(first published Winter 2004 issue
of Once Upon A Dime.com)
have been lists published on this very site of which
heroes are probably
gay and which ones are way
too straight in one man's opinion. But comics
are rarely that black and white. Some heroes fall
into a phantom zone between the extremes. Sixty
years before the trendiness of metrosexuals made
it okay to be well...stylish, they dared to be different.
These misunderstood heroes now come together to
form the Effeminate Five!
Robin - Okay, it's an easy shot. But look
at the outfit. An eccentric millionaire bachelor
living in a secluded mansion welcomes a young boy
into his home? No, it's not Michael Jackson, it's
Bruce Wayne. The Hulk could not be called Bruce
on TV because the name sounded gay. And young master
Grayson's name: Dick. His profession: Aerialist.
His unifrom color: canary yellow. His superhero
name: a gender neutral, if not outright feminine,
Toro - Look at him. He's literally a little
flamer. Plus like most sidekicks he has the ambiguous
relationship with his boss, who in this case is
the unambiguously named Human Torch. "I'm sorry
Toro, but your flame power will burn off all your
clothes, except these tiny tight shorts." Yet
somehow the Torch remained clothed to the wrists
and neck. Hmmm.
Oliver Queen - If the surname doesn't
say it all, how about that Errol Flynn-esque goatee?
Sure, he had the hots for Black Canary, but maybe
he just wanted to get into her fishnets -- and I
mean borrow them. And don't get me started on the
two of them playing with Starman's Rod of Power.
maybe the Green Arrow wasn't straight as one. Ollie
Queen once had a dalliance with Arrowette -- her
name? Cissy King. Combined they would make a sissy
queen. Plus Ollie's another eccentric millionaire
playboy palling around with a boy sidekick. Speedy?
You sure you don't mean Quickie? Something tells
me there may have been a few games of hide the shaft
and quiver going at the Queen residence.
The Whizzer - Again I'm asking you to give
big points for the name alone. But how about his
origin: bitten by a cobra and given a blood transfusion
from a mongoose, Bob Frank gets super speed. Plus
this guy volunteered to take orders from Bucky,
Cap's teen sidekick. As an able bodied adult male
shouldn't he have been in the armed forces during
WWII rather than playing follow the teenage leader?
Minute Man - The only hero who clocks in
under Hour Man in the lack of stamina category.
But mostly he makes the list for the puffy shirt.
I'm a big blouse boy. Dude, doesn't Wonder Woman
want her clothes back? Come to think of it, is it
pronounced min-nut or my-noot man?