Falls Count Anywhere

04-23-04

Garcia's art is macrame.

Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere! My name is Chris and you're the one for me, fatty.

SmackDown!
Smackdown! opened with a review of the dropping of Angle last week. It was a strange and slightly too low key opening. The edited version of the angle looked no more realistic than the first version.

They gave us Booker T vs. RVD for the first match. RVD took it to Booker to start, hitting him with a baseball slide and a plancha. They brawled outside for a while and then got into the ring. The match slowed and the crowd cooled when they made it into a regular match. RVD gave Booker a stiff spinning jump kick on the outside. RVD has been tightening up his work of late and I appreciate it. Big back suplex which folded Booker in half. This was a very RVD match that looked like it was going to have RVD hit the Five Star Frog Splash to give him the win, but Booker's Pyro went off, distracting RVD on the top rope, so Booker got the win. After the match, Paul Heyman came out and started talking about how Vince decided to give him the GM for the Night.

Paul gave a speech talking about how much RVD owed him and eventually the Dudleys came out and said that anything Paul had to say to RVD went double for them. Paul then gave a great promo talking about how the Dudleys had become Vince McMahon's puppets and how they had turned their backs on extreme. He said he was Dr. Frankenstein and that his creations had all gone soft on him, and that Taz was smart and got out when it was his time. (Frankly, I think he left too early.)

After they had taken this for a couple of minutes, D-Von attacked RVD and the Dudleys' turn was official. Bubba had RVD in a full nelson and D-Von gave him a low blow. A nice angle with a great Heyman promo.

That's a lot of...um....

Charlie Haas and his mystery partner, who turned out to be Rico, won the World Tag Team title from Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty. Miss Jacky looked really hot. Rico acted really, really gay. I mean Charles Nelson Reilly was saying "tone it down a bit, Mary." Haas is so good, but he needs a new outfit that makes him stand out. Haas was in position for the stinkface, but Rico decided that it was his turn and Miss Jacky made sure he was wearing his Chapstik. Rico got the stinkface and acted look he enjoyed it. Rico then kissed Scotty when he was going for the Worm and Haas got the roll-up. Haas went from Shelton Benjamin to Rico. How the nearly mighty have fallen.

I would love to hear what Terrance Griep has to say about this.

I love the graphic for Café de Rene.

John Bradshaw Layfield came and had a chat with Paul Heyman saying that if he had to wrestle, so should Eddie Guerrero. Heyman then said that Eddie would take on the Dudleys. Kind of a typical angle.

John Bradshaw Layfield took on Champion de Mexico El Grande Luchador. I have no idea who El Grande Luchador is, but he did a very Arena Mexico entrance. He did a little bit of offense, but mostly it was Bradshaw. Bradshaw gave a fairly harsh beating to El Grande Luchador. EGL got a nice head scissors on Bradshaw, who took it well. Layfield played his role well, and he got a good pop for the powerbomb on El Grande Luchador. He did a great bit where he had a nearly unconscious EGL cover him so he could kick out and beat him some more. He ended it with a STIFF Clothesline From Hell. Fun match, though not good.

Café de Dupree was set up in the ring with Al the Accordion Player, a miniature Eiffel Tower, and a café table and chairs. Rene started by demanding a moment of silence for Kurt Angle, which the crowd didn't give him. He said that he was there to give the people style and class in their worthless lives. This is a funny idea, and Rene isn't bad playing the arrogant heel. Torrie came out in a delightful brown number. Rene started acting all gentlemanly, offering her a glass of wine (which, if I remember my FCC regulations, she's not allowed to drink on network TV).

An excellent vintage.

Rene started asking about why she was laughing when Big Show came out last week. Rene was pressing the issue and Torrie said that she came out to talk about her up coming Divas magazine cover. He blamed her for Kurt's injuries, and the crowd started to give it to him a bit. He made many harsh statements and had the great line "It makes me think that Fifi is not the only bitch in this ring." Torrie slapped Rene and Rene tossed wine in her face. When he tried to bodyslam her, John Cena came out, made the save and broke up the set. The crowd gave him a loud Cena chant, which shows that he really is the next big thing.

Cena came out for a match against The Chavos. The Face vs. a pair of heels thing hasn't been working, though they keep reworking how they use it, sometimes giving the face the win, sometimes playing it straight and giving the heels the pin. John Cena doesn't work well, but he does have a fire to his work that overcomes the lack of technicality. Chavo Jr. did some fun mat work and Chavo Sr. took a few shots. It was a good thing that they gave most of the ring time to the younger Guerrero. John Cena hit a nice Spinebuster. Taz did some good commentary, explaining how moves worked into the match with get them over and makes the match seem more legit.

Chavo Sr. came in to break up Chavo Jr. getting the FU, and when Cena turned to deal with him, Chavo Sr. did the "You can't see me" hand motion. Cena went out of the ring and Rene Dupree sent him into the ringpost. He rolled Cena back in the ring and Chavo Jr. hit the brainbuster for the win. Not a bad match, but not anything very special.

Paul Heyman came out and told Torrie that she would be facing Rene Dupree next week. Well, it was obvious that they were going to do that, but they should have saved the announcement for right before the match, as this isn't something that will raise a rating by having an extra week to promote.

Booker came out to talk a bit and then the Undertaker's music hit and he freaked and ran through the crowd. They are criminally under-using Undertaker right now when they need someone to give them ratings.

Haas did an interview with Rico and Jacky. Haas seemed like he hit on Jacky, who rebuked him. Rico seemed excited to have Haas for a partner. It does nothing for Haas to have him paired with Rico when there is an obvious angle with Angle they could be playing.

Eddie came out in his own LowRider for his match with the Dudleys. They played it off as a singles match, and Bubba seemed to be the designated wrestler, but the moment before they were going to lock up, D-Von blindsided Guerrero. An 'Eddie' chant started. This was probably D-Von's best singles match in years. Taz talked about how Paul Heyman would take guys that no one else wanted and make them stars. They did a double count-out, but Paul Heyman said that there were only going to be real winners and losers. Eddie worked hard and got a good match goin' after the first commercial. Eddie's offense is so solid. He works like an agile heavyweight, not a cruiserweight, which helps his reign as champ. They did back and forth for a while and it played out nicely.

I wouldn't say that this was a fantastic match, but they did good stuff and the crowd was into it. Eddie is way over. He's at least where Shawn Michaels was in 1996. Eddie was in control when Bubba tried to interfere and ended up getting knocked around. D-Von got a small package and Bubba held onto his foot to give D-Von the win. Bradshaw came out and worked over Eddie.

The show wasn't fantastic, but there was little actually wrong with it. It was nice to have Paul Heyman back and they need him. They need to deliver the big hot show soon to start to turn things around.

NEWS
Well, if this don't beat all. Ted Turner, aka Mr. Jane Fonda, has been thinking about starting a new promotion. PWInsider.com has said that there are rumors to that effect flying around. Supposedly, Turner's no compete clause in wrestling expires March 2005 and the Turner Networks' one expires in 2006. With Goldberg and Austin available, you could see where the interests would lay. My guess is this is just one of those things that folks are talking about that probably won't ever happen.

It's not news, but it's a good indicator. There were these two kids in line with their Mom at KFC. One of them said to the other, "You be Shawn Michaels and I'll be John Cena." The other kid said "Nah, I wanna be HHH" These things really tell us who the stars are.

SmackDown! Again
What's wrong with SmackDown!? That's a tough question, as there is the obvious, the lack of a top heel, and the not-so-obvious, writers running out of ideas for guys like Mysterio, and the unavoidable, Kurt's injuries and Brock leaving. So what can be done to rectify the situation?

Here are my thoughts.

First, get a top heel for Thursdays and fast. My thoughts are that Kane is free, as he is sort of waffling, and so is Batista now that he's dropped the Tag Title. Either one of them could be made into a money drawing heel. Booker could be pushed as a top hell, but it will take a little time. I still think that John Bradshaw Layfield will turn into a good heel, but it's asking a lot to expect him to draw so soon. They've turned the Dudleys, but a tag team really can't act as top heels unless they have cred as singles wrestlers too. Once they have a real heel up, things can start to turn around.

Next, they need a distinction. They used to be able to claim that they were the hard working show. When they had Los Guerreros, Angle and Benoit, Edge and Mysterio feuding, SmackDown! was easily the best wrestling show on Earth. They need to bring this back, and having Eddie as champ will help in that direction. They have said that they are out of ideas for Mysterio, so why not put him in a tag team and start a workrate feud with some team that goes on for a while. Now, they lost Brock and Kurt, which hurts the work a bit, but they still have Chavo, Rey, Noble, Kidman, The Dudleys, RVD, and Booker T who can all go.

Sign some new talent. Mordecai is a start, but I don't think that will get over to the needed degree. They could try and get some folks from TNA, but the guys there are mostly smaller and the WWE has proven they aren't sure what to do with smaller workers. They could bring in Jeff Jarrett, but there are hatreds on both sides that make that unlikely. They could try and get Bob Sapp from Japan, but the pay-offs in the US aren't what they are in Boston nor is he a sure thing in the US, though having Warren Sapp as a relative doesn't hurt. Goldberg is an option, but again, money.

We love you, Kurt.

As much as I hate to say it, they need to move Kurt out of the GM position and bring in someone who has a track record of drawing ratings. The trouble is that pretty much leaves you with either a McMahon or perhaps Paul Heyman. Paul should be out there as the manager of champions that Bobby Heenan used to be, bringing in the next challenger to Eddie. The role of manager has been slowly creeping back, as Theodore R. Long has been around and getting some reaction, but they really need Paul to officially make it a big deal.

The best idea I can come up with though is to use one of RAW's strengths and ramp it up. Of course, I'm talking about Evolution. They are the best possible heel group and there's an easy way to make a strong, multi-month storyline.

Have Evolution as a team show up on SmackDown!. They can say that they've conquered RAW and they are ready to conquer SD!. Whoever the GM is can say that they're signed to RAW, but that they'll allow one Evolution member at a time to challenge for the title. HHH can then say that he's sending Flair, who will fail in his bid. Then a few weeks later, they can send Batista. He'll of course fail too. Then they send Randy Orton. Orton comes closest, with their first TV match going to a time limit draw. After that, they can do some sort of gimmick match where Eddie can win. Then, Eddie shows up on RAW and tells HHH to come to SD! and do his own business. They can do a staredown on RAW and then announce a match on the next PPV.

That's 3 PPV's worth of matches, all of which have a great build-up, all of which give HHH a strong push as the head of the promotion.

Of course, the WWE is still going to keep the brands separate, so there's no chance of any of that actually happening.

Thanks for join my for another week. Next week will be more of the same.

Chris Garcia