Falls Count Anywhere

04-09-04

I get a lot of that.

Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere! My name is Chris and I've been there, I've done that.

SmackDown!
Well, John Bradshaw Layfield opened the show with a really long promo that hardly went anywhere. He did get an OK at some points, but it went so long. So very long. Too damn long. Bradshaw's got a good delivery, and I like this gimmick, but maybe he's not going to get over to the level they need him to before they put him in a main event.

The Dudleys, who are now the marquee tag team on SmackDown!, took on the tag team champions, Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty. The crowd was certainly behind the Dudleys, as they have been trained to respond to their heel-like tactics as faces actions. Sometimes I think it would have been better to have been born in a time where faces were faces and heels were heels. Nice Buhbuh neckbreaker. It's hard to believe that Rikishi was once one of the best wrestlers in the US. He's just been a victim of his own growth. Not a great match, but decent enough. The Dudleys got the win in the non-title match, and the crowd reacted like they should have.

Charlie Haas was wallowing in self-doubt over not being able to live up to the level that Shelton had achieved in the last few weeks. Angle said that Haas had a chance to prove to everyone that he should be the Great American. The Big Show showed up and said that the only one that deserved it was the Big Show. Big Show is coming off as a monster recently.

They're trying to get Rico and Jacky Gayda over with video packages. How cute.

Chavo jr. came out with Chavo sr. for his Cruiserweight title defense against Jamie Noble. A short but solid match between two of the better workers in the cruiserweight division. Noble has a sweet neckbreaker. Noble has lost the cut-offs and is now just another wrestler. Still, he's got personality. Chavo jr. won with help from Chavo Sr.

With that hair, he's calling other people yellow?

Theodore R. Long talked to some of the boys backstage. He said he was looking for someone with the perfect body (Orlando Jordan), or the perfect face (Shannon Moore), but that he had no use for Spike Dudley. Spike challenged Teddy to a match, but Teddy said no, which led Spike to calling Teddy yellow. Theodore then said that Spike had been drinkin' the haterade. Spike has a great mic presence.

Booker T and RVD had a little confrontation backstage where Booker complained about getting traded again. This is kinda working. Booker's heel turn has been good, and having him facing RVD for a while should be a nice touch.

John Cena came out to a mad pop. He's really over. Seriously, he's getting the biggest pop of the night every time he comes out. He gave a substandard rap, but it got a reaction. The Bashems, who are now without any real gimmick, sent Danny out to take on Cena. The match wasn't bad, as Cena is good at doing a physical match. Am I the only one who realizes that Cena's Five Knuckle Shuffle is basically the People's Elbow? It turned into Cena against the two Bashems, but Cena held his own and got the win with the FU. He's the next big thing.

They did a little bit on Walking Tall, which looks to be a dog again. The Rundown was a dog that didn't deserve to be a dog. Walking Tall is looking like it might be a dog that deserves to be a dog since it doesn't live up to the original.

BookVD teamed up for the first time on SmackDown! to face Charlie Haas and The Big Show. I like the combo of Haas and Show, as it is sort of The Hart Foundation concept of big tough guy and smaller uberwrestler to the extreme. RVD played face in peril and when he finally got around to tagging Book, Booker walked away. Nice touch. Haas came at RVD with knees to the back and clawing at his face. He is a good heel. RVD made a game of it, but the big boys got the win.

Renee Dupree beat Orlando Jordan. This was short. It wasn't good. The Frog has charisma, though.

Angle was getting ready to present the award when Eddy came in and started making cracks about the award and Kurt being bald and so on. I recently rewatched a bunch of old SDs and when Kurt had hair, he looked really funny.

Spike Dudley came out to take on Theodore R. Long, who thankfully competed with his shirt on. Long said that Spike needed a warm-up match with Johnny the Bull to get himself ready. Spike took it to Johnny for a bit, then bumped for Johnny as the crowd completely deflated. Spike hit the Dudley Dawg and Johnny sold it like Terry Funk. Mark Jindraik came out and is apparently the first Theodore R. Long charge during the SmackDown! years.

Kurt called out all the contestants for the Kurt Angle Great American Award while the trophy was covered with a cloth. It was obvious that there was something strange with the trophy. The crowd was chanting for Cena loud. Kurt gave a nice little promo that spoke of his perfection for the role of GM. John Bradshaw Layfield stopped Kurt right as he was about to award the trophy.

Bradshaw then showed that he was the Greatest American by going to the border and stopping a few Mexicans who were trying to come across. He did a brutal promo against the lazy Mexicans. This was the type of stuff you could do to make yourself a heel in LA back in the 1960s. It got a reaction from the crowd, that's for sure. Kurt seemed impressed and announced that Bradshaw Layfield had been awarded the trophy and the Number One Contendership.

Look at that swagger. He's a Real American.

They removed the cloth and it was a trophy with a picture of Eddy on the bottom. Funny. Eddy came out in a vintage Buick with the real trophy as a hood ornament. Eddy walked out with the Trophy and Kurt threatened to strip Eddy of the WWE Title if he didn't get in the ring. The crowd was so pro-Eddy it wasn't even funny. Eddy "accidentally" broke the trophy, which caused Kurt to go nuts. Eddy used the trophy as a weapon to clear the ring, then destroyed the trophy with a chair to end the evening.

News
OK, I was wrong on Monday. Sean O'Haire was fired, not Mark Jindraik.

There is still major heat between Austin and the WWE to the point that there are no plans to use Austin anytime soon. The issues of his arrest and much tension between him and McMahon are well-known.

FlashBack!
This past weekend, I got to see a documentary at the Sonoma Valley Film Festival called American Dancer: Three Years in the Life of Male Strippers. It was a good doc anyway, but there was one section that is appropriate to Falls Count Anywhere: the story of Tarzan Tarantino.

Tarzan Tarantino is a dancer, and a successful one at that. He started his own group that had a fair amount of success, only to be stabbed in the back by those dancers who took advantage of his kindness. He still kept dancing, but he decided to dedicate himself to training to be a wrestler.

It was funny, as Tarzan was a stand in for Hogan during Thunder in Paradise, which led to Hogan offering him a chance at being a wrestler. I'm not sure how much of that is bullplop, but with his build, it would make sense. He had just had a kid and was still making good money as a dancer, so he decided to turn the Hulkster down. After a few years, when the money got tighter, he went to train with Steve Keirn, the Former Skinner and a member of the Fabulous Ones.

We see Tarantino training, which is funny. He keeps doing simple back bumps, where your hips are supposed to land right in line with where your feet are, and he can't even get close. He's absolute crap in the ring. He can't get up to take a slam, and they show a whole bunch of clips of him blowing it. At one point, the trainer pulls Tarzan aside and starts yelling at him saying that the guy with one leg is way better than him. That guy with one leg was hired by the WWE on accident when Johnny Ace was supposed to hire Zach Gowen and went to Keirn instead and figured one monopod was as good as another. Tarzan was crap in the ring, but he at least had charisma, right?

Well, no actually.

He was a very charismatic dancer, as the ladies were always all over him, but in the ring, it was just lame. He tried to do a Tarzan call and he just sounded like he was trying to get the pigs back into the pen. The trainer then did a call that was dead on. Tarzan then said that his was just as good and they got into a tussle. He was so oblivious that he couldn't come to grips that he wasn't any good.

The bigger problem is that he doesn't quite get it. He takes his son to see the graves of his parents. As they are pulling away, he starts to cut a promo. It's the best promo I could imagine him cutting, saying that he is going to keep trying and make it to superstardom…but YOU DON"T DO THAT IN A CEMETERY!!!

It goes to show tht folks don't really understand that wrestling is a job. If you live the gimmick, you end up alienating much of the world outside of wrestling. The Rock learned that and has pulled back from the gimmick. Tarantino may get some Indy dates, but I doubt that he'll ever amount to anything in wrestling.

On the other hand, I think John Bradshaw Layfield is gonna be big, so what do I know?

That's all for this week. Next week will be a lot of thought about the 1990s.

Chris Garcia