker could be done very well, if they can teach him how to brawl in short order.

Jacqueline and The Chavos do a backstage bit where Jacky gives the gift of unmentionables to Chavo, which seems to excite Chavo Classic. This and the Booker stuff really brought the whole PPV down for me.

Rico and Charlie Haas defended the Tag Team titles against Bob Holly and Billy Gunn. The latter team is a close approximation of the New Midnight Express, as Billy was Bart Gunn’s partner in the famed Smokin’ Gunns. The match was not good, which is surprising as all the reports I read about Saturday’s House Show said these two teams had a really good match. Rico’s machinations are awful. At least Goldust had a fun little presence going on. Man, Dustin Runnels is getting a lot of ink from me today. Haas gets the pin after a Rico Superkick. They need to get Haas into a real program STAT!

Jacky lost the Cruiserweight Title back to Chavo the Lesser in an Arm Tied Behind My Back match. It wasn’t pretty, but The Chavos used all sorts of fun tricks. It really disappoints me that they have so much Cruiser talent and yet they’ve blown through all the possible matches to the point where they have to give us an intergender feud. It sickens me.

John Cena was the biggest rising star of 2003. Rene Dupree is the biggest rising star of 2004. The two met in a match that was really good considering what the respective in-ring talent of these two seems to be. They both have great charisma and the mic work on both sides tends to be excellent. The two worked with each other’s spots, including both guys missing the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Both bump well, especially Dupree. This could be a highly significant match-up in five years when they are the top of the WWE.

Booker T did the job to The Undertaker in a match that just wasn’t there. They seem to be trying to get back to the state they were in during the 1980s where characters are much less realistic. Cole talking about the debate between whether or not The Undertaker was alive or dead is just another sign in that direction, as is the whole Booker angle, now that I think about it. The match wasn’t good and it’s a waste of Booker. SmackDown! needs a top heel and Booker could easily fill that role.

JBL came out before his match and said that he would make Mrs. Guerrero into his maid after he beat Eddie. How could folks not latch onto Layfield as the most hated wrestler going? Eddie came out and the two started to fight. This was what the Main Event needed to be: a wild brawl to open with heat building throughout. I thought the two of them laid out a very smart match with a good deal of drama. While some may claim the match moved rather slowly, it was more like the build of a Flair title defense in the 80s. There were good reasons and well-thought out follow-ups to every move.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday...

And then Eddie hit a gusher.

There is a match from Japan where the Great Muta did the intentionally bloodiest blade job in history…until Sunday night. Eddie was losing blood everywhere. There were small pools of it outside the ring. The mat was covered in it. It was a nightmarish sight that was difficult to watch at first, but it did add to the brutality and the drama. After the blood, the crowd really came into the match and they did some nice near-falls. The match ended with Eddie hitting JBL with a chair, giving Bradshaw the DQ win. Eddie apparently went into shock from blood loss after the show and was rushed to a hospital. That’s the first time I can think that a wrestler has been hospitalized following a planned blade job. Good way to end a show that I wouldn’t give a thumbs-up to.

That’s all for today. I won’t be writing on Friday (Chris will be featured on G4-TechTV's upcoming Geek/Chic and will be "stuck" shooting all day Friday; evidently writing Falls Count Anywhere doesn't make good television -- Derek) so I’ll talk to you all again next week.

Chris Garcia