The top Five not so latently gay superheroes

The Top Five Not-So-Latently-Gay
Golden Age Super-Heroes
(based on an article published on Out in Comics, adapted by the author for Once Upon A Dime)

5) THE RED BEE. Oh, I know you think you had this one nailed because of the pink sleeves, but you're buzzing up the wrong hive. See, the Apis Avenger keeps a swarm of trained bees—including his favorite, named Michael, unnaturally enough—in his belt. His belt! Accessorizing like this says two words, my little drones: wayyy gayyy.

4) BLACK CANARY. Yes, you read that right. This one's so obvious, even Doctor Mid-Nite could see it (or should). "She" spent all that time dating a Queen... that's Queen with a capital "Q." And the lace stockings..? The proof is as sharp as a pre-Crisis Canary Cry: clearly, Black Canary is a gay transvestite.

3) THE VIGILANTE. Wah-ha-hahl, looky hyar! Like many a nancy-boy, Vig wuz so a-feared o' commitment, he became known far an' wide as the Prairie Troubadour, a-rollin' from town to town like a dag-burned tumbleweed. P'rtected an' served by the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy of the Seven Soldiers of Victory, the puddin'-footed proof of his gayness wuz his flippity-floppity kerchief. I mean, how much purtier c'n one man git?

2) THE BLACK TERROR. Actually, I don't think for one picosecond that the Black Terror's gay, but Chris Sprouse's rendering of Terror Twin One within the pages of Tom Strong #11 made me more gay, if such a thing is possible, and caused me to dry-hump my first comic book. And I needed to tell someone. Thanks for being there. Oh, and Bob, in case I'm wrong: call me "Tim." Or better still, call me "Timmy."

1) KID ETERNITY. No need to summon the ghost of Liberace on this one. Nor is there any need to mention the fact that he spends most of his time in the company of a bald eunuch in a horsehair dress. No, no... do you remember the Kid's origin? He went down on a ship full of seamen! Hel-LO? It wasn't his idea, true, but that still makes him the gayest in my book! And I wonder if there's another reason he's called—ETERNITY!

All characters (c) and TM their respective owners.

-- Terrance Griep

Terrance Griep is a comic book writer on titles such as DC comics JLA SHOWCASE 80-PAGE GIANT #1, SCOOBY-DOO, CARTOON NETWORK PRESENTS #5, SHOWCASE '94 #9, SHOWCASE '96 #10 as well as work for other publishers.